So, Steve “I Guess I Do Have Some Baggage” Scalise has dropped out of the race to grab the One Ring to Ruin Them All. Steve was once quoted as saying he was basically a step up from David Duke, who had been the Grand Wizard of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. That's one small step for man and a giant leap back to the Antebellum South. Apparently neither Steve or David left the hood. Wardrobe malfunctions suck.
Next up for a shot at the Speaker of the House of Representatives is Jim Jordan. Yep, that Jim Jordan. The one that is part of the Grappling Caucus, which includes Jim Jordan, Dennis Hastert (emeritus), Lauren Boebert and a late entrant to the caucus, George Santos, who gained membership with his incredible cage match with the truth.
Two of those are associated with the sport of wrestling. As for the other two? Well, maybe we shouldn’t go there, just as Lauren shouldn’t have gone there. Especially, since she was being legally video recorded while she illegally video recorded a play’s performance, vaped up a low-ceiling steel mill cloud in the neighborhood of a pregnant woman and engaged in very imaginative free-style holds with her date.
George? Well, he’s currently a contestant playing Truth or Consequences with the U.S. Justice Department.
Now, Jim Jordan is know for his former roles as a college wrestling coach and unlicensed Physician Assistant. And he’s a man with real Republican scruples, which he proves constantly via his wild yelling, bellowing, and screaming of fake outrage and stupendous lies, all accompanied by incredibly copious amounts of spittle sprayed everywhere. And I mean just everywhere. He could put out a California forest fire just reciting his kids' names.
“Hi, Mr Jordan, Cal Fire Protection here. Just wanted to say thanks. You had the fire out by Benjamin and turned it into a fresh water lake by Rachael.”
Jim, being the “Aw shucks” kind of guy he is is always glad to do those things. He’d give you the suit jacket off his back if he thought it could cover up the rancid human being he is, especially since it isn’t doing the trick when it is occasionally on his back.
And get this. George Santos said he predicted Jim’s ascent to the Speaker role in Geometry class in eighth grade, it was Advance Placement for PhD candidates. He didn’t complete the course, but only because he was challenged to do one heart transplant a day for thirty days as a humanitarian gesture.
He decided to do the transplants, but because the class only allowed a total of three days of absenteeism, he dropped the course. In a weird twist of fate, George’s spot was taken by a young Albert Einstein.
Lauren Boebert is also supporting Jim. Is that a help or a hindrance? Who knows for sure, but I’m sticking with the thought that Lauren is what you get when The Logic Store closes at nine and Lauren shows up at ten. Her first thought on this moonlit evening is, “Hmmm, they haven’t opened yet.”
You can just picture her shaking down the doors like they’re a couple of oil lobbyists with open checkbooks. Only when the cops show up to check on a possible burglary does Lauren finally put two and two together, which she realizes equals a foursome.
Then you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene joining the supporting cast for Jordan. Which is weird. Margie was kicked out of the Freedom Caucus, which Jim co-founded. This is like the Nazi Party C-level management playing musical chairs and the ooomph band music stopped with Goebbels way out of position.
Again, is this a help or a hindrance? Well, you decide, but remember this. Margie is what you get when brain cells are doled out like the lottery and you only get to Pick Six. You gotta play to win, as the lotto saying goes.
But, jeez, when all you get are zeroes it doesn’t take Pascal to tell you that you were mathematically eliminated on the very day Hindu-Arabic numerals had their grand opening in the 14th century. Right out of the box your brain never booted up. No Intel-ligence Inside for you MTG.
And this these are just some of the players involved in electing Jordan as Speaker. If we continue down the list our heads will hurt so bad it’ll be as if Cave-In McCarthy rapidly graveled our noggins while trying to bring to order the entire Republican House of Chaos Theory Where Immovable Outrageous Objections Meet Irresistible Forceps Removing Calcified Brain Cobwebs.
And all because of Speaker of the House Cave-In McCarthy.
Which was the worst move in the first place. It’s just too incredible to think they made him Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. That’s like making Kanye “Ye” West the Outreach Director of the Anti-Defamation League. “Oy vey” gets quickly dressed up in a plus-size to “OH. HELL. NOOOOO!!!”
And, McCarthy had sold his soul for next to nothing. Heck, he could have sold his soul to Satan and gotten a better deal. Satan probably exploded after losing out on that Speaker deal.
“Hey, I’d have gotten you Taylor Swift tickets with no Ticketmaster fees, let you install a dimmer switch for the fire and brimstone in your office, even rigged a few prosperity gospels so you’d get a cut of the take, plus time sharing on one of their church jets during peak Sunday business hours.”
“BUT JESUS F. CHRIST, YOU WENT WITH THEM??!! FOR NEXT TO NOTHING!!!” I give up, you can go to hell. And take Sideshow Boebert, CrossFrick and Santoast with you. I’m going to see what I can do for that Crossing the Jordan to Wrestle with the Team Medico guy.”
And now Satan is getting the deal he wants. But, he’s got to work with Lauren, Margie and George.
And really, why not, they already live in his hood anyhow.