I'm just your typical gay Samoan ex-nose guard trying to break into show business.
--Esera Tuaolo
While writing a book, he might have added, working with the NFL and others on diversity issues, and raising twin children with his husband. Lord knows we're all tired of that old story! Below, my brief notes on
Alone in the Trenches: My Life As a Gay Man in the NFL, by Esera Tuaolo, published in March.
First off, what the book is not. It is not a sociological treatise. It is not a kiss and tell. It makes no large claims at all really. It is just the story of a little Samoan boy running barefoot through the banana fields who went on to a nine year career in the NFL. A man who suffered panic attacks at every setback and every triumph, fearing more publicity would expose his secret and end his career and wondering how much better life could be if only he were straight like everyone else.
This is a self portrait of a hero on the gridiron and tv who went home alone at night to his motel room and contemplated suicide.
Tuaolo's coming out is itself old news. Rumors were swirling before he came flying out in late 2002 in articles and interviews in ESPN Magazine (Free and Clear, Nov 11, 2002) and then The Advocate (Cover story, Nov 26, 2002). All this well post-retirement, mind you. Tuaolo expects no active NFL player to come out any time soon.
Apart from vignettes of early life and loving, if very forgiving portraits of his semi-functional family, most of the book is devoted to Tuaolo's football career, first in college and then in the NFL. I know nothing about football, but Tuaolo let me see these players, his colleagues, as real people in a highly competitive and unforgiving field of professional endeavor. Hard enough to navigate if you're straight; Esera had an extra handicap. The title says it all: Alone.
In recounting his rise to professional success, Tuaolo isn't particularly easy on himself. He bluntly describes the excesses of a young man suddenly rich beyond his imaginings, and the pathetic attempts to bed women to throw people off his trail.
(Left, Tuaolo with Bret Favre.)
What is most telling is that looking back, Tuaolo blames no one but himself and sees no enemies but his own fear. And the joy that has come with conquering that leaps off the pages. This is a man who has finally become very much himself.
Tuaolo has been unapologetic about proclaiming what has gotten him through it all. One is his Christian faith, about which he happily testifies to anyone who wants to listen:
Because my God is a God of love, and forgiveness, and understanding -- and I answer only to Him. I mean, there's a New Testament, and Jesus died not just for you but for all of us. How can you judge the speck in my eye when you've got a tree growing out of yours?
Another is his utter devotion to family. The book manages to portray in the best possible light not only his father and mother, but his extended Samoan family. And now, new family to whom he is if anything even more devoted: his husband (how he loves the word!) and children, to whom the book is dedicated.
The last line of the book:
I want my children to live in a better world because of me.
If you have any wingnut friends who could possibly benefit from a look at what real family values mean, they could do worse than to read Esera Tuaolo's book.
Tuaolo's website
Partial listing of upcoming book signings by Tuaolo (right, singing the national anthem in 1998):
Atlanta, GA
May 11, 8 p.m
Outwrite Bookstore & Coffeehouse
991 Piedmont Ave
outwritebooks.com
Coral Gables, FL
May 20, 4 p.m
Books & Books
265 Aragon Ave
booksandbooks.com
Nashville, TN
June 3, 1 p.m
Outloud Books & Gifts
1709 Church St
outloudonline.com
(Tuaolo will be signing books at the Outloud booth during the Nashville Pride Festival)
San Francisco, CA
June 22, 7 p.m
A Different Light
489 Castro St.
adlbooks.com
(photos from eseratuaolo.com, his site promoting the book.)
outsports.com recently reported on one signing in NY and how much it moved the participants: An evening with Esera Tuaolo
At the end of the day, this book had a strange and unexpected effect on me. Reading it I was overcome with compassion, sympathy even, for my straight brothers. So easy to forget that we are not the only victims, the only ones lost and emotionally crippled, psyches deformed by forces we come to understand too late. I am reminded again that their inability to understand my life is reflected in my own failure to understand theirs. Brothers, let us put all this behind us. melvin noticed today that bridges go both ways.
Tuaolo says that reading Dave Kopay's book written some thirty years ago saved his life, and hopes his may help someone as well. It just might. For that reason alone I post this diary. A special request from one who's seen the damage done: buy this book and donate it to your local library, or give it away where it will do the most good.