Outrage! On this hallowed day, when we
celebrate our Godly nation’s 230th birthday, our intent was to publish a long and tear-jerking
tribute to the glories of ‘Murrica. Instead, thanks to recent horrifying events, it is our sad duty to inform you all that our nation is, yet again, under attack from its natural enemies: Liberals who
seek to undermine God and His personal spokesman on earth, Dear Leader. How are they accomplishing their evil task? Let us count the ways:
Item the First! The very same US Senate which, one month ago,
failed to defend the
civil rights of heterosexuals from the insidious evil of gay marriage, has
failed us again on another issue of critical importance to the survival of our nation! Yes, last week they
failed to outlaw flag-burning. Sure enough, as soon as the vote failed, all the liberal traitors in our neighborhood were outside,
burning flags on their front lawns in celebration. The smoke created a treasonous smog so thick that we could barely see the hand in front of our face!
Item the Second! The objectively pro-terrorist, Taliban-sympathizing liberals on the Republican-appointed Supreme Court have ruled that Dear Leader cannot lock up terrorism suspects indefinitely without charges or trials! Where will this judicial activism end? Next think you know, they’ll be ruling that Dear Leader can’t use signing statements to ignore any law he feels like ignoring! (Since those liberal traitors in the Senate are already impudently questioning Dear Leader’s minions on this same topic, we know it’s only a matter of time before the Court sticks its nose in as well.)
Like all true patriots, we have always held it to be axiomatic that anyone who attempts to impede upon Dear Leader’s freedom to restrict our freedoms in the defense of freedom is an enemy of America. Therefore, the only solution to this problem is to declare the Supreme Court enemy combatants and lock them away with all deliberate speed!
Item the Third! Our nation’s most powerful internal enemy, those America haters at the New York Times, are at it again. First, they publish certain details of a double-super-secret terrorist tracking program whose existence had been a matter of public record for two years. Then, when patriotic ‘Murricans suggested that the Times editor should be convicted of treason and sent to the gas chamber for his heinous sins, his minions struck back with the viciousness that is the exclusive province of Liberals: the Times Travel Section, in the guise of a seemingly innocuous puff piece on the homes of the rich and famous, cleverly gave their allies in al-Qaeda a roadmap to find and assassinate Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld!
Not surprisingly, the moonbat left-wing blogosphere leaped to the Times’ defense, pointing out details such as the fact that Rummy himself had given permission for the photo of his house to be used, and that the Secret Service did not consider the travel piece a threat to Big Swingin’ Dick. And when American patriots published the Times photographer’s home address and urged fellow lovers of freedom to “hunt them down,” the leftist moonbats quickly ratted out those same patriots to the FBI.
All of which proves only one thing: the Secret Service, Rummy’s public affairs office, and the FBI are also infiltrated with America-hating radicals! Dear Leader preserve us, is no one safe? Since it is now painfully obvious that literally anyone – our dentist, the pizza delivery guy, random strangers on the street – may very well be a secret agent of Islamofascism, we are taking no chances. We will be spending America’s birthday holed up in our apartment, twelve guages worth of Remington shotgun pointed at the front door. If anyone knocks, we will assume they are an Enemy attempting to gain access, and dispatch them with extreme speed and savagery. It’s the only sane solution! God bless 'Murrica!