Cheers and Jeers: Thursday

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Strike's officially over. The late night snark returns to C&J:

"This is exciting news. Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of George W. Bush's presidential library.  This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. In fact, I understand right now they're building a shelf for the book."
---Jay Leno
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"Yesterday, Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up."
---Conan O'Brien
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"[Fidel Castro's] retirement will not change the relationship Cuba has with the United States. Cubans will still not legally be allowed to enter the United States unless they have an overpowering fastball."
---David Letterman
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"The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it's known among lobbyists, lobbying."
---Amy Poehler

"They say this woman works for the telecommunications lobby. Apparently, she called McCain out of the blue and asked, "Are you happy with your current sex provider?"
---Leno
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"It was a tough day for America. From 5:30 to 8:30 tonight, every Starbucks was closed. It was terrible. For three full hours, people everywhere were forced to pay a reasonable amount for coffee. Fortunately, President Bush gave FEMA the go-ahead to tap into the nation’s mochaccino reserve."
---Jimmy Kimmel

Florida, I'm comin' down there today to wrastle yer gators (IF ya know what I mean). Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 28, 2008

Note: Later today we're boarding a "lighter-than air contraption" for a flight to Key West, after which your worst nightmare will come true: the mighty C&J Wurlitzer will cease to play, and the monkey in Maine will stop dancing.  After our return (but not before our full body-cavity search), we shall resume posting on Thursday March 13th.  Markos will temporarily be in charge of DailyKos while we're gone.  If you absolutely need me, just call the front desk and tell 'em you want to speak with "Hercules."

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Democratic National Convention in Denver Aug. 25-28: 179
Days 'til the Netroots Nation convention in Austin July 17-20: 140
Amount the USDA is offering in signing bonuses to meat inspectors willing to relocate to one of 15 states: $2,500
Current vacancy rate among USDA beef inspector ranks: 10%
(Source: USA Today)
Maximum compensation for someone in Wisconsin who is wrongly imprisoned for any length of time: $5,000
(Source: The Week)
Estimated cost of launching the missile used to shoot down that U.S. spy satellite: $60 million
Number of industry experts and scientists working since January to modify the Aegis missile-defense system so it could shoot down the satellite in low orbit: 200
(Source: TIME)

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Nincompoopery has never been a bar to high office in our nation.  Newt Gingrich's sole claim to serious consideration is that he's great copy.  He has no ideas, no principles, no integrity, and by and large, he's a damn fool.

On the other hand, what he does have is enthusiasm.  Gingrich is just as positively negative as he is positively positive.  He's not a lukewarm guy at all, much less one with any judgment.  Enthusiasm is an endearing trait. ...

In addition to being an enthusiast, Gingrich is brazen.  Isn’t that a lovely old-fashioned word?  Shameless.  Without a scruple.  Possessed of brass-faced gall.  A man for whom the word hypocrisy has no meaning.

---From Who Let the Dogs In?

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  "I think the leak's over here."  "No, I think it's here."  "You're all full 'o crap, It's over here..."

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Just one big cheer today:

CHEERS to coming out of the closet.  Since I'm going to miss all the fun during what will undoubtedly be a historic week ahead, let me officially weigh in on the Democratic race.

I've followed a few presidential primary campaigns in my life.  I remember Carter, Mondale, Dukakis, Clinton and Kerry as well as their opponents.  I've been inspired by exactly two.  Howard Dean woke Democrats up from the weird hypnotic spell the Republicans had cast over our party in the wake of 9/11, and he promoted the idea that America is comprised of 50 states that deserve our attention, not just a handful of "swing states" that will theoretically vote for us if we throw enough money in the pot for TV ads.  The other candidate is Barack Obama.  He's got "It."  I don’t even know what "It" is, really---call it an almost unbelievable combination of charisma, intelligence, oratorical skill, a natural ability to frame liberal issues so they make sense to people across the ideological spectrum (the knuckledragger wing of the GOP excepted), a cool head, and an attitude of genuine optimism that America desperately needs.  

Then there's his campaign organization, which is running circles around that of his worthy opponent.  And the crowds.  And the turnout.  And the margins of victory.  And And And.

I predict an Obama victory in November will instantly improve our standing in the world by 20 points...probably more.  I predict his cabinet choices and advisor appointments will be exciting and innovative (not to mention competent).  I predict he'll make excellent judicial choices.  I believe he'll take steps to roll back the draconian excesses of the Bush-Cheney chickenhawk junta that turned the executive branch into a virtual monarchy.

And I believe he'll be the kind of leader who can tell the "lie, hate and smear" wing of the Republican party to go to hell in such a way that they thank him for the directions.

And here's something else.  I've been waiting for cracks to appear in his campaign---something from the inside that goes CLUNK!  Aside from an occasional stray comment that raised some eyebrows and set the chattering class a'chattering, I'm not seein' any.  That's almost surreal.

Did I mention coattails?  I predict his will be a mile long, helping House and Senate candidates generate the kind of money and ground support that'll help 'em win their races more easily at both the fed and state level.

I agree with Kos that individual endorsements usually aren't worth a bucket of warm spit.  But a year---or two or five or ten---from now, I want to be able to revisit my thoughts on the self-described "skinny kid with a funny name."  The words I've written may look foolish and short-sighted then.  But today they fit my state of mind like a glove.

C&J hopes Barack Obama wins big next week...and utterly destroys McCain in November.

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Four Years Ago in C&J:  February 28, 2004...

JEERS to George W. Bush.  The hood comes off---Chancellor Palpatine is really Darth Sidious, as he calls for constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.  Don't expect any more invitations to Log Cabin Republican tea dances.  Or Christmas cards.  Or votes.  And another thing: Thpphhhttt!!

CHEERS to an instant buzz.  A bar in London is selling vaporized vodka, which patrons inhale.  Sure, it makes you tipsy faster, but now what will women throw in men's faces after they make sleazy passes?

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And just one more...

CHEERS and JEERS to William F. Buckley, Jr.  The "Poobah of Conservative Thought" had an interesting ideological arc over his lifetime.  He started out as an advocate of Joe McCarthy and promoted segregation in his magazine, Woman's Day.  [Note to self: fact check that.  Might be Good Housekeeping.]  And calling for the tattooing of AIDS patients was hideously cruel.  But as the years unfolded he seemed to mellow with age while his own party became more and more unhinged.  In the end, they didn’t really know what to make of him.  Mainly because they didn't know the meaning of half the words he used.  Buckley was 82.  Many of his ideas were 750.

P.S. His party should've listened to him on legalizing marijuana.  Then again, Republicans love holding on to their fear cards.

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Oh, and if anything should, y'know, "happen" to me while I'm traveling, please remember this: I was adorable.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"Our discourse is so stupid, and its king nitwit is Bill in Portland Maine."
---Atrios
2/27/08

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