whenever the topic of rape, sexual assault or "domestic" violence comes up I always look to see how quickly someone chimes in with "it happens to men too."
In the On Rape and Men diary currently on the rec list, it was mentioned in comment number two.
Comment number two.
The post was well meaning and I agreed with almost all of it, but...
Comment number two.
Yes it happens to men too, but I don't know any men who live their daily lives in fear of being raped and arrange all the details of their lives to avoid being raped:
where they live,
what kind of lights are at their front and back doors,
what floor they live on,
how many locks they have on the door,
what kind of locks,
how quickly they can get their keys in the door,
what kind of shades/curtains they have on the windows,
what time to close the shades/blinds/curtains to keep people from looking in,
whether the neighbors/people walking in the street are looking in,
whether the guy who comes to fix the cable/spray for bugs/deliver a package has proper identification,
what streets they walk on,
how quickly they walk,
how alert they are as they walk,
how unencumbered they are as they walk,
what hours they can use public transportation,
whether to squeeze on the crowded bus/subway car/elevator next to men,
whether to ride the bus/subway car/elevator alone,
whether the bus driver/cab driver/car service driver/elevator operator looks threatening,
where they drive,
what kind of car they drive,
whether to park on the street or in a garage,
where they park on the street or in a garage (near the lights/stairs/elevator),
whether to use stairs or an elevator,
whether the parking attendant(s) noticed they were alone,
whether they should carry a hatpin/a knife/pepper spray/mace/a gun/some other weapon,
whether that weapon could be wrested from them used against them,
what kind of clothes they wear (comfortable enough to defend themselves/run away in),
whether being overweight makes you more or less attractive as a target for potential attackers,
what time they arrive at work,
what time they leave work,
whether they can arrive and leave with someone,
whether they can stay and work late if no one else is in the office,
whether they can work late if all the other people working late are men,
whether to go to the restroom alone,
whether to go to a movie/pizza place/party/political event/anywhere alone...
I could go on.
In many many years of listening to women talk about this topic, some of whom have been attacked and some of whom are "merely" living in fear of it, I have met and talked to and counseled and comforted countless women who spend a lot of time thinking about all those things.
And more.
On a daily basis.
The men I know have the luxury of never thinking about these things, at least not with respect to rape, even though "it happens to men, too".
Rape among men is rare enough that men's personal safety concerns for the most part go to robbery and property loss, not to bodily integrity.
Sometimes they are surprised and even shocked to discover how often and how automatically the women in their lives do think about these things. "How come you walk the long way around instead of taking the shortcut between buildings--you would have made it to class on time" is met with a blank stare from a woman who is thinking "are you crazy? I can't walk to an evening class through that alley just because you can."
I read Against Our Will when it was first published back in the 1970s and it opened my eyes. I believed then and believe now that the point Brownmiller was making about rape being the means of intimidation by which all men keep all women in a state of fear is not (just) about how many women worry that all men are potential rapists, but the worry that all men are potential (or actual) bystanders.
Why don't more men respond in a consistently negative way to their friends who disrespect women? Why does so much of men's entertainment involve women being vulnerable/scared/threatened/in pain/violated/killed? Why don't more fathers teach their sons to respect the bodily integrity of women? Why don't more officers teach their soldiers to respect the women in the population they are fighting against, and the women in the same uniform they are working beside? Why doesn't the government take stronger action against contractors who look the other way while their own employees are raped?
Why does almost every level of the culture outside of feminism promotes the idea that the primary purpose of a woman's existence is to put herself on display for men's pleasure? And why does almost every level of the culture outside of feminism promote the idea that submission equals consent?
The political implications of this are clear. Young women and girls are particularly vulnerable because they do not know to be vigilant, and yet even perfect vigilance is no guarantee of protection. The time and mental energy spent worrying about protecting their bodily safety is time and mental energy women could spend on changing the world so that they don't have to live in fear.
So just once I'd like to see a diary on Daily Kos about violence against women without someone jumping in with "I know it's rare, but it happens to men, too."
But since I know those comments are unavoidable, can they be at least a little further down the thread than comment number two?
/rant
Update: Here is a great article for men who want to understand more about this aspect of life for women, in terms of how to be a non-threatening male presence: Schrödinger's Rapist [hat tip: kyeo]