I have just finished a very quick read entitled "How To Be President". With all due respect to the author, Stephen P. Williams, I would like to offer a parallel annotated version entitled "How To Be President If You Are George W. Bush". And, so I will encapsulate Williams' words in a gray box, followed by my version for the current president.
[The key to generally accepted abbreviations is as follows:
WH= White House, POTUS=President of the United States, FF=First Family, FS=First Spouse, and SS=Secret Service]
With apologies to Mr. Williams there's more below:
The Red Phone
At your beside is a phone that will ring only in case of severe emergency. This is the phone your national security advisor would use to alert you to an attack on the nation.
For GW:
Don't pay attention to the red phone by your bedside. Someone else will take care of any emergencies, kind of like what happened with 9-11 and Hurricane Katrina.
Presidential Freebies
Unlimited periodical and newspaper subscriptions
For GW:
Don't worry about reading any newspapers. Someone on your staff will make a DVD of any newsworthy event. (You know the media is liberal anyway, so why bother?)
FAQ
What if I need a doctor?
The Office of the Physician to the president offers worldwide emergency medical service and regular comprehensive medical care to you and the FF.
The federal government pays your medical and psychiatric bills.
For GW:
I wouldn't talk about the freebie medical plan if I were you, especially with the bankruptcy bill causing more and more Americans without healthcare to lose their savings, their homes,and sometimes their lives. Also, it would probably be a good idea if you took advantage of the psychiatric care...you're not looking too good these days, especially with your poll numbers tanking.
Where do I get ... cash?
You may use your ATM card to obtain money, 24 hours a day, from the WH Credit Union Machine in the basement of the WH.
For GW:
Just call Jack Abramoff; he's usually flush with Indian Casino money, or any other myriad of sources from hoodwinked donors. If that doesn't work just call your father or any one of the sultans in the United Arab Emirates. Your VP may also have a slush fund from the stolen money used to pad Halliburton.
Presidential Hours
As president, you may work as little or as much as you deem necessary
For GW:
Come on George, an average of 98 vacation days a year? That doesn't really look too good to Joe Schmo who only gets 2 weeks vacation a year.
As chief executive, you enforce the federal laws, treaties, and federal court rulings; Your Official Job Description (here are just 2)
Develop federal policies; prepare the national budget; and appoint federal judges.
As commander in chief, you direct national defense and decide whether or not to use nuclear weapons.
For GW:
Whoops, George, you've broken the law with the NSA wiretapping scheme, and you let your chief of staff reveal the identity of a CIA operative working to stem the flow of nuclear weapons. You've broken the Kyoto Treaty. You've given India nuclear material, clearly against the Proliferation Treaty. Better watch your step! See if you can get some laws changed or threaten your favorite Congressmen and women if they begin to investigate any of your illegal activities.
You started a war based on false information, which hasn't really helped our national defense. And you look like you're aiming to start another unnecessary war. Not a good idea. At least you haven't used nuclear weapons YET.
The Daily Brief
The president's first business of the day is the presidential daily briefing. [Among other items the PDB includes the following]
Terrorist threats, health problems of world leaders, economic disasters, and other important news is covered in brief reports within the notebook.
For GW:
Oh, oh...remember the PDB that said, "Bin Laden determined to strike within the United States". George, you weren't paying attention and look what happened on 9-11. And it looks like we've got one hell of an economic disaster right in the United States, with the biggest deficits EVER looming ahead.
FAQ:
How do I get snacks?
Every refrigerator in the WH, including private quarters, offices, and public dining areas, including the Oval Office kitchen, is stocked with free sodas from the Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola companies.
....various types of potato chips and pretzels are also donated free to the WH, and you may consume as many of these snacks, without charge, as you wish.
For GW:
Remember: Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola are corporations. And remember too, George, you like corporations more than you like the American people. Think "tax breaks" as you slug down one of those delicious beverages. And, a word of caution...you've had your difficulties with pretzels, so remember to chew and then swallow when munching on the little salty snacks.
White House Mess
The WH Mess is a dining facility in the basement of the WH, open to certain WH staff members.
For GW:
White House Mess is what you've made of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Maybe when a Democrat is in the WH they'll be able to clean up after you, but it's gonna take a really long time.
How To Act In A Press Conference
Comportment:
Relax. Practice beforehand the answers to likely questions. This will help you appear more confident.
Use proper grammar and avoid slang and off-color words.
For GW:
George, there are too many instances where you clearly didn't practice what you were going to say. For example: Abu Graib came out as Abu Greff, Abu Gareeb, Abu Graff, etc. You're the one who took over the torture prison from Saddam; you could at least know how to pronounce the name of the darn facility.
As for grammar, I don't know where to begin. You have killed the English language so many times. And remember, George, holding up your middle finger is very similar to "off-color" language. Be careful, George.
How To Release A Difficult News Item
If your administration has difficult or potentially embarrassing news to release, it's best to let the press know late on a Friday afternoon, when there is likely to be less coverage. The public pays less attention to news that is printed or broadcast on Saturday.
For GW:
Friday is definitely going to be your best friend. You know the old acronym TGIF!
The State of the Union Speech
The annual State of the Union speech is ranked among the president's most important public appearances. Your speechwriter will do dozens of drafts of the speech for you, based on meetings with you and other staff members.
For GW:
Just curious George...what happened with the funny little 16 words about yellow cake from Niger slipping into one of you speeches? Didn't anybody fact check and realize that these words were an outright lie? That little lie cost a lot of human suffering for no reason at all. Hmmmm...makes me wonder what else you've been sticking in your speeches.
Maybe you better sit down and read what those bad people are putting in your speeches.
How To Place Your Hand Over Your Heart
Using your right hand, remove your hat, if you are wearing one.
Hold it at your left shoulder so that your hand extends over your heart on the left side of your chest.
If you have no hat, place your right hand, with the palm open, over your heart.
Leave your hand on your heart until the conclusion of the anthem.
For GW:
Since you have no heart, disregard the above information. Save yourself a lot of trouble. (The directions are probably a little difficult anyway)
Termination of Employment
Your job is secure unless impeachment proceedings are brought against you by the Congress. The term impeachment applies only to the initial indictment against you, which is followed by a trial by the House of Representatives. The law is covered by six clauses in the U.S. Constitution: Article I, sections 2 and 3.; Article II, sections 2 and 4. These direct that the House of Representatives indict the president, the Senate tries him, and the Chief Justice of the United States presides over the inquiry. The House will draw up the articles of impeachment, including specific charges, and present the case to the members of the Senate, who are sworn in as jurors. Impeachable charges include "Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors."
You may quit by simply tendering your resignation to the Secretary of State.
For GW:
I think your job is safe right now because you have a lot of Republican house members watching your back. The 2006 elections could spell some trouble for you, if the Democrats win back Congress. Impeachment hearings could very well begin if that happens. You also might want to know that several states and towns have passed impeachment resolutions. So that "I" word is really floating around. There's also a pesky special prosecutor by the name of Patrick Fitzgerald who seems to be nosing around a little too much in any obstruction of justice and perjury charges that might just have something to do with the WH.
At any rate, you might want to have a little note for Condi waiting in your desk, just in case you'd like to TENDER YOUR RESIGNATION.
Say goodnight, George.