Sorry, but when I saw the smoking support diary, I just started to laugh. You see, rather than the dealing with the possibility that my smoking will someday kill me, I have to deal now with the fact that my bipolar disorder and drug addiction can kill me today. I relapsed again, so on Sunday, I enter a MICA unit (Mentally Ill/Chemically Addicted) unit.
Both of my diseases can kill me - together (and they do feed on each other) they will. My advice to the smokers trying to quit is the one I now have to take again - admit you are powerless over cigarettes and get them out of your life. I am entering the MICA unit because I know I can't do this alone, I need help. I need to stabilize on a new regimen of meds, and I have to find a safe place for awhile, and learn again that I am an addict, and that I am powerless over drugs. I need to start over again. The beauty of this is that I can start over again; I am not dead. Everyday you are not dead means you have another chance. I have been clean for the majority of three and a half years, but I have relapsed twice, both for short times. But I need to go back to where I started, and listen and learn again.
I have two diseases that have one evil commonality - they both tell me I am not ill. They do this when I am sickest. I can't see it. I am lucky that there are people in my life who support me, warn me. Deep in my heart, I know they are right. I fought going back briefly, but I know I must go. My only two choices are my life or my death. I am not ready to die. I believe I have something to contribute, still - I see it in the eyes of the people who love me.
Recovery from addiction is not a matter of willpower; if it were, then it would be much simpler. I have a little man in my head that is trying to kill me, and he keeps telling me that I am not an addict, that I don't need to take my meds. His voice is very strong and convincing, sometimes. He's smarter than me; he's very seductinve. That's why I can't do this alone. I need help, both professionally and spiritually.
And so off I go again on another leg of this journey. With my hope (I still have it). And with some prayers (if you have any, I could use them).
It does not take courage to write about this, really. If there is someone else in our community who is trying to make this kind of decision, I hope reading this helps. A life of addiction and untreated illness is so bleak, so sad, that I will go to any lengths to get back to the life I have seen glimpses of. The one where I am drug-free and stable. I know I can have it again; it's just time to go back to the beginning, to surrender, to admit "I can't do this by myself." The hardest part is asking for help. Walking through the doors of the hospital is infinitely easier.
I'll be gone for a couple of weeks. I'll see you all when I get back. I'll miss C&J and DailyKos, but here's the good news - I'll be back. There will be no funerals.