Though not due out for months, in what appears will be a five to four decision, the Supreme Court is expected to uphold suits by the attorneys general and governors of Texas and Florida making onanism/masturbation in any venue a crime punishable by lengthy prison terms.
Masturbation in public in most jurisdictions is a misdemeanor. In Texas for example, it is currently punishable by a maximum of $2,000 in fines, and up to 180 days in jail for a first offense. However, based on the court’s finding that sperm is half of the makeup of a human life, the destruction of sperm is,in essence, the attempted murder of an unborn baby. And in Texas, attempted murder is punishable by a minimum of 2 and a maximum of 20 years in state prison; and/or a fine of up to $10,000.
Justice Clarence Thomas, who wrote the majority opinion, has been working on a memoir about his time on and off the court. There’s no hard evidence, but it’s been suggested that the leak occurred when excerpts from the book (following) somehow became public.
Ginni was just coming in the door. She’d had a hush-hush late night meeting with Mark (Meadows) and Rudy (Giuliani). From the broad smile and the way she tossed that beautiful blonde hair, I knew instantly that it had gone well.
“I wasn’t expecting the meeting to go this long,” slipping off her coat and laying it on the back of the sofa, “but we had a Zoom call with Professor Eastman. He explained his plan for replacing Biden electors with Trump electors and Mike Pence accepting only the slate of Trump electors, which,” her face was beaming, “will give Donald Trump another term.”
“That legal?” I wondered aloud.
“Perfectly,” she replied. “After all, Eastman is the foremost legal scholar in the country.” She smiled one of her I so love you darling smiles, “Next to you, Dear, of course.
“Anyway, Clare, I shouldn’t be telling you all this.”
“Of course you should,” I replied. “You never know when it could come up before us at the Court and a heads up never hurts. You know sometimes I get the feeling Roberts intentionally leaves me out of the loop like he thinks I’m not all that smart or something. When there’s a group picture, I can’t help thinking even the conservatives would rather have Obama in my seat.”
“Obama couldn’t fill your seat! They’re all jealous.”
“You always know the right thing to say.”
“And do,” she added walking over to the bar and pulling a bottle of Tanqueray London Dry and two glasses from behind it. She filled these halfway and added a slice of lemon in mine.
Handing me the gin, she plopped down on the arm of the Stratolounger Stallion, “What’re you working on, Clare?”
“It’s the next step after the Court kills Roe v. Wade.”
“What!?”
“Yep, Roe’s deader than a rabbit in a room full of rattlesnakes.”
“Very descriptive, dear,but at the confirmation hearings, didn’t Brett (Kavanaugh) and Neil (Gorsuch) say Roe was settled law? And I think Amy (Coney Barrett) said something like that, too.”
I laughed, “Gin, it amazes me how you white folks can lie under oath with such straight faces.”
“Watch it there,Oreo,” she came back at me. Ginni’s got a terrific sense of humor. It saddens me people don’t always recognize it.
“So, what are you working on? What is this next step after Roe?”
“You might call it the Lord’s business. I’m writing the majority opinion making onanism attempted murder.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see she was impressed. I continued, “Sperm is intended to become one with the egg.”
“That is the Good Lord’s plan,” Gin agreed. “At the very least, masturbation is the negligent homicide of an unborn baby.”
I reached for my Bible on the table beside the Stratolounger. I’d dog-eared the passage. “Right there in Exodus where Judah told Onan, ‘Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.’
“‘But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother.’
‘What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death.’”
“Genesis 38: 8-12,”noted Ginni, “my very favorite Bible passage.”
“Gin?”
“What?”
“No, I mean would you mind getting me another gin, Gin.”
Returning, she suggested,“I think you ought to put something in the majority opinion that speaks to the ‘everyman’, something in plain language like, ‘Ever see the father’s sperm under a microscope swimming to fertilize…wait, marry is a better word…the mother’s egg? See them swim? How alive they are, exactly like tadpoles. Now, how could anyone say they aren’t human?’
“Gin, that is brilliant. I’m going to feature your idea in my comments in conjunction with a classic study by L. Desslandes, MD, Member of the Royal Academy of Medicine who wrote
A Treatise on the Diseases Produced by Onanism, Masturbation, Self-Pollution and Other Excesses copyright 1838.
https://www.gutenberg.org/files/54713/54713-h/54713-h.htm
The lone dissenting vote among strict constitutionalist conservative justices came from Chief Justice Roberts, who said of his fellow majority opinion jurists, “I believe these people are totally out of their freaking minds!”
Warning: The preceding was satire. If it sounded authentic, God help us — just not the one the conservative justices swore an oath to.
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