This is the fifth installment of the mental health series that I started at the beginning of the month. I am planning to take a pause at the end of the month and head a little into June, unless others want me to keep going. Remember how vulnerable and courageous I am being by even putting this out there!
This is a very long Facebook post, so I will try and cut it down into manageable chunks. I’m going line by line through the song entitled “Hurt”. Go ahead and listen to it before I show how meaningful the song has been in my life.
This one will be VERY raw. I forgive you if the feelings are too much. But if I am to get help, I need to explore every deep recess of my psyche to be liberated from my mental health issues.
This is the third in a series that explains why I’ve let very few people in before long term. The first one was “For the First Time in Forever”, where I introduced bipolar disorder through manic Anna and depressive Elsa. The second explored trust issues and introduced distorted thinking using ”My Trust Issues are Kristoff From Frozen”.
I’d read BOTH before this one, as you won’t fully understand without it.
Wondering how Johnny Cash and “Hurt” could possibly enter the equation? It is a song that shows EXACTLY how I reject someone I do not know or trust enough from helping me. It also explains why depressive me can NEVER be the one that reaches out first. The self-destructive depressive spiral needs to be caught early, because once it is too late it will take rock bottom and failing at my attempt to get me to be open to change.
Johnny Cash is a prodigy with a poor childhood and poor social skills. His talent inevitably is discovered, but it leads to a self-destructive spiral because he drives everyone away. I spiral down, hide the spiral, and have to hit rock bottom before manic me is open to change again.
“Hurt” is the eulogy of Johnny Cash, sung by Johnny Cash. The man took a cover of a band I worshipped at the time of my first troubles (Nine Inch Nails) and one of my favorite songs. I thought it was stolen, and I HATED it! But, then I listened to it, and the second hurt also applied to me. It changed me from thinking about the hidden fury at yourself of depressive me (NIN) to the regret of manic me that I didn't fix the world. I became a Johnny Cash fan.
Then on Christmas day 2020, it became MY song – a life story theme for why I reject almost EVERYONE. I have to go line by line here to explain how the lack of trust plus the depressive suicidal spiral works.
“I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel”
I put my trust in someone again, with the suspicion that they will turn out to be Hans from Frozen.
“I focus, on the pain, the only thing that’s real”
I am forming my inner Kristoff, because my mania crashes and my depressive side attacks myself.
“The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting”
Jabbing myself at age 9 because I decided that Kristoff is right. I can’t trust anyone. I am worthless, and I must hurt myself for it.
“Try to kill it, all away, but I remember everything”
Depressive me gains control after yet another manic episode, and I have rejected the help of a potential Olaf because of my trust issues.
“What have I become, my sweetest friend”
I take a look in the mirror, and depressive me lowers my self-esteem and self worth even further because I am depressed.
“Everyone I know goes away in the end”
Everyone fails the test. People who keep trying are crazy to do so because I have no trust and no self-esteem I am not worthy of help. THIS IS WHAT IS BEHIND THE BALL OF LOGIC AT THE END of the previous one about trust issues.
“And you could have it all, my empire of dirt”
You could pass every test so far; I will devise another for you to fail.
“I will let you down, I will make you hurt.”
People don’t get it when depression takes control. I will ALWAYS hurt you because I don’t trust you enough to allow you to know the real me and help me. Why are you trying to help me again?
“I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar’s chair”
The distortion and trust issues are all fixable and I wear them, but it is all based upon a lie I refuse to acknowledge, just like every other distortion.
“Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair”
The distortion has won, and I don’t know how to fix it. No one can rescue me except June Carter Cash now. June Carter Cash was the love of Johnny Cash's life.
“Beneath the stain of time, the feelings disappear”
I tried to make my pain go away by burying it so deep that I lie to myself about forgetting it with time.
“You are someone else, I am still right here”
You have moved on with your life, while I am stuck in depression mode and cannot reach out to you.
“What have I become, my sweetest friend”
Notice the repetition. Depressive Elsa launches yet another round of criticism about why you aren’t reaching out.
“Everyone I know goes away in the end”
Notice the repetition. I am trapped, and even if I become manic Anna the shame and guilt associated with the previous trust issues BLOCK me from reaching out. Besides, I am trapped in such a bad depressive spiral, I keep bottling it up and escalating. Fatalism starts kicks in, and the random suicide thoughts start.
“And you could have it all, my empire of dirt”
Notice the repetition. The self-esteem at this point is so low, and the trust in others is so low, that you become nihilist and don’t care if people help or hurt you anymore. You start checking out.
“I will let you down, I will make you hurt”
Any Olaf or June Carter Cash character that stumbles across me here and tries to save the day cannot help without being hurt in the process by it. “Some people are worth melting for” actually boomerangs against them and puts me into an even worse downward spiral.
“If I could start again, a million miles away”
You are in the suicide zone now, and start forming a concrete plan.
“I would keep myself, I would find a way”
I write the note coming clean to whoever is left trying, and make the attempt.
This is the depressive spiral once your trust issues have been weaponized against everyone. Whether you close the piano (metaphor for a coffin) or start over with “For the First Time in Forever” depends upon whether or not you succeed.
-me on Facebook, December 26, 2020
Luckily, there are ways to work on trust issues. First and foremost, a qualified therapist when you have trust issues is highly recommended. As with everyone else, it takes a while for me to open up to one, but once the ice is broken I can start to tackle these incorrect mindsets about the world. As long as they aren’t proclaiming the world as sunshine and daisies, I am usually fine with them.
Second, you should apply the tips found in this helpful video I found online about trust issues. They are more common than you would think, and the lack of trust is one of the most common ways to ruin or blight a relationship.