From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Top Ten Dumb Guy Tips For Avoiding The Bird Flu
10. Before eating chicken, soak it in Lysol
9. Don't lick unfamiliar pigeons
8. Frighten birds by constantly meowing
7. Stay away from basketball great Larry Bird
6. Anti-bacterial smoothies
5. Move to a place where there are no birds...like the moon
4. Avoid birds that look like they're up to something
3. Go back to the old Y2K bunker, start drinking
2. Fill birdfeeder with Sucrets
1. If you have a chicken, check for swelling in the McNuggets
---Late Show with David Letterman
According to the government, the birds will be smashing through your living room window today around 2 O'clock. Still feel like dissing duct tape? Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, November 3, 2005
Note: Ladies, please secure the permission of your husband (or other stern male authority figure) before reading Cheers and Jeers. ---Billito
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Thanksgiving: 21
Days `til the Winter Olympic Games in Torino, Italy: 98
Amount in tax breaks given to the oil industry in the energy bill passed in August: $4 billion
(Source: Time magazine)
Number of Americans arrested for marijuana use or possession in 2004: 771,605
Effect it had on the "war on drugs": 0
Average number of years Americans say they want to live: 87
Percent who want to live to 100 or beyond: 25%
(Source: USA Today via The Week magazine)
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "I'm here to tell ya, honey...that I'm B-B-B-B... Bad to the bone..."
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CHEERS to Harry Reid. Kaya...Booooom!!! Now that's what I call activating the nuclear option, baby! Let that be fair warning to you knuckledragging GOoPers: Quit stonewalling over policing your own joint or next time you'll wake up with a horse head in your bed.
JEERS to Bill Frist. For reacting to the invocation of Senate Rule 21 like the spoiled elitist rich brat he is---namely, balling up his fists and throwing a tantrum. Mr. Stewart, you have the floor...
Jon Stewart: Republican leaders gathered outside in the hallway to vent:
Bill Frist: About 10 minutes ago or so, the United States Senate has been hijacked by the Democratic leadership. Once again it shows the Democrats use scare tactics...they have no principles, they have no ideas, they have no convictions...
Stewart [finishing Frist's thought for him]: Our party, on the other hand...I think we're gonna have plenty of convictions. I believe myself, I may have an indictment in my future. But y'know what else this is?
Frist: This is a pure stunt that is being performed by Senator Reid [and] Senator Durbin...
Stewart: Yes! Stunt! Not a `Midnight Schiavo' or `Mission Accomplished' stunt, but it's stunty! It's stunty!
Funny...that was my nickname in 5th grade.
P.S. We caught a glimpse of the majority leader speaking yesterday in front of a background peppered with the phrase, Get Smart! Oh, the irony.
CHEERS to fun with numbers. A brand spankin' new CBS News poll has President Bush's approval rating at another record low of 35%...just 8 points above where Nixon was during the blackest days of Watergate. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney waddles over the finish line at 19%. Which, translated into the lexicon of the citizenry, means: "No, Mr. Vice President...go fuck yourself."
JEERS to America's new export. Guess what, everybody? We're in the gulag business! In your face, Josef Stalin! USA! USA! (Be sure to stop by the gift shop---there's a sale on human pyramid snow globes.)
CHEERS to the smell of blood in the water. U.S. News & World Report tells Democrats to hang in there, because signs point to better times ahead:
Strategists tell [Washington] Whispers that party leaders are drawing up a theme of community and change aimed at seizing voters upset with what they see as government ineptness, selfishness, and cronyism.
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"This is about being in it together," says Democratic National Committee pollster Cornell Belcher. His research---provided to Whispers---shows that even Bush voters are eager for change and anxious to rebuild that old community feeling, especially after Hurricane Katrina. "Americans didn't like what they saw," he says. "This isn't their idea of America." There's more, he says: From the war in Iraq, to energy prices, to the budget, those he polled felt "they were sold a bill of goods...This is the opening for a sea change."
Now the hard part: teaching our team how to do more than stick their big toe in the water. (Here's a hint: "CANNONBALL!!")
CHEERS to second glances. Holy crap! Based on a paper he wrote at Princeton, Judge Alito is a shoe-in to be grand marshal at the next gay pride parade. He authored the anti-discrimination/pro-privacy position paper in 1971---2 years before the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its list of mental disorders. Quick---smelling salts to the Dobson residence!
JEERS to pressing our buttons. Inc. Magazine (via The Week) says that consumers gave 14 out of 15 automatic customer service phone systems a grade of `F' in a recent survey. 73% said they felt "consumer rage" about their experiences. "If you agree, please press FU and the next available representative will ignore you just as soon as possible. This call may be recorded to ensure we'll all be busting a gut at our next company Christmas party."
WHATEVER to the British invasion. Last night Duke Charles and Empress Camilla were treated to a formal dinner of pork rinds and baked armadillo at the White House. During dessert (chartreuse ice cream---how elitist), Bush leaned over and said, "Can I borrow yer crown? Mine's kinda busted up..."
CHEERS to food for trolls. What started out as a simple way to short-circuit the rude comments of bottom-feeders here at Daily Kos has turned into a full-blown culinarypalooza. Yesterday the dKos TROLLHOUSE COOKBOOK officially went on sale for only $15.01---a 450% discount off the retail price and all the proceeds go to fund the Yearly Kos convention in June. The recipe we submitted is heavenly with a nice chianti and some fava beans. We'd love to have you for dinner sometime.
JEERS to little green footballs. On November 3, 1952, Clarence Birdseye first marketed frozen peas. We hate `em, hate `em, hate `em. (But, coupled with a spoon, they make awesome catapult fodder at the dinner table.)
CHEERS Scooter in the Court. Today Dick Cheney's human shield, I. Lewis Libby, makes his first appearance in front of federal judge. He will have to swear to tell "...the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." But since he's being charged with chronic lying and deception, they'll skip the Bible and instead wire his testicles to a car battery and a bullshit detector. By the end of the day his new nickname could very well be "Crispy."
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One Year Ago in C&J: November 3, 2004...
JEERS to vinyl boo-boos. C&J attended the live broadcast of the Al Franken Show at Merrill Auditorium in Portland Monday. Various sponsor banners hung from the ceiling. One of them said: "Welcome to Maine, Katherine and Frank!" Fire that proofreader.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to unexpected spit-takes. Sometimes a joke comes so far out of left field that it's almost lethal. From Too Late with Adam Corolla:
Caller: What do you think is the worst song you can play in a strip club?
Comedian Paul Tompkins: I'd go with The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
Pass the Windex.
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Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"You know, if you look at the commoners in Cheers and Jeers... they're terrifying, terrifying."
---Prince Charles
10/30/05