As some of you know, through secret connections in the netherworld I am able to obtain the home phone numbers of different officials.
Earlier, before his indictment, I called Scooter Libby, who revealed he posts on Daily Kos as kamikaze gangbang.
Next I spoke to President Vice President Dick Cheney, who revealed he is aptly named.
Tonight I called Senator Bill Frist.
Frist: ::sob:: Hello? ::sob::
Me: Senator Frist?
Frist: Who is this?
Me: You don't know me, but after seeing you on the TV nearly breaking down I thought you'd need someone to talk to.
Frist: That is so thoughtful of you.
Me: I know it must be tough for you right now, what being under investigation and facing prison time for your insider trading.
Frist: ...
Me: And it must be hard being Senate Majority Leader, but the President and Vice President just treat you as their water boy on Capitol Hill. I mean you're the Senate Majority Leader and you get shown less respect than a door mat. Hell, the White House treated male ho Jeff Gannon with more defererance than they show you.
Frist: ...
Me: But at least you've got the title. They can't take that away from you.
Frist: ...
Me: Although they might as well and they probably will soon since Harry Reid played you -- once again.
Frist: ...
Me: And even though you nearly broke down sobbing on live TV, whining like a sissyboy about that mean old Harry Reid I'm sure your performance will appeal to the crybaby segment of voters in your home state.
Frist: ...
Me: I hope my call helped cheer you up. By the way, I thought you might need some more comforting so I snuck into your house and left a present for you: 200 rabid cats all with bladder control problems. Good night. And sweet dreams.
Frist: NOOOOO!!!