Landover, MD -- Punting until Monday key legislation such as the Immigration Bill, Congress, for the first time since the 1990 theatrical release of Dances With Wolves, called in sick then snuck off to watch the premiere of The DaVinci Code. The legislative branch could plainly be seen waiting in line to buy tickets at the 113 screen General Cinema's Super Metroplex Cinema Compound at Maryland's Landover Mall.
House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) called in sick to President Bush an hour before the House was to assemble this morning. On hearing the speaker's fake cough, the President cautioned Mr. Hastert to take more vitamin C and to tape a few pages of the Bible around his throat. A similar call was made to Vice President Dick Cheney's office by Senate party leaders Bill Frist (R-TN) and Harry Reid (D-NV).
The blockbuster movie, based on the controversial bestseller by Dan Brown, opened today to great fanfare and relentless hype. Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), a devout Catholic, said as he bought tickets for himself and Pat Roberts, "Before I lambaste this movie tomorrow, I believe it's incumbent on me as a lawmaker to first do the requisite research." Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), concurred.
"It's shocking, shocking, I tell you, that such heathen filth should be turned into entertainment and we legislators ought to stay on top of this. If we don't, why, next thing you know, Tom Hanks is going to be making movies about man/dog relationships." When informed that Tom Hanks already had, with 1989's Turner and Hooch, Santorum cried out, "Dear God, we're too late! To the theater!"
In a bold, cost-cutting move, the Senate's Democrats voted 44-1 to buy just two Mega tubs of popcorn, which was more than enough to feed the nearly four dozen senators. Since the voting record wasn't immediately made available, it wasn't clear who'd cast the lone dissenting vote but as he was loitering near the video arcade, Joe Lieberman (D-No, Really) was overheard grumbling, "Is kosher popcorn too much to ask for? Hey, Dodd, no Good-n-Plenties this time! They get stuck in my teeth!"
Once inside, it was eventually evident to all that the 530 seat theater wasn't large enough to accommodate the entire federal legislative branch and Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) was made to sit in the balcony with Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI). "Hey, it's an improvement on the basement," Conyers quipped.
Political pundits, with a figurative wink and a nod, applauded the House and Senate for letting their hair down by stretching a weekend to three days to take in a long-awaited blockbuster. Matt Drudge of The Drudge Report noted that when an usher told Cynthia McKinney (D-GA) to keep her voice down, the Georgia Congresswoman threw a handful of popcorn in his face and said, "I know you don't want none of this, mo' fo'. You know who I am?!"
The lightheartedness of Congress lasted until the end of the movie when one lawmaker in particular took a cue from the popular cult show Mystery Science Theater 3000. John Aravosis of AmericaBlog learned from a commentor that, as the Holy Grail was discovered at the end of the movie, a female voice believed to be House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's called out, "Hey, how'd that wind up in Duke Cunningham's basement?"
All told, between the price of admission and the concessions, the Congressional hooky cost the American taxpayer over $34,000.