As some of you may be aware, rather than buying Christmas this year, I've been
stealing it. While stealing Christmas may look like a lot of fun when you watch the Grinch do it on TV (possibly less fun if you had the misfortune to see the cinematic version), it's actually a lot of hard,
alienating work -- especially if you live and work in Whoville.
But that's just the beginning of it. The Grinch didn't have a bunch of Republican grandparents he'd have to see when he went to his parents house for Christmas.
Like most serious Democrats, I've had my share of conflicts with Rethuglican relations. For example, just last year I slapped my inbred cousin so hard I gave him a bloody lip when he started going off on his
bullshit philosophizing about the capital gains tax. Obviously, I don't want to end up slapping my grandmother too, so I need a way to ease the tension.
The O'Reilly Factor Holiday Ornament is the perfect answer! It's an online store, so it would require crimes more serious than simple petty theft to lift it, so I had to buy the thing. That's okay though, because, like most Republicans, my grandparents would consider stealing anything worth less than $100,000 extremely declasse.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right: What am I doing supporting the Ultimate Evil? My answer is, I'm really not. It only cost ten bucks and I've already offset that by other means.
The important thing is that I'll be able to give them a gift they will always charish and blow off enough steam in the process to avoid telling them to piss off when they wish me a "Merry Christmas." That is unless my grandfather starts into his standard speech about how war is an expression of national identity. For that, I have ... obtained... a nice botle of valium.
In a forum full of serious Democrats, I can't be the only one going to extreme measures to cope with right wing relatives during the holiday season. Surely, some of you have stories just like mine.
And to the rest, rather than question your dedication to the cause, I just wish you all a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, and a Raucous Ramadan.