A while back during a media conjunction of unusual Hollywood celebrities' baby names, there was a diary here on Kos where the usual back and forth occurred. I have to admit I come down firmly in the "go ahead and use unusual names" camp. To wit, I cringe every time I hear someone say "boy I bet he'll catch a load of crap in school."
Because it's an utter, complete, and total falsehood. A communal delusion. A myth. A canard.
I'm living proof that the opposite, in fact, is much more likely. You see, I caught a load of crap in school for a name that is anything but unusual. Read on to hear my sordid tale of how normal names cause our children a lot of grief, and how it is, yes, still the Hollywood celebrities that are to blame.
The short of it is: "The Breakfast Club" ruined my life. Or at least it ruined a good number of my younger years, and probably has left me carrying a lingering psychological issue or three.
Not that I dislike the movie -- it's a literary classic, as far as movies can be considered such; a generationally defining film that hasn't been topped since. (Though "Clerks" and "Chasing Amy," shamefully, come close to it for the generation after me.)
The last thing, though, that any scholarly, sheltered, borderline geek needs during the last half of his primary education, however, is to find themselves sharing a namesake with a nerdy Brat Pack character in a movie everyone without exception had seen -- except of course for scholarly, sheltered, borderline geeks. It was, in fact, enough to keep me mostly ostracised for the remainder of my primary education.
Which is why, when I finally got to see the movie, sometime in college, so much of the material seemed familiar. I didn't realize this at first because I had healthily suppressed the memories -- to this day I really do not remember much of high school at all, and haven't since my Freshman year of college.
After a few more exposures, however, it started to filter through the ego force field. Now I knew where all the "Geeee, Dad! Thanks, Dad!" stuff came from. Now I knew why people thought grades were the most important thing in my life and would try to get me stoked up if I got something lower than an A.
Now I knew why the subjects of marijuana and my crotch seemed to be inextricably linked. Now I know why everyone seemed so morbidly interested as to whether I was a virgin. Like I said -- lingering psychological issues.
Not that some of that batch of examples doesn't happen to those who do not have a link to a Brat Pack movie character -- I'm sure the virginity thing happens regardless. Just in my case it was amplified, magnified, and stuck to me like a stray piece of toilet paper.
Enough about me though. I suppose it could have been worse. Let's talk about your kids. Normally people who favor unusual names mount a lame defense about identity theft and a sense of individuality. This is not that, as you've seen, so please do ask yourselves:
Say your kid turns out pale and lanky and is named Mike. Do you want him to be the target of all the child molestation jokes?
What if you name your daughter Kelly and she goes Goth? Do you want to be the local Osborne family surrogate?
Or what if she's well endowed and named Pamela -- what are you going to say when she asks who Tommy Lee is supposed to be to her?
Need I even speculate about chubby kids named Barney?
Say you moved and your kid has a Texas drawl in an area where it's not common, and happens to be named George... should he carry the shrub stigma? (Yes I saved the most horrifying for last.)
The truth is that choosing a "normal" name drastically increases the odds that your child will bear some resemblance to a less-than-flattering fictional character or real-world public figure. Adolescents are cruel, and they are just looking for any such opportunity to give that cruelty an edge.
So the next time you hear of an unusual baby name, please, please -- catch that knee before it jerks and hold your tongue. Just like jokes about prison rape that bullet needs to be taken out of the clip of the culturally preloaded quip gun. (The former because it's just not true, the latter, because it's no joking matter.)
And parents -- while you may have reservations about naming your babies stuff like "Moon Unit" and "Fantastic," please try to be just a bit more original... there are a wealth of names to choose from with rich cultural heritage, all with low odds of a socially maiming celebrity/movie character collision.
Finally, rather than criticising them, be greatful for a change that hip-hop artists (and for that matter, Carrot-top) mostly seem to have stage names that pose little risk to our nation's young egos. Given the propensity of descendents to follow in their parents footsteps -- maybe all those Hollywood "freaks" are actually doing our future generations a big favor. Think instead: "Good, now if it just happens that rockstar X's daughter gets famous for shoplifting a dildo in a decade and a half, no poor high-schooler will have to carry that burden."