WASHINGTON -- Heeding the advice of its top economic adviser, the White House announced Tuesday that it was outsourcing itself.
The shipping of executive branch jobs overseas will be effective immediately, former President George W. Bush announced at a press conference in the Cayman Islands. For tax purposes, the federal government will now operate out of a post office box in the tiny Caribbean nation.
"I've taken the words of my friend Gregory Mankiw to heart, and I've decided it would be a plus for the U.S. economy if we shipped our own jobs to Third World countries," Bush said.
"Face it, doing business can be costly here in the U.S.," Bush continued. "Taxpayers will save a lot of money if we move our jobs somewhere without pesky things like environmental laws, minimum wages or labor standards."
Mankiw, chairman of the White House Council of Economic Advisers, prompted the historic shift of the U.S. government during a press conference last week.
"Outsourcing is a growing phenomenon, but it's something that we should realize is probably a plus for the economy in the long run," he said.
Bush, who announced plans to retired to his Texas ranch, also introduced his outsourced replacement, Mexican President Vicente Fox.
"I'm looking forward to serving as chief executive of the Outsourced States of America," Fox told reporters. "I think I'm fully qualified for the job, and I'm willing to work longer hours for less pay than Mr. Bush."
"Besides," he added, "My command of the English language is at least as good as his."
Meanwhile, Fox unveiled the rest of the newly outsourced executive branch. Vice President Dick Cheney's role will be filled by Rosa Ramirez of Tegucigalpa, Honduras. Ramirez currently works 12-hour shifts for 40 cents an hour at a garment factory.
"I'm excited about my new job," Ramirez said through an interpreter. "They tell me I'll make 80 cents an hour now and if one of my children gets sick, I might not be fired if I stay home for a day."
Latin America isn't the only place to which White House jobs have been outsourced. For example, the duties of Press Secretary Scott McClellan will be performed by a trio of Burmese 11-year-olds who will be chained to a podium during their shifts. The children will be paid 7 cents an hour and will face beatings if they stray "off message." The jobs of Mankiw and other economic advisers will be given to tech workers in India.
And Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Colin Powell will be phased out in favor of two slave laborers in a Chinese prison. The pair was chosen because they are political prisoners with knowledge of international policy, sources said.
"The constant threat of torture should motivate Defense Secretary Chen and Secretary of State Liu to do their jobs much more efficiently than Don or Colin ever did," Bush said.