“What do you want for your birthday”? my wife sweet Mel Melissa Pavlik asked as my 49 birthday was getting close.
There was one birthday wish that I wanted to fulfil.
For many years around my birthday, my Facebook and Instagram accounts get inundated with pictures of my friends in the middle of Sunflower fields, taking selfies. And every year I have felt jealous at my friends’ happy faces. So, I tell my wife.
“I want to take a selfie in the middle of a Sunflower field”
“Are you sure that’s your birthday wish” she asks. I nod, and the following weekend we drive some forty miles from where we live to the closest sunflower field.
It’s been years since I visited a sunflower field. The last time, I was about 10 years old, I lived in Guatemala with my family, and we raised rabbits in the back of our patio that we later sold or cook as needed. My mother often sent me and my uncle who was a few years older than me to a nearby farm to cut grass that we used to feed the rabbits.
I loved my uncle and I loved going to the nearby farm to cut grass because they had Sunflowers. I loved those flowers not only for their beauty but also for their ability to follow the light of the Sun. It seemed like they were showing me a path of love and peace.
But then one day while my uncle and I were out cutting grass, my uncle asked me to do him a favor. I loved my uncle he was the older brother that I never had. So, when he asked me to take off my pants and lay down on the floor so he could lay on top of me. I let him.
From the day forward my mind always associated sunflowers with that horrible moment in my life, and I started to hate sunflowers. For me they no longer follow the light, instead they led me to a dark place. I grew to hate Sunflowers so much that for years, whenever I came across a sunflower, I would look at the Sunflower angrily, and if no one were around, I would kick and break the steams of the Sunflower plants.
And now as I stand at the entrance of the Sunflower field, I can feel the anger boiling in my chest.
But I am almost fifty years old, and I have been carrying this guilt, this pain, this anger with me, my whole life. I do not want to carry this anger, this burden anymore.
But as I approach the Sunflower field, my feet feel heavy, walking gets more difficult, I feel lost.
“Are you Ok?” my wife who knows about my childhood trauma asks as she sees me standing there, breathing hard and trembling.
“Can I hold your hand”? I asked my wife.
“Of course,” she says as she wraps her hand in mine.
And I take the first step, and then the next. And as I keep walking into the filed, I feel tears rolling down my face, but I also feel the anger beginning to dissipate. We are still making our way thru the field, but in more ways than one, I do not feel lost anymore.
When we arrive to the middle of the Sunflower field, my wife and I take a couple of pictures together. And I take a selfie and make it into my Facebook profile picture.
“What do you want to do next”? my wife says as we exited the field a few moments later.
“I want to buy a bucket of sunflowers to bring home” I respond to her.
“Are you sure?” she asks
And I smile, because I know that from now on, I will be able to see those flowers and not have flashbacks in my mind, nor pain in my heart and specially not hate in my soul at their mere presence. They will begin to lead me once again into the light.
I still have work to do, but for now; I will walk a little bit easier without a sad memory suddenly stealing the smile from my face.
I got my wish that year, but this year I want to share my wish with all of you:
I wish that we all, find a way, to get rid of our burdens, and that we all manage to walk a little better each day.
I tried to get a video of that story as I told it at The Moth but I ran out of time to share it today for my 51 b-day.
I hope you didn't mind reading the story instead of watching a video of it.
And if you still feel up to it, check out some of my other stories at
https://www.nestorgomezstoryteller.com/video.html
you can see more pictures from that day at the Sunflower field on this thread on Twitter