From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Let's Play A Game
This is gonna be fun. First, everybody get naked.
Wow, that was fast. Now, to play the game all you have to do is guess which of these comments about Maine's upcoming ballot Question 1 are real---i.e. from letters and opinion columns published in the Portland Press Herald, Bangor Daily News or Portland Daily Sun---and which are ones I just made up to sound crazy. This is tougher than it looks. Good luck!
1) Gay rights advocates sneer at the common-sense objection that homosexual relations cannot be considered natural or normal. One need merely look at human anatomy and consider the consequences if all sex were homosexual sex to grasp this obvious and intuitive fact.
2) The gay rights movement wants us to believe that Question 1 is an issue of equality. They do not plan to stop here. This is not about equality, it is about totality. When do we stop allowing the desires of the few to become the laws of the many?
3) We will no longer be able to live in accordance with the lessons as our ancestors taught us.
4) Just as an alcoholic or gambler or domestic abuser or chronically ill person must live differently from the rest of us, so must homosexuals not expect their lives to mimic that of their parents or heterosexual siblings or friends.
5) Just as hair washing does not equal tooth brushing, nothing but one man and one woman will ever equal marriage.
6) If Question 1 fails and LD 1020 takes effect, the institution of marriage as it has been known for centuries would be completely obliterated.
7) Those who deliberately choose homosexuality are now asking Maine voters not for help to overcome it but for enabling, to support an "addiction" that is unhealthy, contrary to nature and has proven to ultimately end in an untimely and often tragic demise.
8) Marketing this lifestyle as "normal" has a high probability of confusing socially awkward children and encouraging experimentation during their early years. It is a recruitment program for the homosexual lobby.
9) Do a majority in Maine really wish we would revert back into a heathen nation?
Pencils down. (Oh, forgot to mention: grab a pencil!) Here are the answers: If you guessed that statements 1, 3, 6, 7 and 8 are real, you're correct. The rest---2, 4, 5 and 9---are also real. (#9 is from an op-ed column today that caused a temporary comma shortage in Maine.) It's really quite an experience reading tripe like this. It's like they write random scary words on ping pong balls, throw 'em into a lottery machine, pull 'em out at random, write 'em down and send 'em in. Missing is the critical skill known as "thinking."
These are the kinds of people who have come out of the woodwork recently to "defend traditional marriage," having previously devoted countless hours to not defending it in any way whatsoever. Not a single referendum outlawing divorce or adultery. No petition gatherers on the streets asking citizens if they'll help make it illegal for atheists or devil worshipers or convicted criminals to partake in the "sanctity" of marriage. But gay people? To the barricades! It's the end of civilization!!!
If enough of them vote 'Yes' on Tuesday and get our marriage-equality law repealed, there's gonna be a royal stink in this state. Not just because the majority will have yanked legally-bestowed rights away from a minority, but because this will be a victory for the forces of---and I don’t use this word lightly---evil. To run a campaign as deliberately vicious and dishonest as the Catholic Church and the National Organization of Marriage (NOM) have is evil. I feel especially bad for the kids of same-sex couples in Maine for what they've had to endure---hearing their moms or their dads called everything from abominations to pedophiles to alcoholic nutcases to radical extremists to heathen. It's so typical of the right wing philosophy, especially toward GLBT people: win at all costs and never mind who or what gets destroyed in the process.
This is the last weekend before the election and there's much that everyone can do to throw sand in the gears of the smear machine (grid adapted from Kos's post yesterday):
Virtual phone banking (out of state): Click here
In-person volunteering (in state): Click here
Drive for Equality carpools (drivers and passengers needed from the northeast): Click here
And if you haven't seen this already, here's an overview of the needs for all three equality initiatives on the ballot: WA, ME and Kalamazoo: Click here
The 'No on 1' campaign is ecstatic about the strong support it's gotten from the netroots, and if we keep the momentum going we can win this thing and, best of all, make NOM cry like little babies. Let's keep at it for just four more days. (But, uh, don’t forget to put your clothes back on first.)
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 30, 2009
Note: [Sigh] Fine, I'll say it: "I vant to suck your blood." Okay...now gimme mah candy. And no goddamm raisins!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Thanksgiving: 27
Days `til the 2009 Wilson Whirligig Festival in North Carolina: 8
Percent chance that the three deadliest days for pedestrians are 1/1, 10/31, and 12/23: 100%
(Source: Parade)
Rank of Charleston, WV, Jacksonville, FL and Corpus Christi, TX among America's most accident-prone cities: #1, 2, 3
Rank of Rochester, NY, Burlington, VT and Los Angeles among America's least accident-prone cities: #1, 2, 3
(Source: Men's Health)
Percent of 401(k) participants surveyed who cashed out after losing or changing their jobs in 2008: 46%
(Source: Hewitt Associates via AP)
Cost of the American Patriot steel casket at Walmart: $1,099
(Source: Walmart)
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,789
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Still the best li'l doggie Halloween pic evuh!
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CHEERS to getting a [mostly] clean bill of health. One thing I've noticed since I started paying attention (about ten minutes ago) to how the various levers of government operate is that the House of Representatives seems to run circles around the Senate. You need a bill? Sure, fine...[Boop!]...here ya go. I mean, they had three healthcare reform bills with government-run options sitting in the waiting room lobby months ago while the Senate was still dithering with their Mr. Coffee. And yesterday House Democrats stood outside (apparently no one remembered to bring their keys to the Capitol building, so they had to wait for the janitor to show up) and announced they not only had a bill ready to go, but that they were practically ready to send it immediately to President Obama's desk. But no...we gotta wait now for the congenial colleagues in the Upper rectal chamber to get their shit together and figure out how to defang it as much as possible before it passes. In the meantime, I turn to the Great Oracle, Dr. Paul von Krugman, to put the House bill in perspective:
[T]he bill does include a "medium-strength" public option, in which the public plan would negotiate payment rates---defying the predictions of pundits who have repeatedly declared any kind of public-option plan dead. It also includes more generous subsidies than expected, making it easier for lower-income families to afford coverage. And according to Congressional Budget Office estimates, almost everyone---96 percent of legal residents too young to receive Medicare---would get health insurance. So should progressives get behind this plan? Yes. ... The legislation on the table isn’t perfect, but it’s as good as anyone could reasonably have expected. History is about to be made---and everyone has to decide which side they’re on.
My line in the sand is still the same: I'm on whichever side guarantees a robust hospital mini-bar option.
JEERS to the gall of the agricultural-industrial complex. Cliff Schecter is a great progressive advocate and a nice guy. His TV appearances on CNN and MSNBC a few years back are the stuff of legend because he refused to play pattycake with conservative pundits and instead went for the jugular. When he raises alarm bells---as he's now doing in my home state of Ohio---he's not kidding. Big Agriculture is trying to dupe voters into giving them star chamber-like powers with a constitutional amendment called Issue 2. It's downright ugly:
[Issue 2] would create an unaccountable board, giving the governor the power to appoint 10 of 13 members (who can be agri-business contributors) to completely regulate farming practices. As it is a [constitutional] Amendment, no ballot initiative, act of the legislature, or decision by the State Dept of Ag could overturn what they do. They won't have to explain their decisions to anyone, even if they ignore studies about how to keep animals to prevent cruelty, the spread and mutation of disease, the degradation of the environment and the bankrupting of family farms. ...
With Issue 2's passage, those only interested in their bottom line can (and you can bet will) stuff millions more animals into smaller and smaller crates together, increasing the likelhood of H1N1 and E. Coli outbreaks and mutations and their capacity for animal cruelty. They can ignore the waste caused by big factory farms that contaminates the water we drink. They can allow workers to be exploited and placed in situations that endanger their health, while putting family farms--held for generations---out of business. And why should you care if this passes in Ohio? For all the reasons above, but also...because you're next.
Please join our Facebook group. Tweet this. Blog it. Call and email everyone you know in Ohio. And be prepared when this garbage dressed up as a gift inevitably makes its way to your state.
More at the NO campaign's official website. Kids, cover your ears, Uncle Billy's gonna say something naughty about the agri-trolls: Soulless fuckers.
JEERS to germs, germs everywhere. The Maine Center for Disease Control has officially designated the H1N1 virus a pediatric pandemic:
The H1N1 flu virus is now so widespread in southern Maine that the Maine Center for Disease Control and Prevention has stopped documenting cases, the state's top medical official said Thursday. At the same time, deliveries of H1N1 vaccine are lagging far behind schedule, limiting many people's access to it. Dr. Dora Anne Mills said during a news conference Thursday that the state is distributing the vaccine as fast as it can to the areas and institutions that need it most.
I'm certainly not panicking over it. But as a precaution, for the first time in my tenure as a gassy old man, I won’t be asking any young'un to pull my finger for the forseeable future. Um, would you mind...?
CHEERS to #2. And happy 274th birthday to John Adams, born October 30, 1735. Here are a few toasts from his colleagues:
"He's actually insane!" (Sec. of War James McHenry)
"Sometimes absolutely mad!" (Ben Franklin)
"He is vain, irritable, and a bad calculator of the force and probable effect of the motives which govern men." (Thomas Jefferson)
Okay, well, that was fun. Pay your respects here. But watch your words---he still thinks the Alien and Sedition Acts are in effect.
CHEERS to the C&J mailbag. We just sent this out via Burkha Post:
Dear Saudi Arabia King Guy,
Thank you for not whipping that woman journalist's ass sixty times just because she had the audacity to be present during a discussion of...S-E-X. Now I won’t have to spend money on airfare to come over and whip yours.
Many blessings on your camels, your Saudiness (especially if it happens to be your birthday!)
BiPM
P.S. When you play checkers and get one of your pieces to the other end of the board, I bet you tell your opponent to "Me me!" Ha ha...little board game joke.
Can't understand why he never returns my calls.
CHEERS to theatre of the mind. Seventy one years ago today, on October 30, 1938, Orson Welles' The War of the Worlds aired on CBS radio. By using fake news reports with deadpan seriousness, the broadcast caused a panic among listeners who thought the reports of a Martian invasion were true. To this day it's Dick Cheney's favorite bedtime story.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Fresh boob-tubage this weekend includes Yankees/Phillies action (note: our psychic tells us the Cubs are gonna win it all next year---believe it!) and NFL head-butting. New DVD releases can be found here, and we're hoping we can carve out a sliver of time to watch Bride of Frankenstein and Plan 9 from Outer Space. Ryan Reynolds' abs are hosting SNL, and the H1N1 vaccine-manufacturing process is revealed on 60 Minutes. And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Zombie Index:
Meet the Press: Tim Geithner and David Plouffe. Zombie Index: Brains!!!
This Week: Valerie Jarrett and a "Powerhouse Roundtable" starring people who have no actual power. Zombie Index: Brains!!!
Face the Nation: Joe Lieberman. Zombie Index: No Brains!!!
The McLaughlin Group: As usual, four conservatives against one liberal. Zombie Index: Eleanor Clift Brains!!!
Bill Moyers Journal: The economy: Is it growing or not? Zombie Index: Big Brains!!!
Fox Pity Party with Chris Wallace: Rush Limbaugh. Zombie Index: Shit for Brains!!!
Happy feasting. Nom Nom...
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Five years ago in C&J: October 30, 2004
CHEERS to lazy bastards. According to a new study published in the American Medical Athletic Association Journal, vigorous exercise triggers up to 17 percent of the sudden cardiac deaths in the U.S.---meaning tens of thousands of deaths a year. And doctors now think that marathons and triathlons can actually depress your immune system. So, uh...pass the Doritos and the remote?
JEERS to Halliburton. They're in deep shit now. Those no-bid contracts are being investigated by the FB-frickin-I, making their shenanigans a criminal matter. Steve Soto at the Left Coaster calls the Bush administration "the gift that keeps on giving to Kerry/Edwards." Your lips to God's ears.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to an extra hour of sleep. Daylight Saving Time ends Sunday morning at 2am. (You must stay up 'til then or else it won't work right and we'll all have to do it over again---so we'll be watchin' for a light in your window, bub.) It's the usual routine: If you're a Democrat, turn your clocks back one hour. If you're a Republican, turn your clocks back 50 years.
Enjoy your weekend, BUT...Bee Vare. See ya next month---I hear it's going to be somewhat eventful. Floor's open...What were you cheering and jeering about today?
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