(by George W. Bush, as transcribed by Rich Procter -- summary from book proposal)
GEORGE W. BUSH -- "I figure it's just about time for me to share my leadership secrets, since I've now established my street cred as the world's only Immaculately, Perfectly Defectless and Infallible Leader(tm). So here ya are. Take notes.
GO BY YOUR GUT - Now, I done heard all this yakkity-yak b.s. about how CEO's and leaders and stuff are supposed to "read books" and "learn stuff" and "talk to people" and "study problems." Who the hell has time for that when there's NASCAR on TV? Dang, what a bunch o' hot air. I'm here to tell ya that ya gotta go by your gut. Trust your gut. I do, and it's never failed me.
My gut told me that cutting taxes not once but three times would create millions of new jobs, get rich people to invest in new businesses, and spur so much growth we wouldn't run any deficits. Okay, so that one didn't work out so well - YET. Let's move on. My gut also told me that Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction, and he was fixin' to use them weapons on a country run by a certain Yours Truly.
Okay, this leads me to my section on HOW TO DEAL WITH MISTAKES, IF YOU NEVER, EVER MAKE THEM. Here's my Five Point Guide:
1) NEVER admit a mistake. Ever. Not ever. Everything you do is right, perfect, and brilliant. I, myself, have never made a mistake. Some snarky-ass New York media elitist asked me a "gotcha" question at a press conference recently - I think he was tryin' to get me to apologize for a mistake or somethin'. See the tricky part in that? How could I apologize if never MADE a dang mistake?
"Now," you're probably askin', "what if I'm not immaculately, perfectly defectless and infallible like you are, Dubya?" Well, dadgummit, you CAN BE! See? Here's how it works in the case of Iraq. (You might want to get a pencil and write this down.).
- I decided to go into Iraq because Saddam Insane had nuclear, biological and chemical weapons, and he was fixin' to use them on us. This was the right decision, even though there were no weapons. Why? Because I made it. I never make mistakes. Therefore, it HAD to be the right decision! Once you get this "Circle of Infallibility" goin', you can work backwards to the logic part! In this case, all I had to was to change out the reason we went in from "being threatened by an insane guy" to "givin' the gift of freedom to a bunch of oppressed Muslimist heathens." Done deal.
- SAY YOU DO MAKE A MISTAKE - Now this has never happened to me personally, so I'm gonna have to make some stuff up. Here's what I would do, if this ever happened to me, which it won't: First, DENY IT. You never make mistakes. While you're denying it, figure out WHO is saying you made a mistake, and GET THE BASTARD. I mean take him down HARD. Wreck his life, go after his family, whatever. He's sayin' bad and wrong things about you - he's fair game. Next, SEE IF THERE'S ANY EVIDENCE YOU MADE A MISTAKE, and FLUSH IT. If all else fails, find somebody who works for you (doesn't matter who - pick anybody) and say that he/she was responsible.
See how easy that was? I don't know why everybody things being a leader is so dang hard.
3) SAY YOU MAKE A REALLY BIG MISTAKE - Let's say you, uhhhh, do something that upsets a lot of hand-wringing, ivory-tower, never-met-a-payroll elitists in the media. For me, that's the whole Iraq deal. For you, it might be putting out a product that kills people, like that Ford Pinto deal. Here's whatcha do.
FIRST - Go through everything I said above - DENY. GET THE BASTARD. DESTROY THE EVIDENCE. FIND A PATSY.
IF EVERYTHING ELSE FAILS, CHANGE THE DANG SUBJECT! (Refer to #1 "Circle of Infallibility" Above) In your case, Mr. Death Car, you might say that the whole point of making a car that killed people was so that these lucky people could meet Jesus sooner, since you are a very religious person. Killing people then become far from a destructive act - it becomes part of your glorious spiritual mission. Say that Jesus told you to do this. That makes anyone who criticizes your making cars that kill people an anti-God, secular humanist lefty-liberal hate-American-business-first, outside-the-mainstream loser boy (or girl).
YOUR HOLE CARD -- ALWAYS EMPHASIZE THAT GOD IS TALKING TO YOU, AND YOUR JUST DOING WHAT THE BIG GUY WANTS - I can't tell how important this is - and in my case, it's actually true! The amazing thing is that the thing I want to do - invade Iraq, give tax cuts to the rich, cut veterans' benefits, drill for oil in national parks - is always EXACTAMUNDO what God wants to do! Can you beat that? What this means is that anyone who is against what you want to do is a sinner - a tool of Satan. Sinners are evil-doers. Evil-doers must be destroyed. See? What you want to do - WILL OF GOD. Folks who oppose you - EVIL-DOERS WHO MUST BE DESTROYED. Man, it doesn't get simpler than that! That makes running a small company, a big company, or a whole dang country a breeze!
FINALLY - FREQUENT VACATIONS ARE A MUST. You're a leader. Checking your gut all the time is exhausting. If you're not vacationing at least 40% of the time, you're pushing yourself TOO DANG HARD!