Here is my Super Bowl LVlll prediction and projected game highlights for next Sunday’s game.
Kansas City Swifts, née Chiefs: 38 — San Francisco 49ers: 35 — Trump and MAGAs: The Real Losers
I predict a back and forth game with both teams doing a tit-for-tat in scoring throughout the game.
Noteworthy players during the game: quarterbacks Patrick Mahomes and Brock Purdy both excelling with two TDs a piece, and Christian McCaffrey will rack up over one hundred yards rushing and two scores.
Plus McCaffrey will tally some cheap high hosannas from the far-right clergy for their misguided perception he’s doing a freebie sponsorship and the Lord’s Work because of his first name, no points awarded on the scoreboard. It’ll turn out later he was named for Fletcher Christian, one of the Mutiny on the Bounty members dissatisfied with their cruise ship port itinerary. Further reporting will reveal his godmother is Liz Chaney.
No prediction on Travis Kelce’s effectiveness on game day, but he and Taylor Swift will be teaming up for huge yardage in media and style points, again no scoreboard points, but lots of season ending butt hurt and damaged fees fees for MAGAs, so that'll be chalked up as a lose one for the Gripers.
Instant replay will show both Swift and Kelce were inbounds the entire time and the MAGAs so far out of bounds the only camera that captured them was the one on the James Webb telescope, and the resolution will have been so fuzzy and pathetic as to look like a James Comer accusation.
Final score to push KC into the win column will be a Swift kick in the pigskin for the go ahead points late in the game. Trump will immediately call her a nasty woman for having personally booted his ass like that. Stormy will huff that she whacked him harder with a rolled up magazine in private. Melania will wear a jacket emblazoned with “I really don’t score, do u?” on the back. After the season is over she’ll be released to the Russians for a third round pick in their next army draft.
Side bets: you’re more likely to see Florida time share commercials than you will see cryptocurrency commercials this year, odds 5:1. Ron DeSantis will be the spokesman for those time share commercials, odds 3:1. Some cheap CGI system will be used to depict DeSantis in those commercials versus the real thing, odds 2:1. Odds that at air time Casey DeSantis won’t be able to pick out which is which: even.
And this in spite of the fact she will have been in the studio at the time of filming and would have been the one to have decked him out his Aladdin-curved toe capped boots. How could she not pick the real one?! All you have to do is subject each of the Rons to a food test. The proof is in the pudding, so it should be easy to finger the right one.
Other things to watch for: Taylor Swift will be on camera for a total of twenty-three seconds, and each time she’s on a weird weather equinox will take place with blizzards of snowflakes cropping up across the country. No snow removal necessary, they’ll melt like Hunter Biden evidence.
There will also be a total of fourteen celebrities spotted in the crowd, including Scott Baio, but he won’t be counted because he’s just one of the beer vendors. Jon Voight will hold up a sign with a Scripture verse number that turns out to be Trump’s tanning spray nozzle setting.
All this will cause God to throw up a little in His mouth, hurl a honey sauce wing at the Big Screen and turn the channel to a 700 Club rerun because super silly, low-brow comedy always has a way of lifting His spirits.
Alternative things to do at halftime: MTG will present a laser light show with the Jewish Precision Fire Drill Team, you can join Mike Johnson in trying to resist watching porn, you can watch Mike Johnson’s son gleefully blowing up his father’s phone for watching porn, you can watch Lauren Boebert move to her fourth congressional district in order to run for re-election and run from her reputation, you can watch Chip Roy make his Goatee Cheese Dip with Texas Spittle Sauce . . . and watch God throw up in His mouth again.
As for the game itself, just deciding whether or not to call pass inference will apparently be determined by a spontaneous coin toss, a quick game of Rock Paper Scissors or complete utter whim at the referees’ discretion, so nothing new there from the regular season rules.
And, as always, you must make a football move after catching the ball for it to be considered a completed pass. Which I’m so happy to know since all that stuff a receiver does to just hold on to the ball after he snags it — so as to avoid being subjected to a quickie organ donor session by Doctor Linebacker and Doctor Defensive Back — seems so inconsequential. “The replay shows it was not a completed pass, but the receiver’s left kidney, spleen and two feet of intestines have been removed from the field of play. It’s third and ten hematomas.”
Look, I know this is a pet peeve of mine, but if you’re on the field and you catch a ball I consider anything after that to be a football move. For chrissake, you’re on a football field, everything is a football move, except for those quick out sideline passes that never work. That’s not football, that’s what you call when you lose your place on that stupid chart you keep holding up to your mouth to disguise that you’re calling that stupid play again.
And, oh, the Department of Defense will secretly commission a new Pentagon Paper confirming what you and I already know, there was no conspiracy, we were just putting our hands over our mouths to hide our laughter, but our high decibel laughing gave us away. Sure, that’s offensive, but offense is how you win the game.
And remember. What happens in Vegas, gambling, stays in Vegas, your money.
That, and to the Swift go the spoils.