Yesterday at the The Moth in Chicago the theme was Chemistry. I got the highest score of the night.
After the The Moth slam my buddy and great storyteller James Gordon told me that he wanted to hear what my story was about, so am going to share a written version of my story here.
I just ask for two favors, Leave a comment after reading it and please check my web site: https://www.nestorgomezstoryteller.com/video.html
I am back In Guatemala after many years away. I am excited to see all the memories of my childhood, turn to reality in front of my eyes.
I get into an Uber (YES, we have Uber in Guatemala) and the driver asks:
“Where are you from?”
I hate that question. I have lived in Chicago for 3 decades, I arrived undocumented but now I am an American citizen but I know that when people in Chicago ask me that question is because they look at me and don’t see me as an American.
And I hate that the Uber driver is asking me that question because I was born and raised in Guatemala but to him, I am just another foreigner.
“I live in Chicago” I tell the Uber driver “but I was born and raised here”.
“How is Chicago”? he asks
“It’s cold, it reminds me of my ex-wife” I respond. I tell him that Chicago is busy and noisy. I am so looking forward to spending days in Guatemala. Enjoy the quiet of the city, the green open spaces, and its fresh air.
The Uber driver gives me a strange look.
It takes only a few moments after we leave the airport for me to realize what the strange look was all about.
The green open spaces that I remember have been replaced by rows and rows of houses. There are roads everywhere, full of cars. I don’t know if you know this, but in Guatemala there are no emission test for cars. Every other car is leaving behind a black cloud of smoke. You don’t need a Chemistry degree to know that that’ not how you keep the air fresh people!
I can’t breathe, am coughing. I closed my window to avoid breathing the smoke, but I can still hear the noise of the cars. This is not the quiet and clean city of my childhood.
There are so many cars on the road. The trip to my hotel should have taken an couple of hours, if I remember right. But we have been on the road for hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Finally, after a long time, we make it to my hotel. I am excited again. Soon I will be going to lake Atitlan, the most beautiful lake in the world. (sorry lake Michigan) Before we left Guatemala when I was 15 years old, many, many years ago, my mom took me and my siblings to that lake as a way to say goodbye to our country. Now am back here after so many years.
I remember getting into the lake when I was a kid, and how even though the water was up to chest, which is not too deep, only about 3 feet ‘cause am short; I could still see my feet. The water was crystal clear. I took a bunch of water in hands and I drank it. It was so good. And the best part was that my mom rented a little cabin right on the edge of the lake.
But now am here and it’s not the same. The shores of the lake are packed with hotels, restaurants and tourists taking selfies. The water is murky, and no one is bathing there.
I ask somebody that lives there. “What happened”?
Well, he replies, this is where they were dumping the sewer from the houses.
I step back from the lake. You don’t need to have a Chemistry degree to know that this is no how you keep the water clean people!
Things are not the same as I remember them, or perhaps I am not the same; because I start to miss Chicago. Here I walk everywhere, I start to miss the Chicago trains and buses, I miss the CTA.
A few days later am back at the airport. This time I am landing back in the USA, I know am back for two reasons, in Guatemala everyone was so nice, people say good morning to one another in the streets, they see you and smile at you. Here, people are looking at their phones, no one is making eye contact. People are pushing or ignoring one another. They are meant.
I missed that. I actually missed that.
Plus is the weekend of the Super Bowl. Nothing is more American than that. I feel excited about been in the USA. I go to a restaurant and order a Hamburger with fries. I pay for my meal and start making my way out of the restaurant. Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder.
“You didn’t pay for your meal” The waitress says as she orders me to follow her back to the restaurant.
I show her my receipt. She doesn’t believe I pay. A few seconds later she finds my payment on her computer. She doesn’t apologize.
I don’t fight, I’m so tired I just want to go home.
But where is home?
I love my native land, but the Chemistry is not there. The memories are not the same as the reality. I know people are trying to fix it, but it is still not the same.
I think about the USA but the Chemistry is off, I lived in this country for most of my life and people don’t see me as an American, I have to put up with microaggressions day after day. I love this country with all my heart. This is the country of many of my first’s times: The first time I made love to a woman, my first real job, my first marriage. My first divorce, my second divorce. I have been living the American life.
I love this country with all my heart, its promise of life and freedom for all and I know that people are trying to make it better but like any other person of color living here, I love this country so much; I just wish that it would love me back the same way.