I have done much thinking lately about the labels we put on people, such as "gay," "lesbian," "straight," "bi," etc... What do these really mean? What advantage do we have in labeling ourselves in this way? OK, so, I am a woman and I have never been in a romantic/sexual relationship with another woman, so does that mean I am automatically straight and will be for the rest of my days?
What if, tomorrow, I met an amazing woman with whom I end up developing an intense emotional connection, which, in turn, leads to something romantic/sexual? Or the other way around--what if I develop a sexual attraction to another woman and end up in an emotional/romantic relationship with her as a result? Or what if there is never any sex or romance in the traditional sense of the word and we just have something really intensely emotional? Does that make me a lesbian? Or bisexual, since my past relationships have been with men only? What if the next person I fall in love with happens to be a man, does that mean I will always be straight? I was married once, but am not any more. What if I never find happiness with another person for the rest of my life? What if I just date, or live with people for a couple of years and then move on? Am I a serial monogamist, then? Or what if I live in a commune with twelve other people and we all have sex with each other? Am I a swinger? Or a slut? Am I someone who is afraid of commitment? A crazy cat lady? What am I?
Relationships to me seem to be about an intense emotional and sexual (literally and metaphorically!) connection. The gender of the person seems to matter less and less to me as I get older and meet more interesting people and understand myself better, I suppose. But underlying this is always the urge to have a label. If I call myself straight, then I am automatically part of a group of people who have the same sexual preference as me and I am part of a "majority." There is, admittedly, some comfort in that. If I am a lesbian, than there is an even more appealing label, since GLBT people have been, and continue to be, oppressed in the world and many have banded together emotionally for support. It is quite appealing to be accepted into a group of people who think that "you're one of us," and will love you for who you are and welcome you with open arms. At this point, I'd rather be gay, to be quite honest. But, if I "marketed" myself as bisexual, even though I have never been in a relationship with another woman, I close myself off to possibilities, namely, men who identify themselves as "straight," and want a "straight" partner. But this is so limiting to me. It's just like saying: I only want to date white men, between the ages of 35 and 40 who make over $35,000 a year and like football, blah, blah, blah... Bo-ring! Why should I limit myself like that, when it would be desirable to be in a be a healthy relationship with anyone--black, white, green, purple, rich, poor, young, old, male, female.... And what if I decide I don't want to be in another relationship at all? Does that make me a dried-up old cow?
So why does sexual preference matter so much? Sure, I can see how it matters to someone you might potentially have sex with, but then again, why? If there is a connection and potential for a healthy relationship (assuming one WANTS to be in a relationship), why does it matter? OK, the having babies thing might get more complicated if you are talking two men or two women, or even two men and one woman or two women and one man, etc... (use your imaginations, here!) When one woman and one man are trying to make a baby together, it's more of a no-brainer, but oftentimes, no less work than for other couples. Some hetero couples try very hard to get pregnant and pay a lot of money for same, with no result. Many hetero couples adopt. Why is it more acceptable or natural for a hetero couple to pay lots of money to a fertility specialist or for in-vitro or for adoption than it is for a same-sex couple? So, basically, anything is possible if you want to have babies. Strike that reason. Other reasons? The other person might get skeeved out (or turned on!) knowing that one has had relations with someone of the same sex. OK, here is an opportunity to educate and open someone else's mind. Help him/her get over it! What other reasons are there? I really can't think of any others that can't obviously be refuted.
So why the hell does sexual orientation matter? Why are legislators trying to pass fucking amendments to the constitution against same-sex marriage and why are some corporations fighting tooth and nail to deny benefits to same-sex partners? I think we all know the answer to this question, as it has been discussed many times before here, but it just goes to show how silly these labels are. I hope that from now on, if anyone asks me what my sexual preference is, that they have a half hour or so to kill. Because it will take that long to explain. No more just blurting out "straight," because my relationship history happens to be characterized as heterosexual. It's way more complicated than that. Is heterosexuality really the majority? Are there lots of people out there who don't have a one-word label for their sexuality? So, is this an editorial? A statement? A rant? Nope--no labels allowed. It is what it is, I guess. Peace.