From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Common Ground
Whenever I feel like the divide between right and left is getting a little too wide, I like to put on my polka-dot dress and fake mustache, fill my picnic basket with Pabst Blue Ribbon and pork rinds, and skip across the daisy pasture to cavort with the villagers in Rightwingistan. Surely we must have something in common as Americans, yes? Indeed. This morning I bring you actual comments---sensible, earthy, self-evident comments---from recent open threads at a popular conservative blog:
My doctor said those awful words--low fat diet. Yuck.
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Fuck the flu!
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My boss, who is male, tells me he sees this frequently in men's restrooms. A guys leaves the stall, walks right past the sinks and heads directly for the door. He later sees him in the restaurant eating, and holding hands with the women he loves. How romantic.
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At least the stock market is up today.
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We are never done with laundry.
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I want my Thunderdome deathmatch!
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Warmer weather is on the way.
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[N]ever had a mint julep //not missing anything, I take it? Bleeeeeeeeeech! **spit**
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Toyotas aren't exactly known for their entertainment factor.
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No wonder we're scared of the swine flu, we're all swine.
And my favorite:
[W]e got a terrible return on investment on the basement rumpus room with the black light Elvis theme.
I hear ya, buddy. I have walked in your shoes.
So. Mebbe we're not so different, us and them, after all. Mebbe.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 30, 2009
Note: Oh, bite me! No, not you... The Old lady across the street.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 135th Kentucky Derby: 2
Days `til the 33rd annual Glennville Sweet Onion Festival in Georgia: 9
Percent of Americans who supported same-sex marriage in 2004: 32%
Percent of Americans who support it today: 49%
Percent who believe same-sex marriages legally performed in one state should be valid in all states: 53%
(Source: ABC News/Washington Post poll)
Percent of the French who approve of the practice of "bossnapping"---holding top managers hostage: 45%
(Source: Alternet)
Days left in Obama's two-term presidency: 2,821
(Source: Kos)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
All right, we've got W. off to Washington at long last, and here we are, stuck with Gov. Rick Perry.
I realize President-elect Bush is pushing the unlikely notion that what the nation needs is for Congress to become more like the Texas Legislature---a thought so alarming I can only fall back gasping---but in truth our very own dreaded Legislature is almost upon us. Jan. 9 and they'll all be here, leaving many a village without its idiot.
As a matter of politeness and patriotism, all Texans are obliged to fall in line and wish our new governor the best of luck, which I cordially do, and besides, I have been pointing out for years that he has good hair. Really, really good hair.
---December 2000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Looking for a unique marketing opportunity? Here ya go: Canine ankle weights.
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CHEERS to sensible precautions. There's something slightly disturbing about watching the networks shade in states that have reported H1N1 (pronounced "Hiney") flu. Mainly because Maine is now one of them:
Gov. John Baldacci declared a civil emergency late Wednesday, as the state reacted to the closure of two schools in York County with students who were exhibiting symptoms of the swine flu. That announcement came after the Maine Center for Disease Control confirmed the first three cases of swine flu in Maine.
David Farmer, spokesman for the governor, said the civil emergency order is similar to those issued during power outages. It allows the governor to spend funds and deploy Maine National Guard members as needed to meet the demands placed on hospitals and health care providers. The confirmed Maine cases were two adults in Kennebec County and one adult in York County. They did not require hospitalization and are being treated at home.
I don’t know much, but I do know this: if there's a sudden zombie outbreak at the same time, this could get a little awkward.
JEERS to confounding the experts...again. Continuing our series in which we document the ongoing wrongness of the noble number-crunchers:
The U.S. economy contracted at a surprisingly sharp 6.1 percent rate in the first quarter as exports and business inventories plummeted. The drop in gross domestic product, reported by the Commerce Department on Wednesday, was much steeper than the 4.9 percent annual rate expected by economists and followed a 6.3 percent decline in the fourth quarter.
On the bright side...um...er...it means we'll hit bottom faster? Yes? Bueller??
JEERS to confounding the congresswoman from Minnesota...again. How much do we marvel at the astonishingly small number of neurons firing in Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann's head? We're still counting the ways. Here's #392: Monday she accused Franklin Roosevelt of causing the Great Depression by ramming through the "Hoot-Smalley tariffs". Um...not quite:
Here's what really happened: When Franklin Roosevelt took office, unemployment was already about 25%. And the tariff referred to here was actually the Smoot-Hawley bill, co-authored by Republicans Sen. Reed Smoot of Utah and Rep. Willis Hawley of Oregon, and signed into law by President Herbert Hoover.
I'm sure Ms. Bachmann regrets the error and will refresh her memory by reviewing her 5th-grade history book. Or as she calls it: "My trusty doorstop."
CHEERS to Numero Uno. 220 years ago today, on April 30, 1789, George "Honest Abe" Washington was inaugurated as the first President of the United States. (This scene from the HBO miniseries John Adams is a nice re-enactment.) If the Father of Our Country was in office today, Rush Limbaugh would tear him to pieces:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a toothless man who talks conservation but rides an oat-guzzling steed! A flip-flopper who led a war but is now opposed to war! An elitist who is adored by the 'drive-by media'! A celebrity! A man whom his adoring fans think is "The One!" A profligate spender who literally throws money into the Rappahannock River! And you just know his campaign is being funded by George Soros. Ladies and gentleman, this man is a phony and I hope he fails!"
Always a sweet man.
CHEERS to the crumbling wall of inequality. It feels like progress is moving at the speed of a bullet train now. Yesterday the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act passed the House (although not before Americans had to endure some profound idiocy). Also yesterday: with a tweak-tweak here and a tweak-tweak there, the New Hampshire marriage equality bill was unexpectedly approved by the state Senate yesterday. It now goes to a vote in the House. Meanwhile, Maine's marriage bill is on the agenda today in our own state Senate. (They'll probably debate and vote on it, but they also have the option of being buttheads and tabling it.) It's perhaps worth saying that when I came out in 1992 the concept of same-sex marriage---heck, even civil unions---was in the same category as Senators named Al Franken and African-American presidents. Amazing. Seriously.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
Time now for your Understatement of the Decade. Chris Matthews yesterday on Barack Obama's first 100 days in office:
"Boy, this guy is not Bush."
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to a woman scorned. Maine Senator Olympia Snowe is bummed that she won’t have Arlen Specter as a playmate in her party anymore, thanks to his defection Tuesday. And she's going public with her displeasure:
It is true that being a Republican moderate sometimes feels like being a cast member of "Survivor"---you are presented with multiple challenges, and you often get the distinct feeling that you’re no longer welcome in the tribe. But it is truly a dangerous signal that a Republican senator of nearly three decades no longer felt able to remain in the party. ... I have said that, without question, we cannot prevail as a party without conservatives. But it is equally certain we cannot prevail in the future without moderates.
Translation: "We cannot prevail in the future." You should join us over here, Senator. We get to dance on the tables and play Spin the Bottle. Plus we're---what's the word?---SANE.
JEERS to the sanctity of marriage. 64 years ago today, Adolf & Eva Hitler committed suicide, less than 24 hours after exchanging "Ja Ja's." He gave her an Iron Cross instead of a ring. It went quickly downhill from there.
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Five years ago in C&J: April 30, 2004
JEERS to Sinclair Broadcast group. Refuses to air tonight's `Nightline' showing soldiers killed in Iraq, saying Koppel is motivated by a "political agenda." But I'm sure your $200,000 (so many zeroes!) To RNC and GOP candidates have NOTHING to do with your decision, Sinclair. Nnnnnnnothing!
CHEERS to the new World War II Memorial. The reviews are in: Veterans love it. And how cool is it that kids were asking them for their autographs yesterday?
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And just one more...
JEERS to missing the mark. If you've ever traveled to the intersection of Arizona, Utah, New Mexico and Colorado to have your picture taken at the Four Corners marker, here's some interesting news. The National Geodetic Survey says you were---whoops!---standing a mere 1,800 feet from the actual spot. It's interesting that in 1925 the Supreme Court decreed that the spot was the spot, period, end of story, we must never speak of it again...even though it turned out they were wrong. Is it me, or does that sound oddly familiar?
Oh, and all you "city slickers" out there: please clean up your eff'ing language. You've gone and made Nanny Scalia cry. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I think Bill in Portland Maine is the single biggest asset, and will be the single biggest asset, of the Republican Party because he’s so radically left."
---Sean Hannity
4/28/09
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