They haven't done it yet, but the Chicago Tribune haven't failed to endorse a Republican for President in many a decade. So, I think I might save them the work, and submit this for their inevitable endorsement:
This election is about big issues, and no issue is bigger than war. But even so, war has little weight on our deliberations. This election, we are endorsing Bush for re-election. We don't feel that he deserves your vote, but if you read on, you will understand why we made this decision.
More in the Extended Entry section....
George Bush is a bumbling, obnoxious, arrogant twit who should have never won his first term as Governor of Texas, let alone given the reigns of power as President of the United States. His life is one of avoiding responsibility, abusing alcohol and drugs, and living off of the privaleges that came with growing up in a wealthy and powerful family. His record prior to his election as President is abysmal, from his failure to live up to his responsibilities in the National Guard, to his sub-par performance at Harvard Business School, to his many business failures, to his ineffective leadership as Governor of Texas, a position with less power and responsibility than that of Illinois' Secretary of State. As President, he managed to break every promise that he possibly could, from raiding Social Security to restricting abortion rights and letting the Assault Weapons Ban die, and he managed to take an economy that was doing quite well and turn it into a fiasco. If asked whether we are better off now than we were four years ago, the answer must be a resounding
no.
However, the true test of Bush's leadership came on 9/11. When two airplanes smashed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center, that incompitent moron sat there in a classroom for seven minutes, probably soiling his shorts. Since then it's been one blunder after another: first idiotic half-measures that made a lot of people very busy with no measurable effect on our safety, followed by a pathological campaign to keep us frightened out of our wits, followed by a campaign in Afghanistan that was snatched from the jaws of success in time for yet another blunder, a campaign in Iraq with no post-game plans. And finally, we come to the reconstruction of Iraq, a complete and utter fiasco salted liberally with corruption, greed, dishonesty and failure. As a result, every day in the papers we hear about the violence and horror that has become everyday life in a once relatively quiet nation. Who would think that George Bush could make Saddam Hussein look so good?
We believe that Richard Gephardt said it best: George Bush is a Miserable Failure. His administration is one of bad choices, wrong priorities, excuses and outright lies. This is not only a result of his shortcomings as a human being, but also of a culture in his administration that rewards loyalty and punishes compitence.
As for his opponent, John Kerry is a war hero, a prosecutor, a man with a record of leadership in the Senate. His politics are those of Illinois: progressive and forceful. He would make a fantastic President.
However, we're going to endorse Bush anyway.
Why? So that we'll get the deregulation for which we paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign contributions.
Don't like it? Don't bitch, or we'll trade Sosa, Wood and Prior to the Tigers for a fourth-round draft pick.
Go ahead. Try us.