This is the sixth installment of the mental health series that I started at the beginning of the month. I am planning to take a pause at the end of the month and head a little into June, unless others want me to keep going. Remember how vulnerable and courageous I am being by even putting this out there!
Before reading this diary, I would read the previous one — "Kristoff as a Weapon is a Song Called Hurt”. That diary explains why people in depressive spirals often have problems reaching out to others to seek help. Basically, it writes off other people that try to help as “They must be crazy if they are going out of their way to help me.” Instead of offering the help, I spurn it.
This cognitive distortion today is many degrees of magnitude worse, and I have used it on practically anyone who has been able to breach the outer perimeter of defenses as outlined above. My brain knows how to sabotage even the best of relationships, and it does so brutally. Read on to find out how this works.
This lesson started as a very emotionally charged Facebook post. Oh, and the secret audience member I mentioned in my first diary in this series was starting to get very suspicious of my intentions after this one.
THIS ONE IS THE WORST UNTIL YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. The posts will get easier until I give you all the gut punch.
This is the fourth post in a series trying to explain my deep mental illness, and how I have used it to shut out the outside world. I recommend reading the other three before starting on this one.
The first was “For the First Time in Forever” which introduced bipolar disorder and the conflicting emotions welling up inside up me right now.
The second was “My Trust Issues Are Kristoff From Frozen”, which shows how Kristoff is a playable character for me at the same time as the Anna/Elsa bipolar duo.
The third was “Kristoff as a Weapon is a Song Called Hurt”, which shows how the fact that I reject almost everyone due to trust issues traps me into a deep depressive spiral that only June Carter Cash/Olaf or rock bottom can heal.
Now, we have the next distorted thinking piece, which is titled “I Will Always Love You”. It is sung by both Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston. Both are excellent, but my generation grew up with Whitney Houston so I will use that cover.
Say you are a successful Olaf or June Carter Cash, and earn my trust with “some people are worth melting for.” Well, depressive me can win here too, and does it in a VERY brutal fashion. You WILL be cut out by the depressive me with a brain (I enter the stage), because that brain knows how to trick you and turn your trust against you still.
The way it wins is that my self-esteem hasn’t been raised yet, and the card that will be played is the ‘I am not worthy of this wonderful person, I must be the better person and walk away because all I do is harm them and I am holding them back’ deal. Because you trust them, you walk away. You think you are helping them in their life by doing so, when all that happens is worry and hurt.
-me, December 27, 2020 on Facebook
It’s literally the plot of “I will Always Love You”.
Here are the lyrics...
If I should stay, I would only be in your way
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way
And I will always love you
I will always love you
You, my darling you, hm
Bittersweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So, goodbye
Please, don't cry
We both know I'm not what you, you need
And I will always love you
I will always love you
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish to you joy and happiness
But above all this, I wish you love
And I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I, I will always love you
You, darling, I love you
Oh, I'll always, I'll always love you
You’d think that this would be an easy problem to fix, but when I am in a depressive spiral, I am so inward focused that I cast everyone and everything that matters to me aside. This cognitive distortion is so powerful that two mutually exclusive things happen in my thoughts at the same time.
- I love you so much that I must protect you from myself. I don’t want to drag you down with me. I know deep down that I am hurting you and I don’t want to live with that added realization on top of all of the other shit going on in my life. If you stay, you don’t respect me enough to honor my wishes. It is deep down very noble and yet extremely selfish.
- I resent you for keeping your distance after casting you aside. This is another test, and I don’t give you any choice but to fail it. If you stay, you fail. If you abandon me just like everyone else, you fail. Heads I win, tails you lose.
This isn’t easy to resolve, as both trust issues and prior abandonments by so-called friends team together to protect me from what I perceive as yet another attempt from a Hans like character to take advantage of me. I have 7 out of 7 of the issues below. I need a therapist, BAD.
The video above explains to the letter the last two entries in this series. It also sets the stage for the next entry, which will be about why self-isolation is so appealing to those who suffer from mental health issues. It is entitled “The Myth of Let it Go” — Why Self-Isolation is the Go To Crutch.
Until next time!