BUSH MISSING SPEECHES
By Peter Fredson
A Slight Satire
September 5, 2005
Due to the annoying interruption of GWB's vacation by the wrath of God in the Gulf Coast, Mr. Bush will be unable to give some of the speeches he had prepared to enlighten the American public on the State of the Nation, particularly in Iraq.
Therefore I have taken the liberty, by virtue of divine guidance, to give the main excerpts from the tragically missing speeches so people can tell what GWB was thinking. I know this will not reproduce the sincere stare of GWB, his strange diction, nor the strut and swagger appropriate to his speeches, or the prearranged clapping of his selected audiences, but this is a time of trouble for GWB and his burden is already very heavy.
THE MISSING QUOTATIONS
"Our brave boys need all your support now. Any criticism of their leader will surely contribute to the death of some of those brave boys."
"We must stay the course. I cannot emphasize this more strongly: we gotta stay the course."
"I figured to attract them terrists to Iraq. In that way they can't come over the America. We can kill them there and then there won't be any more terrer."
"I give them Iraqis back their sovereignty, except for a coupla bases I'm building, and a super embassy. I gived them Iraqis the best Iraqi exiles I could find and put them in power, and now it's up to them."
"Colin Powell told me that like in Pottery Barn, if I break something I gotta fix it. Well, I intend to fix it. I'll fix it if it takes me the next ten years."
"All that torture and abuse you been hearing about. It ain't really nothing, just a couple of privates raising a fuss, and we'll take care of them, believe me."
"I said we weren't going to do national-building, but them Iraqis just refused to make a democracy after I got Saddam, so it's their fault that I gotta build a nation."
"It was really all about bringing Freedom and Democracy to them Iraqis and to do that I had to destroy the old infrastructure and get rid of some collaterals, just a few thousand."
"And all those terrists in Iraq now, they come from Iran and Syria because they hate Freedom and Democracy and our values, and me and Condi are planning to fix them too."
"Those Iraqis I put in power sure better get with it soon. I want them to freely make a Constitution like I need them to make.
"When will I get our troops out of Iraq? Well, that's hard to say."
"Do I have any regrets? No. Do I havta apologize for something? NO."
"When will I declare the war to be officially over? Well, like I told ya MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. It'll be over when it's over."
"How are things going in Iraq right now? Well, they're going good, very good. Might be better, but goin good. You betcha."
"Am I going to fire Rumsfeld? No, he's doing exactly what I put him in there to do."
"Are we achieving progress in the war in Iraq and in the war on terrrism. Yeah, sure. We're succeeding. Americans are a lot safer now."
"When am I going to let go those prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. Pretty soon, now. Pretty soon."
"The world is more peaceful and more free under my leadership. The resistance within Iraq is orchestrated by terrorists whose bombings represent the same mentality... that attacked us on September the 11th, 2001."
"What do I think about Karl Rove accidentally spilling the name of some CIA operative? Well, the subject is now under review by my attorney-general and it wouldn't be appropriate to discuss that subject now."
"Did I hear about a hurricane hitting New Orleans? What hurricane?"