I hope everyone had a peaceful and happy New Year's. I was woken up at midnight by yahoos firing guns and what sounded like a potato cannon. Ah, Arizona. The more you change, the more you seem to stay the same. Anyway...
A few months ago my son was a groomsman at the wedding of two of his school friends. Afterwards he described it to his sister and I, it sounded like a lovely if somewhat unconventional ceremony followed by a pub crawl through Jerome instead of a more traditional reception. He also mentioned the groom's boyfriend being present for it all. I was, for just a moment, a bit scandalized. Then I learned that the bride's boyfriend was also present. It was the same person. He'd been part of their relationship for some time. And not only was he welcomed at the wedding, his presence was very much wanted by both of the people getting married. If it could have been a wedding for all three it very possibly would have been.
I've known about open marriages and ethical non-monogamy for a long time. But this was something new to me. I was able to remove my Shocked Pikachu expression while my son described the weird cocktail he'd tried during the pub crawl (something involving absinthe and champagne, combined) . The discussion turned to other topics, and I didn't think much more about the unconventional relationship between my son's friends.
That was several months ago. Then my son took a day recently to drive up to Flagstaff to visit his friends who live there. He came home that evening cheerful and full of news about them. All is more or less well; people are happy. It's a good thing. And I started thinking about them again. Or, to be more accurate, I started thinking about my own reactions and feelings about them. I've met his friends; they're nice young people. Nothing to cause a mother to worry about the company her son keeps. Why then should I be...a little scandalized? Possibly my very conservative upbringing had somewhat to do with it; the lessons of childhood can be hard to shake. Even for someone like me, who actively rejected much of it many years ago.
Why would it bother me in the least? These people are all consenting adults who love each other and enjoy their life together. Not only are they not hurting anyone, their shared household and private life has exactly zero impact on me. None of them were impelled by any religion, or pressured by family or cultural expectations. It was a conscious choice, reached and agreed upon by the persons involved.
I decided that it was silly on my part to be even momentarily scandalized by it.
Then of course I asked myself, what if one of my own kids decided to do something similar? They, too, are adults. Smart, savvy, intelligent, thoughtful and caring adults at that. I've spent the past several years feeling proud of the people they've grown up to be, and confident in their abilities to make their own decisions. Their own choices. But then, so far none of those decisions and choices have been for things I'd find worrisome. So...what if my son chose an arrangement like that of his friends? What if my daughter did? Would I be able to accept it, and trust them to know what they want? Hadn't I always told them that I didn't care who they loved, as long as they and their partner are good to each other and happy together? What if "partner", singular, turned out to be partners, plural?
Oh, my. This really was something I'd never considered before. And perhaps I should have.
In my lifetime we've seen same-sex marriage gain acceptance and legal protection. Something I only wish could have happened much sooner. Perhaps then my beloved uncle Tim (who was actually the same age as I) could have married his long term partner. He could have had his husband with him, and not have died alone in a hospital when AIDS was killing thousands...including him. His husband could have had survivors benefits, and inheritance rights. Two lives might have been happier and more peaceful. One life could have continued, alone but not entirely cut off from nearly everything they'd built together.
People can change; attitudes, laws, entire societies can grow and evolve and learn acceptance. It's a damned slow process, but it can be done.
Suppose a day comes when our society's definition of marriage expands even more, to include not just two adult persons, but more? If multiple partners, consenting adults all, are willing and desire to make that commitment, is there any reason why they should not be able to?
If it's really true, that Love Is Love...how can we, how can I, presume to limit it? To judge it? To be scandalized by it?
How indeed?
Thank you for reading. This is an open thread, all topics are welcome.