Dear Traditional Media,
Pretty soon, some of you will be assigned to cover the teabagging that goes on at one of the FOX Nutwork's froofy-sounding-but-actually-deadly-serious Tea Parties.
As you may be aware, the teabaggers are quite certain that someone -- maybe even someone who doesn't even like tea -- is going to show up and disrupt the tea-ing and/or bagging, thereby singlehandedly causing them all to look ridiculous. It will fall to you to report on whether this happened, and how it turned out.
In case you are chased off from the event, as was the case here, I'd like to take a moment to prepare you to file your story even if none of the teabaggers will talk to you. Here are the possibilities:
- If nobody disrupts anything (the most likely scenario, since nobody has yet figured out why they would need to disrupt people who've decided to get together to wave teabags), the teabaggers would have you know that it wasn't disinterest that kept the event peaceful, but rather that their patriotic might scared the evildoers away.
- If someone does show up and disrupt something, the teabaggers would have you know that evildoers want to "silence" them. Depending on how things develop from there, two possibilities present themselves:
- If someone shows up and disrupts things and the teabaggers manage to subdue them, the teabaggers would have you know that the story is about how tough they are.
- If someone shows up and disrupts things and the teabaggers find themselves overwhelmed, they'd have you know that the story is about what victims they are.
- If someone shows up and reflects poorly on the event (i.e., neo-Nazis show up in uniform) and the teabaggers are afraid to do anything about it, they'd have you know that the neo-Nazis were really liberal plants.
So please do be aware that it's a perfect win-win for them, insofar as douching your day away as a teabagger can be considered a win. Write it down now so you can knock off early on teabagging day.