From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Sorry, I'm still laughing my ass off at Tom Tancredo's little baby hissy fit. (Mean old blogger...you made former congressman cry.) While I regain my composure, please...enjoy some late night snark:
"Voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right---people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman."
---Conan O'Brien
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"Some people in Connecticut are upset that Joe [Lieberman] now opposes the public option. Namely, the 64 percent of people in Connecticut who support a public option. But remember, Joe's party is 'Connecticut for Lieberman,' not 'Lieberman for Connecticut.' Big difference. You see, Joe's a true independent. He's independent of political parties, and he's independent of his constituents. I say, stick to your principles, Joe. And as soon as you can, let us know what those are."
---Stephen Colbert
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"A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers. The study was conducted by the American Society of Wrong Things to Say to Your Wife."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression?"
---David Letterman
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Bill O'Reilly: I'll call the race right now: Hoffman wins.
Sean Hannity: Doug Hoffman to ride a tidal wave of support all the way to D.C.!
---Fox Conservative Opinion Channel
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"This weekend, President Obama declared a national emergency in response to the growing threat of swine flu. ... In response to Obama's declaration, the Republican leaders this morning came out in support of the swine flu."
---Jimmy Kimmel
And please fling some poo at the biggest bullshit peddler of the '09 elections, courtesy of The Daily Show's research team:
Former Bush press secretary Ari Fleischer---November 3, 2009: It's a real significant check on Barack Obama's first year in office. I don’t think anyone can minimize what it means to the president.
Anderson Cooper: The White house will say these are local elections about local issues. Do you buy that?
Fleischer: No.
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Fleischer in the White House briefing room 8 years ago---November 5, 2001: You have to take a look at off-year elections as local elections, primarily. I think there's a pretty universal view on that. ... Typically these kinds of off-year elections are reflective of local events, local politics.
And the man still has a license to operate a motor vehicle.
Come tip my jar. I give you stale candy corn. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 6, 2009
Note: For the first time in my life, I'm taking a "mental health day" on Monday, mainly because I've been acting much too mentally stable lately. C&J will return on Tuesday after spending the weekend short-sheeting 'Yes on 1' voters' beds and filling their outhouses with cement. With love, of course.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Vancouver Winter Olympic Games: 98
Days `til the Po-Boy Preservation Festival in New Orleans: 16
Number of singles in New York City: 3.8 million
(Source: The New York Times via The Week)
Percent of respondents in a recent AP-GfK survey who identified themselves as Republicans: 32%
Percent who identified themselves as Democrats: 43%
Number of times Sesame Street has been sponsored by the letter E: 150
(Source: USA Today))
Percent of Americans under 65 who will be covered under the House health insurance reform bill: 96%
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,796
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Twenty one!!!
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CHEERS to workin' on the weekend. Tomorrow the House could vote on the healthcare reform package that it should've voted on a century ago. But better late than never! Sing it, Loverboy...
Steny Hoyer's workin' for the weekend
'Cause we all want health care just like France
Eric Cantor's goin' off the deep end
When it passes he will crap his pants
Ohhhh!
Health care reform is teh smart
It's really good for your heart
We're sick of goin' so slow
C'mon Steny let's go!!!
If that doesn’t light a fire under their hineys I don’t know what will. (I never was very good at my Plan Bs.)
JEERS to a really bad rabble. Wow, teabaggers, you really sucked yesterday. A billionaire busses you all in and this is how you repay him??? Oh, sure, you had your Marxist slogans and obscene holocaust signs and that honest-to-goodness week-without-bathing teabagger smell. (Mmmm...ripe!) But, good gracious, you forgot the words to the Pledge of Allegiance, desecrated the American flag by letting it fall to the ground, and confused the Constitution with the Declaration of Independence??? And then you had the gall to accept socialist health care right in front of your host, Michele Bachmann??? Jesus...Glenn Beck goes into the hospital and you guys fall apart. Tsk Tsk.
CHEERS to the first skinny, gangly president from Illinois. On this November 6, 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected president. Like our previous C-in-C, he wasn't terribly popular during his presidency and suspended the writ of habeas corpus. But at least he cared enough about capital punishment to actually spend some time thinking about it. From The Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:
It is a little known fact that Abraham Lincoln personally authorized the largest mass hanging in American history. In 1862, Sioux Indians on the verge of starvation attacked white settlements in Minnesota, killing more than 800 men, women and children. Union troops eventually subdued the Indians, tried them, and condemned 307 of them to hang. Alarmed by rumors that justice had been a little too swift, Lincoln personally reviewed all 307 convictions. All but thirty-eight sentences were commuted. Four thousand spectators were on hand to watch the thirty-eight hang on December 26 in Mankato, Minnesota.
If Bush had been in Lincoln's shoes he woulda said, "Only 307?"
P.S. It's also the 121st anniversary of the day in 1888 when Republican Benjamin Harrison beat Grover Cleveland to become the 23rd president. Funny thing...Cleveland came back four years later and kicked Harrison's ass. What's that thing that's best served cold, again?
P.P.S It's also the 148th anniversary of the day Jefferson Davis was elected to a six-year term as president of the confederacy. The last two-and-a-half were the lame-duckiest in the history of lame duckism.
CHEERS to a glance in the rearview mirror. Just so we can preserve it in pixilated amber for political scientists of the future, here's a nice summary of the impact of Tuesday's elections from People for the American Way:
The results of Tuesday's elections in Maine, New Jersey, New York, Virginia and Washington were a mixed bag but there are some clear lessons we can learn.
• Voters rejected right-wing radicalism.
• Democrats who fail to stand up for Democratic and progressive principles fail in elections.
• The Right's lies still work.
• Despite the stinging loss for marriage equality in Maine, evidence elsewhere shows voters moving towards support of equality for all Americans.
• The Far Right strengthened its grip on the Republican Party.
• We have a lot of work to do to educate people, expose right-wing lies and counter the resurgent Right.
• The scattered results of yesterday's elections were not a referendum on President Obama and his policies.
And if I may add one of my own: "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!" Ahem.
CHEERS to words of wisdom from...the beltway villagers??? Yup. Enjoy this leftover bit from Sunday's The Chris Matthews Show. It's one of three times I've done a legitimate spit take, and thank god my laptop wasn't open at the time:
Howard Fineman: One of [Barack Obama's] great qualities, whether you like him or not, is patience. And he's playing a very patient game here.
Chris Matthews: Is he smarter than us?
Howard Fineman: Of course he is!
We have nothing further to add.
CHEERS to our men and women---straight and gay---in uniform. Wednesday is Veterans' Day, but most of the commemorations and observances will take place this weekend. The horror of what happened in Texas yesterday underscores the fact that military service often means paying a heavy and unexpected price. It is where you go to become a trained killer-of-bad-people and destroyer-of-bad-things in defense of our country, and where you literally go to work every day operating under a mission statement that says, in effect, "I will go to the most gruesome lengths imaginable to protect you, even if it costs me my life." And while we could go on and on about how our armed forces have been kicking ass for over 230 years (in yer face, Cornwallis!), we'll leave it at a simple..."Thank You."
CHEERS to home vegetation. Finally---Saturday night TV worth watching! Tomorrow night it's the premiere of The Wanda Sykes Show, and anyone who interrupts us while we're watching it will be eating their meals through a straw for six weeks. New DVD releases include the must-see doc Food, Inc., the VERY LOUD G.I. Joe (his kung-fu grip comes in especially handy during the sex scene) and the Travolta-plays-crazy-hijack-guy in the remake of The Taking of Pelham 123. On 60 Minutes: Hackers!!! And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Kicks off its 63rd year with Governors Ed Rendell (D-PA) and Haley Barbour (R-MS); and a roundtable with blah blah blah and RACHEL!!!
This Week: Steele, Kaine, Luntz, Will, Cokie, Zzzzzz......
Face the Nation: Dick Armey...before he dicks you. [Ba-boom!]
The McLaughlin Group: Eleanor Clift gains the upper hand when she uses shadow-puppetry to make it look like the four conservatives are picking their nose.
Bill Moyers Journal: Thoughtful, in-depth analysis of veterans issues, including a look at "what happens to soldiers after they have been trained to kill." Man, can he time his topics or can he time his topics?
Fox Pity Party with Chris Wallace: Chris Wallace will use the phrase "Some say..." 165 times---a new record!
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: November 6, 2004
JEERS to victory at all costs. Report says Bill Clinton phoned John Kerry during the campaign to convince him that God hates fags. Et tu, Bubba???
CHEERS to divine justice. An overzealous Jehovah's Witness was arrested when he pulled a Bible out of his carry-on bag during an airport screening in Nashville and said, "This is my bomb." Smooth move, dude...this is your jail cell.
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And just one more...
CHEERS with TEARS to an early Christmas. Long story short: Five year-old Michigan boy has cancer, doctors say he won’t make it to December 25. He wants to celebrate it anyway. Family is obliging next week, complete all their relatives and Santa arriving on a fire truck. Noah would be thrilled to get a card from you. Here's where to send it. And fer god's sake, no nudie cards. (I want mine to stand out.)
Have a somewhat autumn-like weekend. Maybe slip away for a few moments of peace and quiet. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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