THE MAIN EVENT: Bill vs. Ben
Ben Shapiro---the Doogie Howser of right-wing columnists---takes some potshots at the party to which I belong. I feel he is in error. I would like to set the record straight.
In a recent column, after acknowledging that the Republicans are on a sinking ship, Ben Shapiro sets out to "...remind Americans not only why the GOP deserves votes, but why the Democratic Party doesn't." So I'm going to challenge him with nothing more than Google and my little Democratic fingertips. With his superior intellect, he should clean my clock, right? Of course! I fully expect to end up with black-and-blue brain cells that only a stiff rum and Coke can revive. I'm scared---scared I tell ya. If I don't make it out alive, I want you to know one thing: I am your father.
Okay Ben...let's rumble:
DING!! ROUND 1
Ben: The Democratic Party cannot be trusted with national security. This is a party more concerned with health care than terrorism, more concerned with global warming than Al Qaeda.
Fox News Poll, March 2, 2006: Republicans have lost ground on the issue of terrorism, and by a wide margin voters now think it would be better for the country if Democrats win control of Congress in this year's midterm election.
Gallup poll, March 28, 2006: A new Gallup Poll released Tuesday reveals that the issue cited by most Americans as the one they worry about the most is "the availability and affordability of healthcare." A total of 68% said they worried about this a "great deal." Coming in second is the social security system at 51%. Following close behind that were "availability and affordability of energy," drug use, crime and violence---and only then "the possibility of terrorist attacks in the U.S." (at 45%).
Ben: They complain about President Bush's use of wartime powers to order wiretapping on domestic to international phone calls between suspected terrorists, complaining that civil liberties are being violated.
A whole gaggle of Republican leaders and pundits agree with Democrats. Like George Will, who says: "Terrorism is not the only new danger of this era. Another is the administration's argument that because the president is commander in chief, he is the "sole organ for the nation in foreign affairs." That non sequitur is refuted by the Constitution's plain language, which empowers Congress to ratify treaties, declare war, fund and regulate military forces, and make laws "necessary and proper" for the execution of all presidential powers. Those powers do not include deciding that a law---FISA, for example---is somehow exempted from the presidential duty to "take care that the laws be faithfully executed."
Ben: Democrats are more worried that the government will monitor calls between a mother and her daughter backpacking in Europe than that the government will ignore calls between deputies of Osama bin Laden and terrorists like Mohammed Atta.
People For the American Way: No one has argued against monitoring calls from al Qaeda; indeed, FISA allows for such monitoring. The issue is not partisan. Democrats and Republicans, including Senators Chuck Hagel, John McCain, and Lindsey Graham have been troubled by the administration's assertion that the President need not follow the law if he is acting to protect Americans' security.
Ben: Sen. Russ Feingold (D-Wisconsin) attempts to have President Bush censured for protecting the American people.
From Feingold's censure motion: "The President has argued that Congress gave him authority to wiretap Americans on U.S. soil without a warrant when it passed the Authorization for Use of Military Force after September 11, 2001. Mr. President, that is ridiculous. Members of Congress did not pass this resolution to give the President blanket authority to order warrantless wiretaps. We all know that. Anyone in this body who would tell you otherwise either wasn't here at the time or isn't telling the truth. We authorized the President to use military force in Afghanistan, a necessary and justified response to September 11. We did not authorize him to wiretap American citizens on American soil without going through the process that was set up nearly three decades ago precisely to facilitate the domestic surveillance of terrorists - with the approval of a judge. That is why both Republicans and Democrats have questioned this theory."
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DING!! END OF ROUND 1
Feeling woozy. Fuzzy vision. Am I...still standing?? Mickey, sponge me off!!
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DING!! ROUND 2
Ben: Meanwhile, Democrats continue to pander to those who cross the border illegally and block any concerted action to end illegal immigration. Senator Hillary Clinton (D-New York) thanks illegal immigrants protesting in New York and hopes that their protests will bring "out of the shadows the millions and millions of people who are here who make our economy work." Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) speaks similarly at a protest in Washington, D.C. It is no surprise that Democrats were recruiting voters at pro-illegal immigration rallies.
From the Washington Post: "The immigration question---one of the volatile issues in this election year---has split Republicans as no other issue before Congress. Vociferous opponents of illegal immigration are at odds with business interests and their allies, including President Bush, who are keen on establishing new, legal avenues to bolster the labor force."
Democrats cannot be trusted to handle the war in Iraq.
From the latest ABC news/Washington Post poll:
Which political party, the Democrats or the Republicans, do you trust to do a better job handling the situation in Iraq?
Democrats: 49%
Republicans: 42%
Percent who disapprove of the way Bush is handling the situation in Iraq: 62%
Ben: They are too busy claiming that the war has already been lost to notice that American casualties are declining dramatically; they are too impatient for Iraq to become Vietnam to wait for the development of democracy in a part of the world that has never seen democracy before.
For this we turn to The Wall Street Journal: "The last time Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld visited Baghdad, back in December, the top U.S. military commander there gave him an unusual gift. Gen. George Casey passed him a copy of "Learning to Eat Soup with a Knife: Counterinsurgency Lessons from Malaya and Vietnam," written by Lt. Col. John Nagl. Initially published in 2002, the book is brutal in its criticism of the Vietnam-era Army as an organization that failed to learn from its mistakes and tried vainly to fight guerrilla insurgents the same way it fought World War II. [...] Col. Nagl's book is one of a half dozen Vietnam histories -- most of them highly critical of the U.S. military in Vietnam -- that are changing the military's views on how to fight guerrilla wars. [...] The embrace of these Vietnam histories reflects an emerging consensus in the Army that in order to move forward in Iraq, it must better understand the mistakes of Vietnam.
Ben: The Democrats are too busy gleefully pointing at body bags and Abu Ghraib to care that they are undermining the morale of our troops.
According to Washington Monthly: "[H]ere's the problem: There's absolutely no evidence for it. In fact, a series of Pentagon surveys suggests that most troops in Iraq have grown more satisfied with their jobs, not less, even as criticism of the war has grown stronger. Troop morale, it turns out, depends on many factors, the most important being immediate conditions on the ground--how comfortable troops feel at their base, how often they get to call home. Levels of support for the war among elected officials in Washington or the U.S. public at large have little, if anything, to do with it."
Read the whole article, Ben. You might learn something.
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DING!! END OF ROUND 2
Eye swelled shut... Need stitches... Water... No, Red Bull... Got any almonds??
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DING!! ROUND 3
Ben: Democrats cannot be trusted to handle the economy.
From a CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll: Democrats held a strong lead over the GOP, 53-38 percent, when asked which party would better manage the economy.
Ben: Unemployment is down,
A little lesson for Ben from Ted Rall: "According to the Economic Policy Institute, the U.S. economy must generate 150,000 jobs every month in order for the unemployment rate to stay the same. Because the total number of workers rises with population growth, a president who creates fewer than 1.8 million new jobs each year presides over rising unemployment.
"Just to stay even, then, Bush would have had to create 4.65 million jobs between August 2003 and the present. By his own admission, he only has 350,000 net new jobs to show for a workforce of 143.6 million people--a net increase of less than one quarter of one percent. No wonder Bush isn't feeling much love.
"Moreover, some 1.9 million jobs--net jobs--vanished before August 2003, during the first two and a half years of Bush's first term. That wasn't all his fault. He came into power at the start of the dot-com bust. Nevertheless, Bush's tax cuts didn't help. Those lost jobs never came back. The people who lost them are still unemployed, underemployed or have been statistically transformed into "unpersons," the "discouraged job seekers" no one bothers to count."
Ben: the stock market is up,
Oh really? Check out the 5-year performance of the Dow Industrials. Try to contain your enthusiasm.
Ben: home ownership is rising rapidly.
Daniel Gross at Slate begs to differ: "Stocks, the trendy investment of the 1990s, have been replaced by housing. Unlike stocks, homes can be purchased by strapped individuals with borrowed money. Nobody will lend you $500,000 to buy stocks with no money down. But assuming you have a pulse and are willing to pay some interest, there are probably 40 lenders waiting to write you a check for a mortgage on the same terms. But even here, the pace of growth in ownership has slowed from the pace of the 1990s. According to the Census (see Table 4), while the home-ownership rate rose from 64.4 percent in 1992 to 67.5 percent in 2000, it has bumped up only 1.5 percentage points in the last five years, to 69 percent in 2005."
Democrats would reverse all of these trends in order to grow entitlement programs and, by doing so, buy more votes. They would raise taxes dramatically and cut defense spending.
I have nothing to add to this other than to say...prove it, Boy Wonder. And by the way, why aren't you serving in Iraq? The president, whom you so admire, specifically asked you to enlist in his State of the Union Address. But I digress.
Democrats cannot be trusted to tolerate the viewpoints of religious people.
I'll let Pat Robertson rebut Ben all by his holier-than-thou self: "You know it's an amazing thing---this is a Christian country, it's founded by Christians, Christmas is one of our great celebrations. It's been a time of joy for our people for many years, and not only us, but now they're picking up Christmas in Japan, picking it up in China. It's something that has blessed the world. And if people don't like America and the traditions that made America great, let them go to Saudi Arabia, let them go to Pakistan. Yeah, they can go to the Sudan and find a wonderful Muslim holiday!!"
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DING!! END OF ROUND 3
Blaaaaahhh...!!! [Vomits blood in bucket] Bright light! Grandma, is that you?? My hair's all mussed up...fix it, Mickey!
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DING!! ROUND 4
Ben: It is Democrats across the country who seek to legitimize homosexual marriage...
I'll take this one: Gay marriage has been legal in Massachusetts for almost two years. You're a student at Harvard, Benny. That's right in the middle of Sodom (or is it Gomorrah?). Please...give us some examples of how gay marriage has destroyed the Bay State. Because I spent two days there last week and everything looked pretty normal to me.
Ben: ...it is Democrats across the country who seek to keep the legal abomination of Roe v. Wade on the books so that ordinary Americans cannot vote on abortion...
From a March AP/Ipsos poll: "Approximately two-thirds of those surveyed agree with the 1973 Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision---which effectively barred state abortion bans---while one-fourth said it should be overturned."
Ben: ...it is Democrats across the country who want God out of the public schools and courthouses.
Oh really? Only Democrats? I don't think so: Alabama's judicial ethics panel removed Chief Justice Roy Moore from office Thursday for defying a federal judge's order to move a Ten Commandments monument from the state Supreme Court building. The nine-member Court of the Judiciary issued its unanimous decision after a one-day trial Wednesday. The panel, which includes judges, lawyers and non-lawyers, could have reprimanded Moore, continued his suspension or cleared him.
The ethics panel said Moore put himself above the law by "willfully and publicly" flouting the order to remove the 2.6-ton monument from the state judicial building's rotunda in August.
U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson ruled the granite carving was an unconstitutional endorsement of religion. Moore refused to obey the order but was overruled by his eight colleagues on the state Supreme Court. On November 3 [2003], the U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear Moore's appeal of Thompson's ruling."
And then Ben's final punch, in all its knuckledragger glory:
Ben: If Republicans want to win in 2006, they must emphasize this simple message: Judge the Democrats by their friends. They protect terrorists for political expediency; they protect illegal immigrants for political expediency; they protect Islamofascists in Iraq for political expediency; they protect those who do not work at the expense of those who do for political expediency; they protect radical abortion and homosexuality advocates for political expediency. Americans may be unhappy with Republicans, but Republicans must make clear that the alternative is a country run by those who consistently side with enemies of the American people.
Ben, you're a DICK!!!
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DING!! DING!! DING!! THE JUDGE HAS STOPPED THE FIGHT...!
Judge: Because of Bill in Portland Maine's inflammatory language, Ben Shapiro is declared the winn-uh!!
[Cue theme from Rocky]
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5 minutes later in BiPM's dressing room:
I had to call him a dick. Dammit. Me and my mouth.
I'm bruised, battered, bloody and my carpal-tunnel is killing me, but otherwise I feel I have Google'd nobly. I'll live to fight another day. Besides, I know this much: no matter how many stitches I'll need or how many icepacks it'll take to reduce the swelling, I know Ben is much worse off than me. He's still a Republican.
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