From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Money-saving tips for last-minute U.S. tax filers:
Let's take a look at the standard Form 1040 and see where you should focus your tax-cutting efforts:
Taxpayer name: Here's a tax-saving opportunity few taxpayers take advantage of: Instead of simply writing your name, write your name plus the word "DECEASED." This can save you big money down the road.
Presidential Election Campaign Fund checkoff box: If you check this box, $3 of your taxes will be earmarked for a special fund to pay for presidential campaigns. Notice that the government does not permit you to earmark the money for poor people, or sick people, or national defense. No, the government permits you to earmark money only for the purpose of enabling politicians to produce TV commercials designed to appeal to voters who have the IQ of a Vienna sausage.
Exemptions: In calculating your dependants, you should bear two things in mind: 1. The more dependants you have, the less tax you owe. 2. Nowhere in the U.S. tax code does it explicitly state, in so many words, that these dependants cannot be imaginary, if you are catching my drift.
Of course, there's always the chance that, even if you cheat in a responsible manner, you'll be called in for a tax audit. This is not the "end of the world." Remember that, as a taxpayer, you have certain rights. For example, the auditor cannot use a cattle-prod setting greater than 5,000 volts.
If you're called in for an audit, the important thing is: Don't panic. Gather up all your financial records, consult with your lawyer and your accountant and then, on the appointed day, flee to Uzbekistan.
---From Dave Barry's Money Secrets (2006, Crown)
For your convenience the Coffee/Red Bull/No-Doz courtesy wagon will circulate hourly through the weekend. DECEASED Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 14, 2006
Note: Not many people know this, but the original proposed motto of the United States was Come And Sit On My Face If You Love Me. Thankfully, Ben Franklin was overruled and sent to bed to dry out.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Memorial Day: 45
Average time Americans typically spend making dinner: 30 minutes
Average time spent making dinner in the 1960s: 2½ hours
(Source: New York Times via The Week magazine)
Percent of Americans who don't trust President Bush to do the right thing regarding Iran: 54%
(Source: L.A. Times/Bloomberg poll)
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,491
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "Peeps...why did I have to eat all the Peeps?"
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CHEERS to loyal dissent. We heard about this group, West Point Graduates for Truth, on the Randi Rhodes show yesterday. Every link is worth its weight in gold. In a nutshell:
When we West Point graduates took our commissioning oath of office one past June morning, we swore to protect our nation against all enemies, foreign and domestic. The deceitful connivances of the current administration have resulted in a war catastrophic to our nation's interests: politically, economically, militarily, and morally. We now stand to protect our nation from these deceivers. We will not serve their lies.
"A cadet will not lie, cheat, or steal, or tolerate those who do."
---Cadet Honor Code
Ouch. But I mean that in a good way.
JEERS to painful exit strategies. Today is Good Friday. It's "good" because it marks the occasion when the Romans nailed spikes into a messiah and hoisted him up on a couple of intersecting two-by-fours. We believe historians should re-check their timeline---that sounds an awful lot like Monday to us.
CHEERS to pleasant discussions. Last night on Countdown, Keith Olbermann and MSNBC's David Shuster translated the latest developments in the Scooter Libby case. It would appear that Karl Rove's days are numbered:
David Shuster: This is Karl Rove having to take the witness stand...having to acknowledge publicly for the first time that he leaked to Bob Novak [and] that he leaked to TIME reporter Matthew Cooper. And then you start getting into the problem of, well, for the first time there is his testimony in public, and let's go back to the president saying, `Well, if I ever learn that anybody's leaked they'll be fired.' That's the main political problem for the White House in all of this---Scooter Libby tries to defend himself by pointing the finger at other people. It may not work for Scooter Libby, and at the same time it may cause huge political damage for the White House. [...]
Keith Olbermann: Is this not a political disaster for the White House?
Shuster: It's a political disaster. That's the way this case is going.
Fitzmas...the holiday that just keeps on giving.
JEERS to wacko thespians. 141 years ago today, John Wilkes "Dick" Booth---the Tom "Dick" Cruise of his day---put a derringer ball into Abe Lincoln's skull, snuffing out the life of a great (the greatest?) president. Tuck in your shirt and pay your respects to a man who makes George W. Bush look very, very...did you hear me say VERY...small.
JEERS to getting sick. Or having your house burn down. Or any other potentially money-draining emergency situation you might encounter some day. One year ago, in "the second major change in law to benefit business since Republicans increased their House and Senate majorities in [the 2004] elections," Congress passed the draconian bankruptcy reform bill---302-126. To the 73 Democrats who voted for it(including Maine's Mike Michaud), we wish you anniversary wedgies.
CHEERS to bagging a Bush. Not to be a nibbynose, Mr. President, but it's really not a good idea to piss off the folks at Field and Stream, especially since they're experts with large hooks and sharp knives. But, of course...piss them off you did:
Rod and gun in hand, and backing the Second Amendment right to own firearms, President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have won the hearts of America's sportsmen. Yet the two men have failed to protect outdoor sports on the nation's public lands. With deep ties to the oil and gas industry, Bush and Cheney have unleashed a national energy plan that has begun to destroy hunting and fishing on millions of federal acres throughout the West, setting back effective wildlife management for decades to come.
On the bright side, a new endangered species may emerge from this debacle: Republicans in power.
CHEERS to the tube on the `puter. Have you visited PoliticsTV lately? After weeks of procrastinating, we headed over and watched some of the segments by John Aravosis and others. It's raw, ragged and real. One small suggestion: more Whose Line Is It Anyway? clips, please.
JEERS to messing with tradition. The annual White House Easter Egg Roll will take place on the White House lawn Monday. Children---including a gaggle with gay parents---will be forced to sign a loyalty oath and be recruited for the National Guard by Don Rumsfeld in a rabbit suit. And whoever finds the coveted golden egg wins an extra-valuable prize: a free tank of gas.
CHEERS to rattling the rafters. If you're in Portland (Maine, silly) next Tuesday, stop by City Hall at 7pm for a town hall forum with Rep. Tom Allen. "We'll debunk the myths the administration uses to defend its illegal spying." Bring snacks and a pillow...this could take awhile.
P.S. Allen pens an editorial in today's Portland Press Herald on the reason why this congress is even Do-Nothing'er than the original 1948 Do-Nothing congress. Your tax dollars hard at Zzzzzzzzz.....
CHEERS to conservatives without conscience. No, really...that's the name of John Dean's next book, due July 11: Conservatives Without Conscience. The funny part is, Bush has become so irrelevant that he's not one of the seven ugly Republican mugs on the cover. I'm sure Scott McClellan will whine about that at a future press gaggle.
JEERS to sicko traditions. From an Easter trivia web site: "In medieval times a festival of egg throwing was held in church, during which the priest would throw a hard-boiled egg to one of the choirboys. It was then tossed from one choirboy to the next and whoever held the egg when the clock struck 12 was the winner and retained the egg." What they don't tell you: The choirboy also "won" an hour of Find The Easter Eggs in Father Flannigan's Pants. Run, kid, run!
JEERS to the Ship of Dreams Glug glug glug. 94 years ago tomorrow, the HMS Titanic sank after hitting a massive ice cube (and to think...not a bottle of Bacardi in sight). Please join me in a chorus of `My Heart Will Go On':
Near!! Far!! Whereevv...
Okay, that's enough. Yeesh.
CHEERS to killing 83 minutes. Scary Movie 4 opens today. I'll be glad to plunk down my $85 (to avoid the expensive evening shows, we only attend matinees) to see this:
The scariest moment in Scary Movie 4 involves Leslie Nielsen, playing his patented bumbling President Harris: While the U.S. is under attack, this yutz sits in a chair at an elementary school, raptly listening to a kid read a book about a pet animal.
Because that could never happen in real life.
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One Year Ago in C&J: April 14, 2005:
JEERS to stiffing the troops. Democrats wanted to add $2 billion to an $80 billion emergency supplemental wartime appropriations bill. The intended recipient: cash-strapped VA hospitals dealing with an influx of Iraq war veterans with horrific injuries. The money was voted down by every Republican senator except Arlen Specter. But thank god the bill still contains money for the new Washington D.C. baseball stadium. Ahhh...GOP priorities.
CHEERS to fuming fundies. They'll be all atwitter over this little bit of history in the making: The Connecticut House has passed the nation's first civil unions bill for gays and lesbians that didn't originate with a court order. So who will they blame now that they can't pin it on `activist judges?' Let's see: Satan, America-hating liberals, SpongeBob, the water...
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And just one more...
CHEERS to beautiful music. We were going to write a lengthy essay analyzing the contrasting composition styles of Chopin vs. Beethoven. Then we started drinking heavily and settled on something easier: Toot Tone. Order now...operators are standing by.
All you liberals have a Happy Easter---it'll drive Bill O'Reilly nuts. Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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