(Courtesy of ABCD mews)
An interview has revealed that Senator Bill "the Cat" Frist is blaming Terri Schiavo's husband Michael for his current problems with the blind trust for his stocks. "Goldarnit, Terri's blind trust in her sneaky husband whomightawhackedherwithatireironbytheway just distracted me so, I couldn't follow all the fuzzy math with all my darned shares of Wal-Mart."
In fact, anonymous sources claim Frist has been trying to contact Terri Schiavo via Ouija board, reasoning that if he could correctly diagnose her from some old X-ray, the Ouija board couldn't be any worse. Apparently, though, Frist accidentally channeled several thousand dead people from New Orleans who gave him creative suggestions about what he could do with a toilet plunger.
Other anonymous sources are claiming that a figure looking remarkably like Frist, but wearing a bat-like costume saying "Die Fleder-mouse" on the front, has been stalking Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Halle Berry. Asked about this, Frist mildly said "No" while nibbling a large piece of cheese.