It's either gnaw glass or go on a tirade. I chose the bloodless version.
I'm not quite sure how I ended up on every god-forsaken Republican snail-mail, spam and phone list, but that's neither here nor there. Although these communiqués precipitate much heaving and gnashing-of-teeth, I don't ask to be removed because I'm a masochistic bastard (e.g. "I want to see what the enemy is up to"). Here in California's 50th Congressional district, it's amazing the number of trees that have been felled, the number of new NSA wiretap records that have been created, and the number of Viagra advertisements that have been pushed aside, in the pitiable attempt to thrust Brian Bilbray, like a barbed anal probe, into the body-politic of North County San Diego.
Please note that the focus of this diary is not on Bilbray; it's just that next week's election has prompted a multi-media onslaught from his camp and the NRCC. They have merely prompted my ire. As you can imagine, this is a source of frustration for the reality-based citizens of North County, presaging the national experience come third-quarter 2006. Others have written diaries about what a disingenuous, pathetic, racist assworm Brian Bilbray seems to be, as he plays to his equally pathetic, racist, asswormy base. I won't go further on that topic than to provide the following example of the experiential horror of a Democrat in CA-50 on any given day...usually around dinner time...
...the phone rings...
"Hi, I'm Grandma Thelma, calling to tell you that, unless you vote for my grandson, Brian Bilbray, all hope is lost. You see, even as we speak, hordes of Godless, coffee-colored, crack-dealing, terrorists are planning to gang-rape and impregnate your virgin daughters. But they need Francine Busby to enact their evil plan. Unless you vote for Brian, your impregnated daughters will be, with the cooperation of the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and Hillary Clinton, turned over to the Democrat Party Headquarters, where Francine Busby will personally perform forced abortions on many of them. Those she misses will, after delivering, be forced to turn over their newborn babies to a sex-slave ring orchestrated under your very noses by Busby's pedophiliac, liberal supporters...all funded by your tax dollars, which Busby promises to increase. A vote for Bilbray is a vote for America...you know, the white, straight, Christian one."
These have all been robo-calls thus far, but if I ever get a live person on the phone, I'll just say "derka derka derka, Muhammad jihad fucktard" and hang up.
But on to the real motivation for this diary - an email I received yesterday from Donna Schalansky, Chairperson of the Sacramento County Republican Party.
Donna's spam is sliced neatly into two unrelated, yet equally loathsome parts: the first, a "support the troops" endeavor involving tasty refreshments; the second, a thoroughly disingenuous falating of the Governator's steroid-reduced ding ding. I only have enough Xanax to parse through the first helping of spam, thank you very much. And so it begins...
Friends,
...albeit inaccurate, I give Donna the benefit of the doubt on this (and only this) first line. She probably assumed she was sending her email to someone friendly to her cause. Oh, if she only knew...
Temperatures will soon be skyrocketing in Iraq. Our troops have a difficult enough task at hand without having to endure 100+ degree heat.
This is the official unveiling of the Republican's new
"War on Heat."
...of course, air conditioning would help. But a little known fact, cleverly concealed in books, is that air conditioners run on electricity - which Iraqis have far less of today than they did under Saddam's rule. This is, of course, beside the point, because Donna and her ilk could give less than a hardened butt pebble about the Iraqi citizens, who must endure the very same conditions - chaotic conditions that are still far, far worse than they were over three years ago when we "liberated them" - conditions that our invasion predictably caused, and our planners have yet to strategically address, and yet for which billions of dollars in no bid contracts have been farmed out to Bush Administration cronies, and for which our civilian leaders are directly responsible. (We Californians know a thing or two about electricity. Some of Donna's "friends" may even have grown fat during the Enron days. The rest of us just got screwed. Tangential, I know, but true.)
In a certain sense, we did liberate the Iraqi people...we liberated them from clean water, from viable power grids and basic infrastructure, from reliable hospital care, from a modest education, from relatively egalitarian treatment for women, from the unrealistic expectation that they would see their loved ones again when they leave the security of their homes, from their children, parents, brothers and sisters. You get the picture.
Donna says our troops "have a difficult enough task" without also being hot and sweaty. This begs the question, once again, "What Noble Task?" Donna doesn't speak to that. She doesn't have to. Because her "friends" don't really give a shit, or are too lazy or stupid to care. The reasons for invasion are so yesterday's news. "We're there now...blah blah...cut and run...blah blah..."
The heat in Iraq and Afghanistan was recently described this way: "when bottled water becomes almost undrinkable within 30 or 40 minutes. When Bradley fighting vehicles and Abrams tanks leave imprints in the asphalt and boots start sticking to the roadways. When Humvees coming back from patrols through the city return to their forward operating base speckled with sticky tar from the streets, softened by the sun. When water poured on the sidewalk evaporates within seconds.
This shit sucks on so many levels. At a purely snarky level, if the water is undrinkable within 30 to 40 minutes, can't they drink it before 30 minutes? Just a thought. On a more serious note, most of the water in the public system is undrinkable immediately and always- no 30 to 40 minute "window." We did that. Placed on a continuum, "almost undrinkable" bottled water is still a significant blessing when compared to the sewage-infested sludge for which the Iraqi citizens are seemingly so unappreciative. But again, this email is from Donna, so the Iraqis can fend for themselves.
OK, so let's focus just on American troops then. Is Donna acknowledging that our troops aren't getting the resources they need, even those resources at the absolute bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? Forget body armor, we're not even hydrating our troops? Heckava Job Rummy. "We don't drink the water we'd like; we drink the water we've got." I understand it more clearly now.
I do have to acknowledge the savvy marketing though. A Humvee speckled with sticky tar is likely to create a sense of urgency in many a Republican.
Would you want to help make life a little more enjoyable for our friends and loved ones in Iraq?
...just because it's a war, doesn't mean it shouldn't be enjoyable. How about this.
Bring. Them. Home. Now. I bet that would be enjoyable...for those few veterans who will retain the ability to experience anything approaching "joy" again. And Donna, by the way, drinking water is not about enjoyment, it's about SURVIVAL. You dumb, dumb bitch.
We are proud to join with Move America Forward to support the "Gatorade and Beef Jerky for our Troops" program.
This was when my entrails made their move...Branding is everything...bumper stickers to follow...
As the summer is upon us, we join with all of you in putting our men and women of the U.S. military in our thoughts and prayers. Through their sacrifice, bravery and honor they have helped to rewrite history for all mankind - by helping secure an island of freedom, security and democracy within the confines of the rough and tumble Middle East.
...
"in our thoughts and prayers" as we sip iced tea by the pool, watching Pablo trim the hedges...
..."they have helped rewrite history for all mankind..." No. the Bush Administration and the media are doing this all by themselves.
..."helping secure an island of freedom, security and democracy..." called the Green Zone. On a good day.
..."rough and tumble Middle East" YEEEEE HAAAAW, MOO CHAH CHOZE!!!!
A great way you can show your support for our men and women of the armed forces this summer is by sponsoring a shipment of Gatorade and Beef Jerky to the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.
...another great way you can show your support is to get them the fuck out of there. Or ensure the VA is adequately funded to meet the swelling ranks of the mauled and insane. Or remove them from impossible conditions that lead them to commit atrocities that could have been avoided if we had adequately planned for the post-invasion occupation effort. Or by voting out the chickenhawks that unnecessarily sent them there in the first place. Just some other suggestions for supporting the troops. Donna.
Move America Forward launched this program in partnership with House of Jerky, which strongly supports our troops and the brave missions they are serving in Operation Enduring Freedom (Afghanistan) and Operation Iraqi Freedom (Iraq). With your order, we'll send packages of premium beef jerky and bags of Gatorade to a unit serving in Iraq or Afghanistan. This isn't generic store-brand beef jerky - this is high quality premium beef jerky made from some of the finest beef in the world!
...
House of Jerky? Is that on Pennsylvania Ave by chance?
"...this isn't the generic store-brand beef jerky (that Democrats make out of aborted fetuses) - this is high quality premium beef jerky made from the finest beef in the world"... processed by real wetbacks! WTF....
When you sponsor a package of beef jerky and Gatorade for our troops we will ship a box to a member of the U.S. military serving in the field in Iraq and Afghanistan. Each package of beef jerky and each package of Gatorade have a label that shows WHO sponsored the package, and also a personalized note FROM YOU to the soldier, Marine, sailor, airman or Coast Guardsman receiving it.
Here's my note,
"Dear G.I., so sorry you're hot and hungry and stuff. Eat some jerky and drink some water, you'll feel right as rain in no time. Thanks for the freedom and stuff. Good luck with those hajji towelheads. Later. SK"
Move America Forward assembles all the packages, and ship them through the special arrangement with the U.S. Post Office to ensure our troops receive them in a timely manner.
...by
"special arrangement with the U.S. Post Office" I can only assume someone else is licking the stamps, cause they are having a hard time generating saliva what with all the spitting on the Constitution and kissing of each other's dimpled asses and stuff...
..."in a timely manner" I assume can be translated into "before they are dead."
I hope you'll participate in this program.
...
"cause it would be sweet for the folks at House of Jerky to score a robust profit."
With over 140,000 American troops stationed in Iraq and approximately 15,000-20,000 U.S. Troops stationed in Afghanistan we need A LOT of people to participate in this program.
Gatorade and Jerky? More like Kool-Aid and Cannibalism...this is batshit
insane.