Edit: New Pre-ramble
Hello all you cantankerous crocodiles in the comments section. I see I disappointed you with the lack of context regarding this piece. It probably comes as no surprise that I consider myself more of an artist than a straightforward commentator and, as my friends in the arts will gladly tell you -- despite your every protest-- art is at its highest level when it’s understood by no one. This is likely why most of my friends haven’t released anything themselves, as they’re too busy with the slow and delicate process of removing anything that even begins to resemble coherency. But now I see that the readers of the Daily Kos hold the media they consume to a different standard. Also, I just plan forgot; sue me.
But I’m not bitter. Far from it. In fact, I think being an inbred philistine is perfectly valid lifestyle choice. So in the interest of satisfying this clarity fetish you all seem to have, I have provided links to give you all the full context of this piece. Far be it from me to make any of you contemptuous cankers do any of your own damn research or force you think for yourselves. Oh no, I would never inflict such pain onto any dumb animal. It’s because I’m not bitter, you see.
--
(Here ya go, you cavitating crawdads; the first of three ‘get-off-my-ass’ pills. Enjoy: www.boredpanda.com/...)
*One ringy-dingy. Two ringy-dingy*
Customer: "Hello, I'm soon to be a member of a group that will be dining at your restaurant in the near future. I’m showing you the courtesy of calling three weeks in advance so as to inquire about the possibility of there being a vegan option. Would you happen to have anything?"
"Chef": “Well, there is a fantastic gnocchi I can whip up. How does that sound?"
Customer: "Wonderful! I’ll be looking forward to it."
(Three weeks later)
Customer: "We’e here."
Chef: "Oh yeah, I suddenly decided that I don't really give a shit. Um, here's a half-assed salad I threw together on my way to the crapper. That'll be thirty-two dollars."
Customer: "I'm afraid this was not as promised and I'm going to have to offer fair criticism as a result. I'll be sure to give the criticism to you directly so as not to spread bad press and harm your reputation."
Chef: "Fuck you and my reputation! You know what what else gets a one star review? Your mum after I pulled out of her last night... Wait, that was my mum. No matter! You post your shitty review publicly so everyone can see what a shitty review writer you are! My name is John Mountain by the way, and I rub roadkill on my crotch before cooking it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm in desperate need of my pacifier."
Customer: "If you insist..."
--Sometime later--
Chef: "WHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!! I WANT MY BABA!!!! All you vegans are banned! I never wanted to play wiff you anyways! You're all stupid and you smell! I, the chef whose name is John Mountain, enjoy putting on a blond wig and lacey outfits and pretending that I’m Bo Derek, that way I can fantasize about John Derek while I play with myself. Did I mention WHAA?"
--More time later--
(Chow time! Come in get it, you cretinous croutons!: www.dailymail.co.uk/… Oh, and it turns out her name is Perth Fyre, but I’m still keeping the gag about how I don’t it.)
Chef’s former Girlfriend Whose Name I Didn’t Look Up: “I’m leaving you, celebrity chef John Mountain.”
Chef: “What? Why? It’s because of the vegans, isn't it?”
Former Girlfriend Lady: “That may be part of it, former boyfriend whose name is John Mountain, but it’s more than that. I’m...I’m in love with my vibrator, Ruth Buzzy. We’re running off together to live a simple life in the country. I’m sorry, but of the two of you she’s the one that satisfies me best.”
Chef: “There’s more to a relationship than just sex...whatever your name is.”
Former Girlfriend Person Lady: “It IS more than sex, celebrity chef John Mountain; Buzzy is a better listener and conversationalist...”
Chef: “Okay, dear, I see your point. Goodbye.”
Girlfriend Except not Anymore Woman: “...Buzzy has better hygiene and never leaves the toilet seat up...”
Chef: “Yes, I understand. Goodbye now.”
You Basically Know Who I’m Talking About, Right?: “...Buzzy never replaced my birth control pills with Pop Rocks as a prank. Buzzy never told anyone to pull her finger at my dad’s funeral...”
Chef: “Will you just leave already?!”
--More time later than that--
(Here’s the last one. Lap it up, you creamy crustaceans!)
Piss Morgan: “’ello, ‘ello ‘ello. Welcome to the Piss Morgan Show, I’m your host, Piss Morgan. Tonight, as always, we’ll be engaging in a fair and honest debate. With me tonight is a violent former gang member turned vegan faggot, Joey Carbstrong* and benevolent carnist superhero, John Mountain, once again tasked with protecting a somehow always oppressed majority. We’ll start with you, vegan cunt-- why do you hate bees?”
Joey: “Uh, well...”
Piss Morgan: “Don’t be so pushy, Joey; they’ll be plenty of time for me to interrupt you later. Now let’s turn to brave martyr, John Mountain to see what he has to say.”
Chef: “WHAA, Piss, WHAA is what I say. I mean, it was a fair complaint; that I openly acknowledge, but WHAA anyway. WHAA now and forever. WHAA until the earth is absorbed by the sun and WHAA into the afterlife. I don’t think it’s fair that my plan to popularize my establishment through controversy is working in the exact way that I intended it to. Where’s the justice? When you get right down to it, Piss, veganism is the most dangerous form of psychopathy; why else would they not laugh at any picture of me posing with the bodies of gassed pigs?”
Piss Morgan: “A lot like the Gestapo, aren’t they?”
Chef: “Exactly like the Gestapo! The Gestapo was infamous for their aversion to gas chambers. Good observation.”
Chef: “Speaking of gas chambers—“
Piss Morgan: “Don’t go comparing animal agriculture to the holocaust, Joey! That’s very insensitive! Also, bees.”
Chef: “Should we end the show with a joke?”
Piss Morgan: “Of course, if there’s anything us carnists are known for, it’s our clever and original contributions to the comedic arts.”
Chef: “How many vegans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
Joey (Clapping): “Great joke, gents! Let’s go home now.”
Piss Morgan: “It’s rude to interrupt, Joey. Wait for the punchline.”
Joey (Muttering to himself): “Which one? I’m looking at two of them.”
Chef (CONT’D): “None, they rather live in the dark.”
Piss Morgan: “So basically, you just stole a joke that vegans had already come up with, told it in reverse, removing the context that made it applicable in the first place with an added touch of “I know you are but what am I?” BRILLIANT! A prime example of carnist wit!”
Chef: “So if you’re ever in the area, come to my restaurant; our new appetizer is roasted bees glazed in their own honey. I should also mention that, I, John Mountain; that’s my name, I’m John Mountain, really enjoy snorting raw swage through a straw and you can go ahead and post that on social media. In fact, I encourage it. I want everyone to flood social media with how I, John Mountain, likes snorting raw sewage like cocaine. If anything, it’ll probably help my business.”
Piss Morgan: “I’m betting it will. Anything you have to add, Joey, you bee-raping street thug who carries out mob-hits on little old ladies for spare change?”
Joey: “Why did I come here?”
Piss Morgan: “I don’t even know why I’m here, but apparently people like watching me. Join us next time when our topic will be, Clouds: Why would they float over my lawn if they didn't want to get yelled at? I’ll be shouting over the experts to find out.”
--The news spreads--
General public: "Why should anyone be expected to cater to everyone they said they would cater to? He's a chef not a, uh, caterer."
"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity"-- Harlan Ellison
*That’s probably not his real name.