I have health problems that I have been trying to get a diagnosis for, this has been ongoing for years. I am also feeling extended grief for the death of my parents. Mom from lung cancer in 2004, and my father, in 2015 due to multiple organ failure, caused by blood clots. My mother fought for five years, my father's death was completely unexpected. The nurse called in the middle of the night and told me my dad was in the intensive care unit. One of the worst things I have seen in my life, is what happened to my father's eyes after death, they lost the blue color that I share and became milky white. Recently, I have been flashing back to looking into his eyes and seeing nothing there. Snapshots of his face. It is truly horrible. It was such an awful, unexpected thing to see. My husband and I were at his bedside for about three hours when he suddenly sat up and clutched his chest. Then the monitors went off and about 10 people were at his bedside. I was yelling, "Dad, Dad!" Seeing my father die in front of me is something I am having so much trouble getting over. I have been thinking heavily about my mom's last days, as well. I don't know why I am having so much anguish lately. I went to grief counseling at the time, it did help me. I am wondering if chronic pain and the uncertainty about that is part of the problem and wearing me down emotionally. I still get easily choked up if I try to discuss either of my parents, turmoil is always just under the surface and easily accessible. Maybe it is just how I am made.
I realize that everyone experiences grief differently and there is no right or wrong way to feel. One thing I do know, is that there is no other way through except forward, episodes of crying out of the blue are not going to hurt me, so I am trying to keep things in perspective. I would certainly prefer that I not feel this way, though. I am not writing this for sympathy, I am writing this because I think talking about things like this are helpful and can be healing and emotionally beneficial.
This emotional roller coaster has been going on for quite a while and is part of the reason why I am absent from Dkos sometimes. I get depressed and don't even have the energy to make comments.
Actually, one of the mysterious health ailments I am trying to figure out is debilitating fatigue, which literally leaves me unable to function, I have had so many tests done trying to find out what the hell is wrong with me. More appointments are coming up, it is so exhausting going on endless rounds of various doctor's visits. Who knows, maybe my next appointment with the allergist will be the answer I have been searching for. I sure hope so.