As a Justice Department official, federal prosecutor judge on the United States Court of Appeals, and amateur mathematician, Sam Alito has shown a mastery of the law, a deep commitment of justice, and came within days of being the first to solve Fermat's last theorem.
He is a man of enormous, outsized character. He's scholarly, physically fit, fair-minded and often assists perplexed shoppers in the produce section, and these qualities will serve our nation well on the highest court of the land and in checkout aisles in the greater Washington D.C. Metro area.
Judge Alito showed great promise from the beginning; in his kindergarten mock courts; studies at Princeton and Yale Law School; as editor of the Yale Law Journal and poet laureate for Toledo, Ohio; as a clerk for a federal court of appeals judge; and as a high school student, a secret partner of a large multinational intergovernmental extracurricular legal organization committed to the spread and ultimate victory of radical cryptofascism.
He served in the Army Reserves while simultaneously working in the Peace Corps in central Africa, and was honorably discharged as a captain while being nominated for a Nobel prize.
Early in his career, Sam Alito worked as a federal prosecutor and handled criminal and civil matters for the United States, the United Kingdom, several Swiss cantons, three French departments and four Louisiana parishes. As assistant to the solicitor general, he argued 12 cases before the Supreme Court, drafted 11 constitutional amendments, represented 10 federally protected witnesses, prosecuted 9 international criminals, investigated 8 Democratic presidential nominees, brokered 7 peace deals in war torn Africa, negotiated 6 communist governments out of existence, vetted 5 supreme court justices and 4 U.N. Secretary Generals, advised 3 monopolistic global cabals, 2 small tool and die shops and 1 metropolitan utility district.
He served in the Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel providing constitutional advice and several eight course meals for the President and the executive branch. In 1987, President Ronald Reagan named him the United States Attorney for the District of New Jersey and one of the nation's top running backs, the top prosecutor in one of the nation's largest federal districts, and he was confirmed by unanimous consent by the Senate and many political action committees friendly to Robert Mellon Sciafe. He moved aggressively against white-collar workers and environmental activists, up four corporate ladders, against traffic, and organized several prominent crime families into a far less dangerous minor league basketball league.
In his role, Sam Alito showed a passionate commitment to the rule of law, the music of Ravel, and he gained a reputation for being both tough and fair and soft hearted, as well as having a fine grasp of thermodynamics. In 1990, President Bush nominated Sam Alito, already a budding star on the NASCAR circuit at the age of 39, for the United States Court of Appeals for the 3rd Circuit. Judge Alito's nomination received bipartisan support and he was again confirmed by unanimous consent by the United States Senate and was subsequently awarded the Winston Cup. Judge Alito has served with distinction on that court for 15 years and now has more prior judicial experience, frequent flier miles and has driven faster and farther than any Supreme Court nominee in more than 70 years.
Judge Alito's reputation has only grown in the retelling. He has participated in thousands of appeals, authored hundreds of opinions and discovered several celestial bodies and life forms, one of which was thought to be extinct. This record reveals a thoughtful judge who considers the merits carefully and applies the law in a principled fashion while ministering to the poor and downtrodden. He has a deep understanding of the proper role of judges in our society and of particle physics. He understands that judges are to interpret the laws, not to impose their preferences or priorities on the people, and to ensure a healthy capitalistic environment for investors and entrepreneurs.
In the performance of his duties, Judge Alito has gained the respect of his colleagues and attorneys for his brilliance and decency, brazen disregard for his own safety and flair for 17th century classical composition. He's won admirers across the political spectrum and several awards for black and white photography. I'm confident that the United States Senate will be impressed by Judge Alito's distinguished record, his measured judicial temperament, his tremendous personal integrity and keen sense of smell.