Taking a cue from Hlinko’s excellent and funny-ass but sadly true diary here...
The Alabama Supreme Court on Wednesday ruled that bathing with a loofah sponge angers a vengeful God as it literally murders hundreds of thousands of innocent skin cells that were made by said God in His image. This leaves open the inevitability of any number of lawsuits designed to bring about a ban on everything from lipo-suction to face-lifts where any excess skin removed is not preserved for eternity in a cryofreezer, which will likely cause an uproar in the wealthy Republican over 40 population.
“This ruling endangers the very act of Bathing!” said one wealthy The Party of Leopards Eating Faces politician’s wife, who spoke on condition of anonymity to avoid the unavoidable stochastic terrorism and subsequent death threats from hicks everywhere that are celebrating the ruling as a reason to NEVER BATHE AGAIN.
Meanwhile, in other judicial news, The United States Supreme Court has now ruled that Cake Bakers and Website Designers everywhere can now refuse to make cakes and design websites for interracial couples, Muslims, Sikhs, Buddhists, Jains, black people in general, Native Americans, women, Catholics, Latter Day Saints, cats, dogs, neighbors that play loud rap music at all hours of the night, Jews, and people that have less than 5 AR-15’s in their homes, citing rulings by a 16th Century British witch hunter in their rationale designed to protect the religious freedom of Evangelical Christians only. Judges Tharence Clomas’ and Amuel Salito’s concurrences were quoted after the ruling was released in the case from SCOTU’s Shadow Docket saying, “Hey, why stop at the queers?”