From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
A Modest Proposal
Y'know, we gay people can be so annoying. I really wish we would just butt out of you straight peoples' lives and stop forcing you to vote on our civil rights. I know from experience that voting is tough, and can lead to debilitating injuries. Like, for instance, if you vote in a state where you have to fill in an oval with a marker, you're almost assured of leaving the booth with carpal-tunnel syndrome.
So I completely sympathize with California voters who feel that 2010 is too early to take the dangerous step of voting on the civil rights of gay people:
Strikingly, however, almost three in five Californians did not want to revisit the [Prop. 8] issue in 2010, just one election cycle after it last hit the ballot. In November of 2008, Californians voted 52% to 48% to limit marriage to a man and a woman. ...
The survey showed that same-sex marriage continues to reverberate differently along racial and generational lines. A little more than half of whites backed it, while slightly fewer than half of African Americans and Latinos did. All three groups, however, opposed having to vote on it in 2010.
I also sympathize with Mainers who are sick of it all, as so clearly articulated by Dottie Berry from Gray in the letters section of Monday's Portland Press Herald:
If Adam and Adam or Eve and Eve had been the first persons on the face of this earth none of us would be here. With people losing jobs, having their homes foreclosed on, and wondering how they are going to survive, gay-marriage is not top priority. I, for one, am sick and tired of this issue being rammed down my throat. The people have voted. Now give it a rest and get a life.
I understand, Dottie. Really, I do. So I'm here as a gay person to say to California and Maine and all of America: we're sorry that we've been so pushy in our quest to achieve the same civil rights that you have. We're new at this. We're clumsy. We're over-eager. We're addicted to Red Bull.
But it occurs to me that there has never been a benchmark established for how long we should wait between votes for civil rights. So I have an idea. I think you'll love it because it'll put all this confusion to rest once and for all and allow us all to "get a life." In fact, it's so perfect it's already been put into motion:
You're losing your marriage rights at midnight.
Trust me---this isn’t some plot to get revenge on you for stealthily taking away our legally-granted marriage rights via the anonymous safety of the voting booth. Not at all. We simply want you (the majority) to show us (the minority) how long you would wait before you put your rights on the ballot. We know from the poll cited above that you'd want to go at least two years as a legal stranger to your husband wife spouse partner. Would you call for an election on the third year? The fifth? The tenth? You show us, and we'll follow your lead.
A few details: If you're married with children, you'll need to figure out which parent will be the legal guardian and which one won't. If your finances are jointly held, you'll need to separate them. Property will need to be divided up. There's all kinds of stuff like that. BUT...you can fix that by going to an attorney and drawing up all the necessary legal contracts between you and your sweetie. Probably won’t cost more than several hundred dollars. (And don't be surprised if all the hustle and bustle puts you in the mood for a little "afternoon delight." But that's your business. Wink!)
Oh, and of course you will have to run a marketing campaign to convince voters that you're worthy of equal rights. So be thinking about your TV ads---maybe you can produce one like this. It's pretty good.
I assume you're in favor of this revolutionary---and perfectly democratic---idea, and I, for one, look forward to voting to restore your full marriage rights because I believe in equality under the law for everyone---even straight people.
Your marriage will be deemed null and void at midnight, and the clock will start ticking. Show us the way, heterosexual America. How long will you be willing to wait before you put restoration of your civil rights on the ballot? We'll be watching...and learning. This is very exciting.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Note: Mr. Peanut isn't Mr. Peanut's real name. But "Mort Legume" just wasn't payin' the bills.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next New Moon on Monday: 5
(Source: Duran Duran)
Days `til the 11th annual Idaho Gourd Festival in Boise: 3
Number of episodes of Sesame Street that have aired in 40 years: 4,212
Number of steps on the stoop of 123 Sesame Street: 6
(Source: USA Today)
Percent of U.S. employees surveyed who think their boss is dishonest: 53%
Percent who say they'd fire their boss if they had the chance: 28%
(Source: Harris poll via The Week)
Number of my bosses who are dishonest: [Sorry, I'm not at liberty to comment during an ongoing investigation]
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 167 (including 4 gogs and 1 inspirational message). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Roo gets along on two.
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CHEERS to prezzy pep talks. Mr. Clinton done gone to Washington yesterday, where he delivered a stirring and thoughtful message to senators now hammering out a health care bill:
"Pass anything! Anything at all! Pass it with a glue-sniffing amendment! Pass it with a gazillion-dollar surcharge on tongue depressors! Pass it with a provision that says people have to store medical waste under their beds! I don’t care what the hell is in that sucker but for God's sake pass something! Now Now Now!!! Aaaaahhhhhh!!!"
And then he quietly sat in a corner and played with blocks. Post-presidencies are hell.
JEERS to stupid messages delivered stupidly by a stupid messenger. Ah, the wisdom of the compassionate Texas Republican. Last year it was Phil Gramm calling Americans stung by the recession "whiners." This year it's Dick Armey calling people with pre-existing conditions "pigs." This points to a larger truth, and you should remember this every time a Republican or teabagger opens his or her mouth to complain about something: everything they whine and cry about---whether it's health care or deficits or whatever---they had a chance to fix when they were in power. But they didn’t. They just sat around doling out taxpayer cash to their cronies' corporations, passing laws that amounted to thin swill, and suckling off the donation teat of---surprise!---their corporate cronies. Mr. Armey could've called us pigs back when he was House majority leader and then actually done something about it. Instead he sat on his hands and said nothing, did nothing. It is his behavior, not ours, that more closely mimics the species swinus americanus magnus. Oink Oink, pal.
CHEERS to the storm slayer. Thanks to the quick thinking and superior organization of director Craig Fugate, FEMA's giant fiberglass and stainless steel hurricane deflectors were rapidly deployed, and they quickly reduced Hurricane Ida to a mere super soaker. (Correct me if I'm wrong, but you needed the rain down there, yes?) For the first time in years, the phrase "heckuva job" was used without sarcasm. Point: Obama!
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Over at TPM, reader JF asks: What would happen if a few female members of the House put in (or merely proposed) an amendment to the health care bill which stated that men would be barred BY LAW from purchasing health insurance which covered Viagra, all hair-growth medications or procedures or transplants, etc.?
Revolution!!!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to simple solutions to complex problems. So how do we stem the tide of undocumented workers streaming over the border from Mexico into the United States? Easy. Just destroy your economy and then...fewer scary brown people! Oh, and coincidentally, it works just as well with Canadians!
JEERS to words of doom. Oh, I'm so sorry, Native Americans. Honorary Chief-in-Chief Barack Obama met with your leaders last week and promised he would be a fierce advocate for your rights. As a gay person who was told the same thing, let me just say: while you're waiting for change, you might want to take up a hobby. Like continental-drift watching.
CHEERS and "Alki!" to the Evergreen State. Washington was admitted as the 42nd state 120 years ago on November 11, 1889. To mark the occasion, you might want to bite into a nice juicy Washington apple. Or, if you're like me and believe that noshing requires too much energy, try this alternative: Bottoms up!
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Five years ago in C&J: November 11, 2004
CHEERS to Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA). Not only did she coast to re-election victory last week, but today is her 64th birthday. Today you get a free ride on your state's kewl new form of public transportation. It's so convenient---instead of pulling the cord when you wanna get off, you just pull the trigger. [11/11/09 Update: Happy birthday, Ma'am...er, I mean...um...oh crap. Many blessings on your camels, anyway.]
JEERS to flintlock diplomacy. Michael Ledeen at National Review says the logical choice to replace Colin Powell as secretary of State is...Zell Miller. The folks who make dueling pistols are lickin' their chops.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to The Healing Power of the Court Order. Remember cancer-getter Daniel Hauser of Sleepy Eye, Minnesota? He's the kid who fled with his mom earlier this year to avoid conventional treatments (which have a 90 percent cure rate in young'uns with Hodgkin's lymphoma) because he felt his spiritual beliefs would heal him more effectively than those pesky cancer specialists. When they eventually returned home, a judge slapped a court order on Danny's ass and said, "Chemo...NOW!!!" And lo and behold, it's a non-miracle! The chemo worked as predicted by conventional science and now, instead of dead, Mr. Hauser is cancer-free. So now he can get on with his life and appeal to the Creator for more important things: like getting his teacher to buy the excuse that the dog ate his homework.
Have a great Wednesday, and remember: veterans are cool. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
A recent University of Arizona study found that the handles of almost two-thirds of shopping carts were contaminated with E coli. Drool, saliva and mucus from Bill in Portland Maine also collect there.
---MSNBC
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