WARNING: This piece makes sarcasic fun of conformity, stupidity and everything else that normal people hold dear. The only cows I’ll be slaughtering here are your sacred ones.
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1. Lions eat meat, and science has yet to conclusively prove that lions and humans are in any way different.
2. Humans have a tendency to get marooned on desert islands that have no vegetation but manage to sustain animal life (excluding humans) entirely by magic, thus forcing us to eat animals. This happens to me about three times a week.
3. Protein is the only nutrient in existence, and it’s one that we need it in a vast abundance and only animal-products happen to contain it.
4. Vegans only care about animals and don't give a damn about their fellow man whereas we think it's a bigger priority to reduce human suffering. That's why the vegetables and grain that could feed people in third-world nations are instead used to fatten cattle.
5. Cows have to be milked or else their udders would explode, and because cows sprout from the ground fully grown like potatoes, the milk must be intended for human consumption.
6. Plants are alive and, while animals don’t have feelings, broccoli certainly does. L. Ron Hubbard even proved that tomatoes scream while being sliced and when I think of factually accurate information, I think of L. Ron Hubbard.
7. BACON!
8. Plant agriculture also contributes to the deaths and misplacement of non-human creatures. The only solution is to contribute to it even more by supporting the meat industry.
9. Plant-based products contain harmful things such as lecithin (don’t look up what it is, just know that it’s of the devil), whereas dairy products like milk and butter aren’t made of anything except for milk and butter which don’t have any ingredients since they are made entirely out of themselves.
10. Eating pants is gross and insane quite unlike the consumption of charred corpses and bodily excretions.
11. I was on a vegan diet for over an hour and I didn’t feel any better.
12. Every human has at least two teeth that are kind of pointy. I’m sure that proves something.
13. No one has ever solved all the world's problems in less than a quarter of a second by going vegan, so it must be invalid.
14. Vegans try to make their food look like meat, whereas cow and chicken guts naturally look like burgers and nuggets.
15. A vegan once implied that I wasn’t compassionate and I had to eat twice the number of animals to prove him wrong.
16. Soy is bad for the human body, therefore it’s best we stick with eating the animals that are fed large amounts of soy.
17. All plant-based foods are heavily processed, unlike meat which is never processed.
18. Meat inherently tastes better than plants which is why meat is never seasoned with plant matter.
19. Shut up.
20. I saw a black person eat a burger thereby proving that being vegan is racist.
21. Animal products strengthen your sense of humor. This is made plainly evident by all the clever and oringal examples of carnist humor that I’m sure exist somewhere.
22. Normal people eat meat, and mindless conformity is humanity’s greatest virtue.
23. Being against animal cruelty puts you at odds with human rights as you can only ever be for or against one thing. For example, the moment I positioned myself as anti-war I became in favor of child-trafficking. I often question whether I made the right choice, but it’s too late either way.
24. Vegans are always trying to convert us into their religion instead of just eating meat the way God intended.
25. Vegans are hypocrates; they say they don’t consume flesh, yet it’s something we need to live. This means that any vegan you see walking around and talking must, in fact, be a zombie. And I think we all know what zombies eat...
26. Milk is so beneficial that it’s good for you even if you’re allergic to it.
27. Vegans are inherently pretentious, smug and are always pushing their live-styles on the rest of us, whereas we meat-eaters have the magical ability to taunt vegans with our lunches, shove meat into their faces for a laugh, push meat and dairy consumption on Television, in magazines, on billboards and everywhere else, mock veganism on just about every mainstream comedy show, talk ad-nauseum about the joys of eating meat to those who clearly aren’t interested and try to trick vegans into eating meat while somehow not being even remotely pushy or arrogant. This is a skill that can be easily acquired through eating pork.
28. Meat makes you smarter as our arguments clearly indicate.
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Say, did you that this piece is a variation of one published in this book? www.lulu.com/… Hey, did you also know that very same author published a second book? www.lulu.com/… Way, did you also know as well that bread made with potato flour is technically a baked potato?