Cheers and Jeers: "Drinks Are On Ned" FRIDAY!

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Stephen Colbert on how to "Be an Expert on Anything:"

Pick a field that can't be verified. Try something like string theory or God's will: "I speak to God. I'm sorry that you can't also." Security experts are in this category: They have security clearances, we don't. We can't question the expertise of the NSA because we are not in the NSA.

Choose a subject that's actually secret. Dan Brown invented a secret subject for The Da Vinci Code, so now he is forever an expert on this secret subject that no one can challenge. Anybody who attacks the secret subject is, by definition, part of the cabal.

Use the word zeitgeist as often as possible. Ideally, you want to find words that sound familiar but people don't really know their definitions: zeitgeist, bildungsroman, doppelgänger---better yet, anything Latin. But avoid paradigm. It's so 1994. If you say the word paradigm, everybody knows you're a poser.

Be sure to use lots of abbreviations and acronyms. Someone who says the words operations security may be educated, but the person who uses the military abbreviation Opsec is clearly an expert. If I use the term Gitmo, that means I've actually been there. If you say, "We're going to Defcon 1," it means you probably have the launch codes. Real experts don't have time for extra syllables.

---From Wired

And before we head downstairs to open up the shop, we wish to say: Thank You, Great Britain. Thank you for keeping America safe so our president doesn't have to:

Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,607
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0

Cheers and Jeers raises the Union Jack in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 11, 2006

Note:  Due to an errant lawn dart, the C&J swimming pool is temporarily closed.  Thanks a lot...Wozzle!

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By the Numbers:
Days `til the Great Falls Balloon festival in Lewiston: 7
Days `til Snakes on a Plane: 7
Days til Liquids on a Plane: 0
Number of drive-in theatres in 1995: Fewer than 500
Number of drive-in theatres today: 658
(Source: TIME)
Percent of IT professionals who say they are "traumatized" by their work: 97%
(Source: Skillsoft survey via Details)
Amount of money grossed from Johnny Depp movies: $1.8 Billion
(Source: Entertainment Weekly)

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Your Puppy Pic of the Day:  Nice day for a white wedding.

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TERROR IN THE SKIES NEWSROOMS!!!

CHEERS to the Vacationer-in-Chief.  The president sends a postcard to reassure the shaky-knees crowd:

Dear `Murica,

Having fun in Crawford.  Wish you were here.  Watch out for terrorist evildoers.  And don't drink the water.  HehHehHeh...

GWB

Everybody feel better now?

JEERS to meeting expectations. There was no terrorist attack yesterday.  The traditional media's response?  "Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!  Run for your lives!!!"  Somebody tell Fred Barnes it's okay to come out of the Fox News supply closet.  On second thought, don't.

JEERS to conservatives without conscience.  They didn't.  Please tell me Republicans didn't exploit yesterday's events for political gain.  Ah, shit, they did...

It comes like a punch to the gut, at times like these, when our leaders blatantly use the nation's trauma for political gain.  We never get used to this.  It never feels like business as usual.

On Wednesday, when the administration already knew that British agents were rounding up suspects in what they believed was a plot to blow up planes en route to the United States, Vice President Dick Cheney had a telephone interview with reporters to discuss the defeat of Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut in a Democratic primary. Mr. Cheney went off on a rather rambling disquisition, but its main point was clear: In rejecting Mr. Lieberman, who supported the war in Iraq, the Democrats were encouraging "the Al Qaeda types." Within the Democratic ranks, the vice president added, "there's a significant body of opinion that wants to go back -- I guess the way I would describe it is sort of the pre-9/11 mind-set, in terms of how we deal with the world we live in."

Punchline: "Assholes."

CHEERS to Randi Rhodes and Hunter.  For pointing out yesterday that the terrorist plot was foiled by British law enforcement, not torture, extraordinary rendition, illegal domestic spying or conventional warfare.  Gee, who got slammed for promoting that idea a couple years ago?  Oh yeah...John Kerry.  And who treated him like a loony traitor for it?  Oh yeah...the knuckledragger wing of the Republican party.  At the risk of sounding like a broken record: Be Safe---Vote For Democrats.

JEERS to No-Land Security (via Boing Boing).  Even if you don't click to see this photo, the caption says it all:

Sir, I'm going to have to take this bottle of water away from you since it might be a liquid explosive, and I'm going to have to mix it with all of these other bottles of possibly liquid explosive, and I'm going to have to dump them all in this trash can... together. Never mind that the plot specifically mentions mixing chemicals and/or nitroglycerin...which explodes if handled too roughly.  I can't fucking believe I'm flying somewhere tomorrow.  I might as well just spread my cheeks now.

Thanks for the warning.  "Hello, Amtrak?"

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[Intermission.  Please tip your server.]

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The rest...

CHEERS to mooning the President.  In the latest AP/Ipsos poll, Bush musters a whopping 33% approval by We The People.  Look at that again:

33

Bare buttocks pointing to the right.  Oh, America...I luvs ya.

CHEERS to the disappearing incumbent magic trick.  Wow---Jerks DeLay, Cunningham, and Lieberman have bit the dust.  Now Congressman Bob Ney from my home state of Ohio says he's out of the running for re-election.  He wants to make sure he has plenty of quality time to spend with his subpoenas.

P.S.  Well color me surprised! A cabal of Republican cronies says Ney's hand-picked successor, Joy Padgett, isn't hobbled by Ohio's "sore loser law" and therefore is eligible to be on the ballot in his place.  Democrats say, "We'll see you in court."  Hang `em high, kids.

CHEERS to compassionate conservatism.  51 years ago tomorrow, on August 12, 1955, that liberal fringe kook President Eisenhower raised the hourly minimum wage from 75¢ to a dollar.  Or, as Republicans today would call it, "a dollar too much."

CHEERS to Smith & Wesson diplomacy.  In 15 states you're not only allowed, but legally encouraged to shoot someone who pisses you off.  Like, say, someone who suggests you've put too many trash bags out by the curb.  If I may say...it's a darn good thing for politicians that they ain't got one o' them "shoot first" laws in Washington, D.C.

JEERS to Googling "Mobility scooters" + "Lazy."  Because what comes up is this sorry story:

The power scooter is an increasingly ubiquitous sight, with an estimated 1.2 million in use nationwide.  But while the $1,000-plus vehicles have been hailed as a boon for the infirm and the elderly, they are now finding a new constituency: able-bodied people who simply don't feel like walking.  In addition to theme parks like Dollywood and Minnesota's giant Mall of America, the scooters are popping up everywhere from Las Vegas casinos to grocery stores.  When scooter demand outstrips supply at Wal-Mart, greeters "evaluate the situation" and make sure that people using the scooters can demonstrate a legitimate need, according to a company spokesman.

May your brakes fail while you're headed downhill towards the briar patch, Thunderthighs.

JEERS to dumb moves.  On August 11, 1984, during a radio voice test, President Reagan joked: "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that would outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." (listen to it here)  The Russians had a good laugh over it...right after they carefully put their missiles back in their silos and sucked down a bottle of vodka (not necessarily in that order).

CHEERS to Mission Accomplished.  Well, kinda sorta.  34 years ago today, the last U.S. combat ground troops left Vietnam.  And returned five minutes later because SOMEONE (coughPrivateWitherspooncough) left the porch light on

JEERS to noise pollution.  ...[Sigh]... Car-theft alarms.  Do you ever call 911 when you hear that ear-splitting WooWooJoopJoopBlatBlatWhooooop?  Neither do we---because we hope someone's actually stealing the thing so we can get back to sleep.

JEERS to the king of the wackos.  Jerry Falwell turns 73 today.  Relive the memories of an American, um, original.  God, if you're listening, you can bring your boy home any time---we feel he's "served" us enough..

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Two Years Ago in C&J: August 11, 2004...

JEERS to snarky choices.  Bush nominates Rep. Porter Goss (R-FL) as new CIA chief.  His contribution to civility re: Valerie Plame investigation: "Somebody sends me a blue dress and some DNA, I'll have an investigation."  Great...he'll fit right in with this administration.

CHEERS to diary flotation devices.  Kos implements Recommended Diary feature, allowing the best and the brightest to stay longer on the surface of the deep blog sea.  But...you will come visit us bottom-feeders from time to time, won't you?

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And just one more...

CHEERS to Analogy Fever!  Joe Lieberman Tuesday night:

"I'm a sports fan so I'm going to use a sports comparison.  As I see it, in this campaign, we've just finished the first half and the Lamont team is ahead."

Jon Stewart Wednesday night:

"Perhaps I could offer my own sports comparison: There was a game and you lost!"

And the Daily Show's Samantha Bee:

"Let me use another analogy: Dating.  Joe, we don't want to go out with you anymore!  Greeeeat, so I'll pick you up Tuesday at 8.

See?  It's not persistence, Jon.  It's called stalking."

Lamont won this week so, as promised, you are hereby authorized to have a COW.  For you newbies, that's Clothing Optional Weekend.

Leave your knickers at the door, Bay-bee!  Floor's open... What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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