Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

"Respect the Caucus!"

CHEERS to the biggest winner.  Last night was a major test for an African-American who was unproven on the national stage of American politics.  Many dismissed the campaign as a fool's errand.  Others crowed about the unstoppable Clinton juggernaut.  But in the end, the voters spoke loud and clear: "You're goddam right Oprah matters!!"  The skinny guy with the funny name did okay, too.

JEERS to our not-so-noble opposition.  The self-described America-lovin', troop-supportin', flag-wavin', tax-cuttin', chest-thumpin', blastocyst-preservin' party showed up in half the numbers as our team last night.  Which I guess now makes 'em the cold-fearin', La-Z-Boy lovin', Teevee watchin', democracy-shunnin', duty-shirkin' party.  They must be proud.

JEERS to comedy denied (hat tip to jnhobbs for the linky).  Dammit, Fox!  You missed a golden opportunity for big laughs last night by not allowing Bill O'Reilly to play in the sandbox with Brit Hume and his Droopy Eyed All Stars.  Think about that: they sent their highest-rated news guy home because putting a live microphone in his hand to cover the news would risk making the network look silly.  As if that horse hadn't left the barn ten years ago.

CHEERS to a match made in hell.  The Republican establishment wined and dined the evangelical fundamentalists, then climbed into bed and made sweet, sweet love (with the lights off while thinking about Jessica Simpson) for 25 years.  Last night the God Squad announced---via Huckabee's win---that they were pregnant with GOP power.  That's gonna be one ugly kid.  And one horrified daddy.

Cheers and Jeers---with more throbbing Iowa coverage---continues in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 4, 2008

Note:  No matter how hard I try to teach her, I think our cat will go through life not having learned---I mean really applied herself and learned---a damn thing about biofuels.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Bush and Cheney leave office: 381
Days 'til Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: 17
Percent of pet dog and cat owners who let their pet sleep in bed with them: 69%
Percent who buy their pet birthday presents: 37%
(Source: Harris poll via The Week)
Chance an American under 65 went without health insurance at some point during the past two years: 1-in-3
(Source: Harper's Index)
Average temperature in the United States yesterday: 1 degree

And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,124
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  "Yer okay, kid.  Gimme paw."

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More Iowa

CHEERS to the runners-up.  Senators Chris Dodd and Joe Biden bowed out of the race last night, but not before spending several months contributing to the lefty pre-caucus conversation.  (Biden's slam of Giuliani's verbal shtick---"A noun, a verb and 9/11"---is still the best line of the campaign season.)  The good news is that Dodd will now focus his time on defeating any FISA bill with retroactive immunity for those poor, defenseless telecommunications giants who have been feeding unfiltered data from millions of American citizens directly into the USB between Cheney's butt cheeks.  A dirty job, and thank god he's doing it.

JEERS to the painful media metaphors.  "David versus Goliath."  "A tremor that could become an earthquake."  "The volcanic eruption felt around the world."  "Peas fighting in a frigid pod."  "Leading a horse to water and watching him kick your trough over."  "The schoolyard bully who gets a bloody nose by the nerd."  "Kittens playing with a ball of yarn in a microwave oven."  Memo to Russert, Matthews and the other talking heads: you sound like "nails on a chalkboard."

CHEERS and JEERS to the bottom line.  All this hoo-ha was a combination of staged media events, wild speculation, the framing of a perfectly lovely state as a bunch of backwoods yokels sitting in greasy diners watching their beards grow, and results based on a whopping ten percent of voters picking the Democrat and five percent choosing the Republican.  But it all went smoothly and peaceably and now Americans are actually paying attention.  Well, at least until American Idol starts back up.

The rest

CHEERS to fresh-squeezed orange juice.  Because Mother Nature wasn't the cold-hearted rhymes-with-witch she was predicted to be, the citrus crops in Florida weathered the cold snap okay.  But plunging C&J's vacation spot, Key West, into the mid-40s was just cruel.  I hear there are Duval crawl'ers whose tongues are still stuck to the sidewalk.

JEERS to Collins as usual.  There are two take-away messages from today's article in the Portland Press Herald about Senator Susan Collins' visit to Maine with Iraq Reconstruction Inspector General Poobah Stuart Bowen.  First, she still says George Bush's tragic invasion is going awesomely!  And second: she's a lying sack of you-know-what:

Bowen said that even though security has improved throughout Iraq, he could not leave Baghdad's Green Zone, home of the U.S. Embassy and top military brass, without three cars and six sharpshooters.  If he went to visit a reconstruction project, he was not allowed to stay for more than 20 minutes.

Yes, security has "improved" enough that you can stay for 20 minutes before you either get shot at by the insurgents or shit on by the light fixtures.  A splendid little adventure.

P.S. Australia's making final preparations to leave Iraq.  Don’t forget your toothbrushes, mates.

CHEERS to cellular slowpokes.  Some people are reacting to the news that cell phone users slow down traffic by 2 mph with disdain.  Speaking as a frequent pedestrian who has kissed a few bumpers, I say: keep yakking!

JEERS to idle hands.  Oh, here's another thing President Bush will be remembered for: a sucky record on jobs.  The latest "unambiguously negative" numbers: only 18,000 jobs created in December and an increase in the unemployment rate.  Not that this'll help much, but this crisp five-dollar bill is yours if you'll come over and shovel the sidewalk.

CHEERS to coming in 45th place out of 50.  Happy 112th Birthday to Utah--- also known as the "Beehive Hairdo State"---which entered the union on January 4th, 1896.   Here's a fun fact that'll dazzle your friends: horses were invented in Utah.  Really!  I have iron-clad proof right here.  I love it when history comes alive.

CHEERS to voices of reason.  A big gold star to each and every one:

A coalition of 17 organizations, including the National Academy of Sciences, the American Institute of Physics, and the National Science Teachers Association, is calling on the scientific community to become more involved in the promotion of science education, including evolution. According to an article appearing in the January 2008 issue of The FASEB Journal, the introduction of "non-science," such as creationism and intelligent design, into science education will undermine the fundamentals of science education. Some of these fundamentals include using the scientific method, understanding how to reach scientific consensus, and distinguishing between scientific and nonscientific explanations of natural phenomena. ...

"The bottom line is that the world is round, humans evolved from an extinct species, and Elvis is dead," [FASEB Editor-in-Chief Gerald] Weissmann added. "This survey is a wake-up call for anyone who supports teaching information based on evidence rather than speculation or hope; people want to hear the truth, and they want to hear it from scientists."

Damn straight.  This is certainly good news for the reality-based community.  (And for now we'll overlook their little Elvis gaffe.)

JEERS to the Long, Cold, Dark Road Ahead.  The next federal holiday when most Americans actually get the day off from work is Memorial Day.  That's 143 days away.  If there's anything else I can do to make your day a bed of roses, just let me know.  [Twitch Twitch]
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Two Years Ago in C&J:  January 3, 2006...

CHEERS to saying "Yes."  Soon-to-be Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has agreed to join us at the June YearlyKos convention in Las Vegas.  That's just off-the-charts coolness.  But if he snores, I'm still calling the front desk.

CHEERS to cooperating fully.  It's easier to do when you've got a 30-year prison sentence hanging over your head, but whatever.  Jack Abramoff has been cozying up to investigators for the past year, dropping dirt on his former clients in Congress.  Yesterday he officially pleaded guilty, so now---as Pat Buchanan said this morning on Imus---he's ready to "blow up the outhouse at the church picnic."  And everyone in America has a front-row seat.  Too early to do the wave??

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And just one more...

CHEERS to picking on someone not your own size (via Jesus' General).  Have you ever driven by a bunch of five year-olds and said to yourself, "I could kick their asses."  Well, now there's an easy and convenient test you can take to determine just how many of the little fuckers you could lay out flat.  It's all very scientific:

Results are based on physical prowess, training, swarm-combating experience, and the flexibility of your moral compass. Here are the ground rules:

•  You are in an enclosed area roughly the size of a basketball court
•  There are no weapons or foreign objects
•  Everyone is wearing a cup (so no kicks to the groin)
•  The children are merciless and will show no fear
•  If a child is knocked unconscious, he is "out." The same goes for you.

Apparently I'm able to take 19 of 'em down at once.  You might manage a couple dozen.  Coincidentally, to determine the number of chickenhawk Republicans you could flatten, take your score and double it.  You big bully.

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Enjoy the first weekend of 2008.  Anyone wanna hop in the car and visit Iowa?  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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