On Sunday mornings, I often wake up to a tray containing a cappuccino, the Sunday New York Times and a bowl of berries topped with freshly whipped cream. I sit up and enjoy all three things. They make me feel cared for.
This is what you might call husband-care.
Self-care is mostly just a marketing ploy.
So much advertising attempts to convince you that you need to buy their stuff to be happy and to take care of yourself. Body lotions, gourmet chocolates, a professional manicure or massage, a designer handbag or clothing — I’ve seen all these things marketed as self-care. They’re supposed to make you happy.
Don’t count on it. They’re nothing more than goods and services for sale.
You can think of them as corporate-care. The company will feel very well cared for indeed if you keep giving them your money.
If you want to spend money on any of these things because you believe you will enjoy them, that’s fine. But it sure isn’t self-care. Real self-care doesn’t require you to buy anything.
What is real self-care?
Making sure you get enough sleep, a bit of exercise and a healthy-enough diet is self-care. Spending time with people you love or at least like is self-care, too. Taking a bubble bath, petting your cat, reading a book, walking your dog, taking a nap, hiking in the woods with friends — indulging in whatever kind of hobby or pastime you enjoy is self-care.
Refusing to sacrifice your own needs in service to others except in special circumstances is a real form of self-care. If my husband were waiting on me hand and foot and I never did a thing for him, that would not be healthy. That would be exploitation. Don’t exploit other people, and try not to let other people exploit you.
Lavishing care on a baby or an ill loved one is good, but slavishly serving people capable of caring for themselves is not. If you’re exhausted because your boss or spouse is taking advantage of you, getting a pedicure is not the answer. Standing up for yourself and insisting your employer or spouse treat you fairly — and walking away if they refuse to do so — now that is some real self-care!
We’ve monetized loneliness.
You shouldn’t have to take care of yourself alone, but thanks to toxic independence and capitalism, we think we are better off buying happiness than working on our relationships with others.
It takes a village to be happy, though. Traditionally, we all leaned on each other sometimes. But not now. Instead, we pay companies to provide many things friends and family members used to do for each other.
When was the last time a friend asked you to pick him up from the airport? He just uses Uber now. When did you last bring homemade soup to a sick friend who lives alone? If she wants soup, we assume, she’ll have some delivered.
Who walks your pets when you’re gone? You might call a professional dog-walker rather than asking your neighbor to feed and let your dog out. Of course, I am talking about occasional favors. If you need someone to take care of your pets regularly, that’s probably more than you should expect of a friend — unless you agreed to trade this favor with your friend.
All those little things people used to do for their neighbors, family members and friends are now paid services. Nobody wants to intrude on someone — or feel like they owe them a favor.
But these little interactions are what help weave together a community. Most of the time, when somebody has asked me to do some kind of favor for them, I’ve been pleased to be able to help. It often brings you closer. It also makes me feel a bit better about asking them to do something for me.
There are a lot of things that aren’t necessarily difficult but require an extra set of hands. We helped a friend cover his backyard bamboo with plastic before bad weather. He helped my husband install a new patio door.
Think of a time when somebody asked you to help them with something. You probably felt good about it, right?
Benjamin Franklin famously said that asking someone to do you a favor tends to make them like you more: “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
Independence can be taken way too far.
Knowing you can take care of yourself is a good thing, but not if you are afraid to let other people into your life.
So many people report being lonely now. We’re more likely to be single and to live alone than any other generation. We don’t want to be a bother to others, so if we need something, we pay a service to do it for us, and if we feel empty and hollow, we spend some money on “self-care” to try to feel better.
Building a network of friends who all have each others’ backs is a better form of self-care. It saves a lot of money, too.
It might just reduce political hatred, too. What if we could despise how our neighbor votes but still bring a casserole when they’ve had a death in their family?
This might be even more important for single people.
If you’re married, most of your caring interactions will probably be between you and your partner. But your spouse or romantic partner shouldn’t be the only person with whom you share small caring actions. And if you don’t have a live-in partner, I think it’s even more important to have friends with whom you’re comfortable exchanging favors.
When was the last time you did something for a friend or loved one? Or they did something for you?
My daughter and I have the exact same pattern of tight muscles in our upper backs. I sometimes dig into her knots and she sometimes digs into mine. That is kid-care and mother-care.
One of my friends did it for me once, knowing I was about to have a painful medical procedure and already had a bad tension headache. She couldn’t believe how hard I wanted her to dig into the knots at the base of my neck — she said it just about finished off her fingers. That was some world-class friend-care. It helped my headache and it relaxed me before my doctor’s appointment.
You don’t have to engage in self-denial.
Maybe you have enough money to splurge on a luxury. I’m not here to tell you not to.
But do it because you choose to, not because you believe it’s a need. Get a latte because you feel like drinking a latte. Even better, ask a friend to meet you at the coffee shop.
Just don’t call it self-care.
About Michelle Teheux:
I’m a writer in central Illinois. If you like my work, subscribe to me on Medium or Substack, or buy me a bag of coffee beans!