From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
[Dum Dum...Dum!]
This is the plaintiff...the 25 million residents of Iraq. They claim the defendant bought a puppy, but failed to pay for it. Then he committed acts of mass genocide, including torture and gassing of his own people. They're suing for one hundred dollars---the price of the puppy---and the defendant's execution.
[Dum Dum...Dum!]
This is the defendant. Saddam Hussein. He claims the puppy was a gift, and therefore he wasn't obligated to pay for it. And murdering his own citizens was simply a misunderstanding. He's countersuing for 59 dollars and 62 cents in emotional damages.
[Wacka wacka wacka wacka wacka...]
What you're about to see is real. The litigants are not actors. They've agreed to settle their dispute here...in The People's Court!
[Dum Dum! Wacka Wacka!]
Hello, I'm Doug Llewelyn. THIS is the CASE of "Whose Puppy Is It, Anyway?" The plaintiff claims the defendant knew he was buying the 3-month-old cocker spaniel, but willfully ignored their pleas for payment, instead choosing to `unleash' a deadly veil of mustard gas on his own people and erect several large-scale torture chambers. The defendant claims the killings were just a joke...and that the plaintiff is barking up the wrong tree. So who's right in this case? And who's really in the dog house? Let's listen in as Judge Wapner decides the case...
It all starts in the Extended Copy section... [Dum Dum...Dum!] RIGHTNOW! [Wacka Wacka Wacka...]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 1, 2004
Daily Countdown:
Days 'til Tour de France: 2
Days 'til Democratic Convention: 25
Days 'til Republican Convention: 60
Days 'til General Election: 124
Fahrenheit 9/11 gross to date: $32,314,000
CHEERS to July. In Maine, it's the only month that comes with a no-snow guarantee (but our shovel's still on the porch, just in case).
CHEERS to new Saddam photo. AKA...what Dennis Miller will look like at 65: http://wwwimage.cbsnews.com/images/2004/07/01/image626940l.jpg. Eerie.
JEERS to mission unaccomplished. Iraq is worse off since we got our paws on it, says General Accounting Office: http://www.myrtlebeachonline.com/mld/myrtlebeachonline/news/nation/9044500.htm Less electricity, jammed courts, and mass desertions by police and civil defense personnel top the list. Worst of all: still no Starbucks.
JEERS to lousy stinking ass-kissing two-faced clown idiots. Yes, of course we're talking about the AARP. They enthusiastically backed Bush's Medicare bill, but now they're shocked---SHOCKED!---that drug companies immediately jacked up their prices once the law was passed: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=578&e=5&u=/nm/20040630/ts_nm/health_pric
es_dc. Do you think it'll be discussed at the next all-expenses-paid Hawaiian pharmaceutical-company junket?
CHEERS to comeuppance. Ralph Reed, the darling of the Bible-thumping family-values crowd, gets nabbed in casino money-laundering scheme. If they had found him in bed with Bill Bennett it would have been perfection. But...we're still grinning.
JEERS to health hazards. EPA says 100 million Americans are ingesting tons of harmful microscopic garbage from the air. Democrats set to introduce bill to reduce emissions of Limbaugh, Hannity and Savage.
CHEERS to the smoking gun. Hey Hannity, Hume, Barnes and friends! So Bush never said there was a link between Iraq and 9/11, huh? Nah, he went one step better. He put it in writing: http://usembassy.state.gov/islamabad/wwwh03032001.html (via O'Franken Factor blog). Why, Brit...I do believe your reading glasses are fogging up.
CHEERS to Howard Stern. Individual stations are going around the Clear Channel juggernaut to pick up the shock jock again in key markets: http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/06/30/stern.bush/index.html. Howard's money quote: "John Kerry will receive more votes because of this...My audience will vote in a bloc." What's next...a haircut??
JEERS...literally...to Dick Cheney. The VeepBot got booed at a Yankees game Tuesday night. Fans caught him in the act of being himself.
JEERS to Kathleen Parker. Orlando Sentinel columnist on why gay marriage should be illegal: "Once the courts recognize gay marriage as equal in all ways to heterosexual marriage, then everyone else---including churches---has to recognize gay marriage as equal, too. Any opposition will be deemed hateful by definition..." [emphasis mine]. ( http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/opinion/columnists/orl-edpparker27062704jun27,1,5569616.column ) See item below and watch as our 18th president throws a verbal cream pie in Miss Twisted-panties' face...
CHEERS to the new $50 bill. Ulysses S. Grant gets a facelift: http://money.cnn.com/2004/06/30/news/economy/new_fifty/index.htm?cnn=yes. One reminder of why he deserves the accolades (this is for you, Kathleen): "Declare church and state forever separate and distinct; but each free within their proper spheres." Amen.
CHEERS to the turning point. On July 1, 1863 the Battle of Gettysburg began, marking the high-water mark for the Confederacy. If the real events were anything like that wretched Turner movie, most of the troops died of boredom.
JEERS to impending divorces. Britney Spears: "This is my life and I don't care what people think. I'm going to get married. I'm in love with him." Kiss `o death, right there.
JEERS to Supreme idiocy. 13 years ago today, George "41" Bush nominated porno-obsessed, sexual-harassing federal appeals court judge Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. And haven't we all benefited from the depth of his wisdom? Hello? Hello?
CHEERS to the only poll that matters. Electionwatch.com says Kerry's wristwatch is outselling Bush's 3-to-1: http://www.electionwatches.com/checkpolls.html. We couldn't resist buying one. But our `Howard Dean For President' timepiece will always be part of our formalwear.
CHEERS to bombshell birthdays. Pamela Anderson turns 37 today. But more important: her breast implants are now teenagers (they grow up so fast).
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?