CNN reports a very scary story on April 7. A very scary story that involves monsters. These monsters have done something horrible to this nation's children for years and years. It is now time to take back control, folks. It is time to make
Cookie Monster give up forcing America's youth to eat...COOKIES.
Yes, my friends, the end of Monster tyranny is near. Today will be the day we can all rest easy knowing that the Monster left in our homes thanks to Sesame Street will no longer threaten what matters most to us: our children's eating habits.
Indeed, my fellow sweet-haters, we can be victorious in this battle against all-day cookie binges. We can declare victory as we munch our carrots and our celery in our free world! A world free of Cookie Monster!
<fade out dream sequence>
What the hell?! Are you kidding me? But alas, I am not! There will be no more cookies for Cookie Monster for a while. Cookie Monster has become the new Captain Vegetable as far as I can tell. And what a sad day it is. Dr. Rosemarie T. Truglio, Sesame Street's vice president of research and education says, "The show changes every year, focusing not just on teaching numbers and letters but also emotional and physical health. With the rise in childhood obesity, 'Sesame Street' is concentrating on the need to teach children about healthy foods and physical activity..."
So this is it. Cookie Monster, a widely approved Monster, will have to sell out and tell everyone about the health benefits of Vegetables and Fruits. (A job once left for Captain Vegetable, the Superhero from somewhere in New Jersey...) Let's not talk to parents about teaching moderation, or talk to McDonald's for having playlands, birthday parties and cool "must-have" toys marketing to children specifically. (You know, as a child the first place I would vote to eat out at was McDonald's--for the playland and Hot Wheel Cars in the Happy Meals, of course)
Let me know if you are with me here...
I think that it is silly to change Cookie Monster into a lobbyist for the vegetable part of the Food Pyramid. I can remember back to "episodes" of Sesame Street where characters would talk to Cookie Monster about responsible eating habits. I never thought that Cookie Monster forced me into eating more cookies. (The smell of my mother and father making cookies upstairs made me want to eat more cookies.) However, they were right there telling me how many I could have a day, and made them an actual "treat" in my lunches. They never had to hide the cookies, make them a bargaining tool, or punnish me for grabbing a few after dinner.
My parents helped me eat right each day when I was young, giving me the tools to eat well today. My lunches were made at home, and sent with me each day in a "Dukes of Hazzard" lunchbox. I would have my "snack", for snack time in the morning at school, usually consisting of carrots, "ants on a log" (celery with peanut butter and raisins), or an apple (sliced when I was younger). Next up was lunch: a sandwich (meat and cheese with a little dressing--Miracle Whip or mustard or good ol' PB&J), SMALL BAG of chips (Fritos or Sun Chips when they came out), and milk. Then for desert, 2 cookies or a brownie or maybe a piece of leftover cake. TA-DA! I had my lunch, made fresh for me the night before, ready for the day ahead.
I didn't have to fear that Cookie Monster was going to be bummed if I didn't eat more cookies each day. I knew that cookies were a treat. My parents made that clear, so that when I saw Cookie Monster eating dozens of cookies on screen I could say, "Silly Monster, you're crumbling your treats all over the stage!" I knew that there were other things out there to eat!
I pray for the return of Captain Vegetable, folks. I remember him as the Superhero who made little muppets realize that there was more to eating than candy or spaghetti. There were carrots and celery by the bunch!
Has Sesame Street gone soft? Have they lost their creativity? Do they have to create new versions of old characters (talking fruits and vegetables, Cookie Monster, a "less-gay" Ernie to name a few...) to get their politically correct message across? Why not go back in time a preach from the mantra of good ol' Captain Vegetable? Bring him back, I say!
Three cheers for Captain Vegetable! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch!