November 1st, 2001
INTERNAL PRESIDENTIAL MEMO from the office of RICHARD CHENEY.
Mr. President,
We've just learned that our own Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) has uncovered a terrorist assassination plot to kill senator Senator David Palmer.
We have dispatched agent Jack Bauer (he's the dude who was so instrumental to us in the Balkans), but based on the above intelligence, the Vice President's office is STRONGLY recommending that we BLOW SOME SHIT UP!
Hey... what was that country that was such a pain in your father's backside?
Get back to me.
Dick
PS: Iraq! That's the country I was thinking of! Iraq!
November 12th, 2002
INTERNAL PRESIDENTIAL MEMO from the office of RICHARD CHENEY.
Mr. President,
I turned on FOX news this evening only to be informed that there is a NUCLEAR BOMB in Los Angeles, California.
Even though those people didn't vote for us, Jack Bauer is on the case, but I'm thinking this might be the perfect opportunity to kill a boatload of poor people!
Golf Wednesday?
Dick
November 16th, 2003
INTERNAL PRESIDENTIAL MEMO from the office of RICHARD CHENEY.
Mr. President,
Was watching the boob-tube and learned about a Mexican drug cartel that is developing a deadly virus being to marketed underground to terrorists.
How does FOX always get these scoops?!?!
GIVEN THE GRAVE AND GATHERING THREAT REFERENCED ABOVE, what would you say to asking Alberto about whether or not we could, say, dunk people in water or even keep them up past their bedtimes?
Also, Condi showed me this hilarious photos of a tiny woman, a German shepherd and a naked dude. Was that your idea? CLASSIC!
Dick
PS: Hung out at the CIA. WOAH, Brah... scorpion in a box!
November 16th, 2004
INTERNAL PRESIDENTIAL MEMO from the office of RICHARD CHENEY
Mr. President,
Things are getting MUCH worse!
Terrorists have kidnapped Secretary Heller and Heller's daughter Audrey Raines (with whom agent Jack Bauer is romantically involved).
These same terrorists then launch further attacks against America, and I fear that in order to stop them Agent Jack will be forced to use unorthodox methods to stop them, methods which will have long-term consequences for both Jack and the U.S!
I know you said 182 times is enough, but I'm INSISTING that we go with the 183rd water boarding of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed!
If you don't do it for me, do it for Teri Bauer, may she rest in peace!
Dick
November 16th, 2005
INTERNAL PRESIDENTIAL MEMO from the office of RICHARD CHENEY
Mr. President,
I've got good news and bad news.
The bad news first; apparently Jack Bauer is fictional and what I was watching on FOX was not actually a NEWS program?
(That whole President Palmer thing should've tipped me off, but I just assumed it was my blood thinner fucking with me.)
The good news... that plot I was telling you about over coffee... where Terrorists with connections to the U.S. government are attempting to steal a nerve gas in order to protect U.S. oil interests in Asia... apparently, that's in the "yellow cake from Africa" bin.
Dick
PS: Ask me about what the NSA is cooking up. One hint: Iretappingway!