Been keeping up with the revolution, sisters? No? Thought all that bullshit was over and done with and you didn't have to contribute? Girls!!! Don't tell me you actually thought you could stand on the shoulders of us old broads and it would be enough to keep your mascara dry?
Au contraire, my dears! So sorry! Putting old Susie B. on a coin almost a dozen years back just didn't cut it. You might have to get offa that pretty little ass and punt after all. Huh? Still no ringy-dingy? The Fat Lady's cheese has slipped off its collective cracker? OKaaaay! Let's try this one again. Been watching any MTV lately? Strrrike! All right - we'll try this from another angle. How's about --- listened to your daughter's boyfriend in the last 10 days? Still a wash? Good god - talk about having the native intelligence of a medium-sized eggplant! OK - it seems you have selected curtain number three - blind, deaf
and dumb! Don't take this personally, but you really need to add fish to your diet.
Well listen up, girlfriends. Things, they are a 'changin! In this new climate of fuck her gently, the battle of the sexes was lost without even an exchange of phone numbers. You might say it was remarkable in that nary a Paglia nor a Steinem bothered to even chip a nail. The moment in question came during an interview on
Meet the Press some weeks back. This episode starred neo-conservative `thinker' (believe me, I use that word loosely) and self-styled
Sharia Law expert
Reuel Marc Gerecht, ostensibly there to pontificate on the still much anticipated Iraqi constitution whilst pushing his book, (now in paperback, of course),
The Islamic Paradox. What, exactly, did Mr. Personality have to say? Oh, I was just waiting for you to ask!
Gerecht: "I think it's important to remember that in the year 1900, for example, in the United States ---women did not have the right to vote. If Iraqis could develop a democracy that resembled America in the 1900's, I think we'd all be thrilled. I mean, women's social rights are not critical to the evolution of democracy. We hope they're there. I think they will be there. But I think we need to put this into perspective."
What a guy! Guest host David Gregory's response? You're gonna love this one, children!
"All right. We're going to have to leave it there."
All right? Just what in the blue blazes was all right about that load of crappola? Was Gregory temporarily blinded by Gerecht's cow-like brown eyes? Perhaps it was his new Dolce & Gabbana pubie pants winking out "Wedding Crashers, Wedding Crashers" that elicited such a flaccid response? Wanna know what I think? 'Ol Davy boy didn't hear anything unusual, so why would he bother commenting. Let me repeat that, lest it slip past unnoticed. He didn't hear anything unusual. I mean, it's not as if Gerecht had, oh, I don't know, blamed the current administrations lack of planning for the mass confusion that masquerades as the new and improved Iraqi congress. Nope - it's `Put the Blame on Mame' week. Screw those pesky females anyhow! The Taliban used to rip babies from the arms of screaming women and throw the poor things to starving cats just for shits and giggles. This in payment for refusing to whore for the Afghani version of the 700 Club. So who's to say those wild and crazy Iraqis can't play reindeer games as well?
And I'm not about to let the oh so high and mighty Dems get away with pointing fingers and saying 'nannie, nannie boo boo!' Just what was ol' Clinton doing while Osama and his Taliban Five were tuning up their misogynistic banjos? Getting his roto routered by a girl barely out of high school. Talk about not seeing the forest for the trees! Billy there couldn't see down the hall past his dick! Think I'm exaggerating? Even just a tad? Linking arms with your sisters and chanting 'we shall overcome' while secretly burning cinnamon-scented candles to Coco Chanel for her sweet little suits? Well hang on to your latest copy of Vogue, dahling. Gerecht isn't alone in his perversity. Oh no, ma petit!
Last month a so-called 'respected' BBC newsreader (that's Brit for journalist), named Michael Buerk said, and I'm quoting here,
"Life (these days) is lived in accordance with women's rules" with men relegated to the role of "sperm donors".
Sigh - I'm so bummed! Whatever is the world coming to? Damn those pushy broads, anyhow! There oughta be a law! Preach on, oh Buerk the omnipotent! I hang on every crystalline word! (As if). Ah damn - the son-of-a-bitch was listening!
"Women increasingly set the agenda in business, in politics, in the media, in society at large, (with) women's values now considered superior to men's values".
Quick - break out the DDT! This dastardly situation has led to near disastrous consequences. Hordes of estrogen-crazed lesbians have occupied the United Nations and are demanding better cable! Zoos have been set up, crowded with men forced to do mountainous piles of laundry while their wives and girlfriends point and laugh. George Pal's bride has forsaken him in favor of a gigantic pair of lips! And just why is the world infected with this unholy fever? Women, you see, have now "confused equality with independence". And old Mikey there knows this for a fact because, as he asserts,
"Almost all the big jobs in broadcasting are held by women" who "decide what we see and hear. The result is men are becoming more like women".
All together now - Ahhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Now I get it! It's not a left or right wing biased media. It's the testosterone shortage! That's why the war is almost universally covered in reverential tones. Women just love the sight of rent bodies in the morning! Thank you, oh mighty Carnac! We prostrate ourselves before your wisdom! More! More!!!
"Look at all the changes in the workplace. There is no manufacturing industry any more; there are no mines; few vital jobs require physical strength - products are made for women, cars are made for women - because they control what is being bought."
Oh, no, Mr. Bill! It's a major invasion of 'The L Word'. Bad women - bad! You mean men are sitting at home with their hands over their heads moaning 'woe is me' because it isn't safe to go shopping at Kroger for diapers and formula? I never would have guessed! Oh, those poor, poor creatures! My heart bleeds, really it does! Please - somebody go get those underprivileged bastards a SAM's club membership immediately!
Ah, but wait! I am not yet done. Mr. Buerk has one last parting shot. Once more into the breach, etc,. etc! It quite succinctly sums up his overall view of the sexes, seen through the prism of his vast male experience.
"All they are is (sic) sperm donors, and most women aren't going to want an unemployable sperm donor loafing around and making the house look untidy."
And there you go! All women everywhere see all men as little tadpoles tied neatly up in pink and blue ribbons, just waiting for their opportunity to swim upstream. God, how could I have missed that brutal reality all these years? How could I have not known the man who refused me work because 'aint no woman never gonna be in charge of this here company' was really crying out for my love and understanding? (Cue tears). Inside, he really felt inferior because my breasts were bigger than his balls. Who knew?
So, back to Reuel Marc Gerecht, misogynist extraordinaire. He felt comfortable enough on national TV to relegate Iraqi women to the kind of sweat shops and back-alley lifestyles that so many of our third-world sisters already endure. Man didn't even blink. Well, why the hell not? Who is there to object? Us? Please wait till I get up off the floor, laughing. My dears - there is an increasing number of men and women (Malkin clone, dumb-ass bitches that they are) who don't see these as rights; rather as privileges that once granted can therefore be suspended at will. Think I'm wrong? Think this is a minority opinion, held only by the ill-educated or poorly informed? Then I give you Messrs. Buerk and Gerecht. Top of the food chain, wouldn't you say? Ivy League, old school tie and all that jazz? Think that either 'gentleman' would re-think his position if presented with a copy of my musings? More likely they would advise me to drink my laudanum and shut the hell up. Still think I'm operating without a license? OK - go ask Cindy Sheehan why so many people tell her to just 'go home and take care of her kids'.
I'm just saying -------