Graphic Content Warning: Some of the links in this piece portray Iraqi citizens abused by guards at Abu Ghraib prison.
Are you a disenfranchised citizen living in an oil rich country ruled by a tyrannical regime? Or do you suffer under the harsh control of a fanatical, religious, oligarchy? Have you often thought about how much better your life might be if your country was a free-market puppet Democracy of the West with Liberty and Freedom for all, but were afraid of the high cost, long hours, headaches, and casualties? Then read on friends, because today is your lucky day!
It is our pleasure and honor to announce the
Democracy Company of America or DEMCOA (Listed NASDAQ: NEOCN) is open for business-for at least another four years-and ready to help you achieve all your Democratic needs!
DEMCOA combines the best of US Firepower with the shrewd profit focus of an American corporation to make this unbeatable offer.
How much do you think it SHOULD cost to install a puppet Democracy in your country? Ten-billion dollars? Twenty-billion? More? The total cost can be astronomical!
Well, DEMCOA has a special NO-money down offer. No Money Down?!
Yes, you heard me right! You can't lose! Our Sheiks Spring Sale gives you the basic DEMCOA package including:
- Invading and removing your existing dictatorship or theocracy
- Forming a US led interim puppet authority to supervise "Elections" [wink]
- Repairing all petroleum facilities
Now how much would you pay? Fifty-billion dollars? One-hundred billion? Well, this is the amazing part; you don't have to pay a cent, EVER, and you don't have to act until summer of 2006!
All the initial costs of repair, improvements, blood, lives, and military/industrial services, are fully paid for by the US Taxpayer, you will NEVER be charged!!!
We do the fighting! We loose the limbs and do the dying! We foot the entite BILL!!! We even supply western contractors to be beheaded on live TV! We come up with excuses why your country must be a democracy, and market that whopper to our own people and to the world
We shift the blame for anything that goes wrong and pass the buck off to our spineless Congress who were stupid enough to trust us in the first place [snicker]! And the US Taxpayer pays the tab down to the last round of depleted uranium, so you don't have tooooooo! This offer is UNBEATABLE!!!
Maybe you're now thinking, this MUST be too good to be true? Maybe you're wondering what the catch is after two years?
There is NO catch friends! We do humbly ask that you consider giving DEMCOA fair consideration when determining the equitable price of your countries most precious resource. And that you consider using our consortium of companies for all your oil production/contruction needs. But DEMCOA is NOT asking for a handout ... We plan to earn all your reconstruction business the old fashioned way, fair and square; through shady back room deals and generous bribes for all! Yes, we pay you for the privilege to bring Democracy to your war torn land; unilke our competitors! It's a win-win-win no matter how you slice it!!!
Yes, in return for working out an exclusive, under the table deal on oil cost/production facilities to further enrich our unimaginably wealthy major shareholders and corporate officers, the American taxpayer will fully fund your needed repairs, kick out your current war lord or religious end-of-the-world-fanatic, and install your new puppet democracy!
And because DEMCOA is backed by the full faith and credit of the US Treasury and fully underwritten by the Communist Chinese, you'll never have to worry about liquidity; unlike OTHER Democracy Companies! There really is NOTHING to lose! We have the guns, we have the money, we have the American Public completely fooled, for NOW! So you better make that call while you can!!!
Still not convinced? For the next five callers from an oil rich Outpost of Tyranny who call our toll free hotline, we will install a theme park and tourist attraction sure to draw flocks of Travel and Leisure customer from around the world, fun for the whole family, we like to call Abu-Grabu-land: AT NO CHARGE! Just think of the jobs! (Bible Camp and Babylon Hotel & Casino, not included)
In Abu-Grabu-land, your children laugh and frolic on such rides as The Naked Man Pigpile: How high can you stack, nude, helpless, prisoners, before they topple over like a giant human Jinga? Send pictures of your friends and family to the whole world from our Wi-fi HotSpot Coffee Lounge Star Sheckles©, as the little ones saddle up old Shi`ite women and ride them like ponies playing chicken! The kids LOVE it!
And after the children are tucked in for the night, adults can let their inner animal out at the exotic alternative S & M Nightclub The Rummarium; featuring the Water Board Ride; where you can strike terror into the heart of an accused adolescent Sunni insurgent by pretending to drown them ... PRETEND? Hehe ... Only you will KNOW if you're serious or not! And don't worry about getting caught or embaressed, because whatever happens in Abu-Grabu-Land, Stays In Abu-Grabu-Land; so don't forget to bring those old leather hoods and chains!!
Even the family pets can participate! The snarling-and-biting-a-hooded-bound-old-man to death dog ride, and the bathe-an-arab-bitch-in-fish-oil-cat-toss, are some of the most popular attractions in the whole park. So bring Rover and Pussy along to!
So you get the invasion, the removal of your current government, the Democratic puppet regime, and Abu-Grabu-land with the Pig-pile, Old-women Pony, and Pet attractions, at no cost to you, and you don't have to deliver a single sweetheart contract until 2006! Can you really afford not to call? 1-555-LIBERATE-ME! That's 1-555-LIBERATE-ME!!!! Or log onto DEMCOA.com and get out of that tyrannical rut!
Offer not good for disenfranchised citizens of Saudi Arabia or Uzbekistan/Azerbaijan. Persons living in Christian Theocracies may not apply
It's a laugh a minute at Abu-Grabu-land, and in the whole country when DEMCOA takes the case! So get your new puppet Democracy as soon as you can. Don't wait! Make that call now!