From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
The Iranian Elections Will be Late Night Snarked:
"They had elections today in Iran. Apparently it's still too close to call. They say if the vote is still close by tomorrow, there will be a runoff election next week, and then the usual series of lawsuits from Norm Coleman."
---Bill Maher
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"Mahmud Ahmahaheeha defeated challenger and reform candidate Mir-Hussein Mousavi 62 percent to 33 percent---a landslide victory. Surprising, since the 85 percent turnout typically favors the reform candidates...and election results were strangely announced before the polls closed...and Ahmadineduhjujah won handily even in his opponents' home town...and also he's batshit insane!"
---Jon Stewart
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"This guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is claiming victory. He is very unpopular. And the danger is this: he could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb."
---David Letterman
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"Massive protests continued today in Iran. Hundreds of thousands of people swarmed the streets to protest what they believe was election fraud in the re-election of President Mahmud Amembersonlyjacket. And even though our president has been very careful not to weigh in too heavily on the controversy, the government of Iran today accused the United States of 'intolerable meddling' in its internal affairs. Sounds to me like Iran has been watching too much Scooby-Doo."
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"In recent days Iran has fallen into complete chaos over the Iranian presidential election, which pitted the incumbent president against the reformer, Mir-Hussein-in-the-Membrane Mousavi. You can tell he's the reformer for two reasons. One, he chants 'Terminal illness to America,' and he only wants to wipe Israel off Google Earth."
---Stephen Colbert
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"In Iran, people protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabir is enjoying a lamb kebab."
---Conan O'Brien
Oh, and don’t forget that Sunday is Father's Day. Or as sitting United States Senator John Ensign calls it: "Who's Your Daddy? Who's Your Daddy? Yeahhh...Who's Your Daddy!" Day. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 19, 2009
Note: The most condescending phrase in the English language is, of course, "of course."
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til U.S. troops vacate Iraq's urban areas: 11
Days `til the Roswell UFO Festival in New Mexico: 13
Approximate number of tornadoes that form in the U.S. per year: 1,000
(Source: USA Today)
Average number of hours of "together time" folks age 12 and up spent with their families per month in the first half of the decade: 26
Average number of hours of family time per month in 2008: 18
(Source: Annenberg Center for the Digital Future at USC)
Gallons of maple syrup produced this year in Maine, an increase of 65%: 395,000
(Source: AP)
Percent of Americans who WANT AN EFFING PUBLIC OPTION IN HEALTH CARE REFORM, DAMN YOU!!! 76%
(Source: NBC News poll)
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,656
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: ...and the livin' is easy.
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CHEERS to the thawing season. It's here! It's here! The turnpike's aliiive...with the sound of Massholes! Forgive the irrational exuberance, but summer arrives Sunday and we get a little excited about it up here in the frozen tundra. It's 60 blissful days of heat, glorious heat and sun, glorious sun! Just one little snag this year: the Heat & Sun, Inc. delivery van appears to have careened off an embankment. So, until things improve, we're going back to our winter chant: Tanning salon, glorious tanning salon.
P.S. If you're celebrating the summer solstice this weekend, have fun...but play safe and drink plenty of fluids, Druids!
JEERS to not getting the message. Iran's Supreme Leader clearly needs to change the batteries in his Beltone. Today he gave his big speech to the people, and here's our translation from the original Farce-ee:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you: let us have peace and tranquility and love and togetherness. I'm prepared to meet you halfway by showering you with peace bullets, tranquility baton blows, arrest warrants of love, and tear gas of togetherness. I'm nothing if not reasonable. Oh, and the crazy Holocaust denier remains the public face of our country and I'm charging each of you 50 thousand Rials for scratching the paint on my Rolls Royce. So...are we cool?"
Just a wild guess: Thanks but no thanks.
JEERS to acting dumb as a Post. The Washington Post is now down to a whopping three columnists I respect: Eugene Robinson, E.J. Dionne, and Ezra Klein. The first two (Ezra's too new there) should both resign in protest over the firing of immensely popular---not to mention factual, ethical and non-partisan---online columnist Dan Froomkin, who writes:
I’m terribly disappointed. I was told that it had been determined that my White House Watch blog wasn’t "working" anymore. But from what I could tell, it was still working very well. I also thought White House Watch was a great fit with The Washington Post brand, and what its readers reasonably expect from the Post online.
As I’ve written elsewhere, I think that the future success of our business depends on journalists enthusiastically pursuing accountability and calling it like they see it. That’s what I tried to do every day. Now I guess I'll have to try to do it someplace else.
Memo to Josh Marshall: I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. (Hint hint.)
CHEERS to that picture that looks like an eagle flew into a window. On June 20, 1782, the Great Seal of the United States was adopted by Congress. It has 13 stars, 13 stripes, 13 arrows in the eagle’s talon, 13 letters in the mottos "e pluribus unum" and "annuit coeptis," 52 total letters on it (which is divisible by 13), 13 olive leaves, 13 olives on the branch, 13 levels in the pyramid, and 13 sides showing on the ribbon. But designer Charles Thomson stopped short of including a black cat walking under a ladder---that would've been considered unlucky.
CHEERS to good deeds. Kossack "Kyle the Mainer" is helping raise money for the American Cancer Society this evening by walking for four straight hours in the Relay for Life up yonder in the hard-hit paper-mill town of Millinocket. His diary on it is here and you can support him with a small donation here. He's less than a hundred bucks shy of his $200 goal, so we can do this---to coin a phrase---in a walk. (C&J is in for $30.) To make it interesting this year, the walkers will be pursued by a pack of wild Millinocket spinsters. So it'll probably resemble more of a sprint.
JEERS to the non-stop non-story. Call me insensitive, but I think the cable news networks went waaaaaaay overboard in their non-stop and heavy-handed coverage of the Continental jet on which the 60 year-old pilot died. I have never seen such needless analysis: The Weather Channel experts weigh in! The overhead Google Earth shot of Newark Airport reveals...an airport! The cardiologist opines about the cause of death without access to a single fact! Were the passengers notified? Did he have the fish or the chicken? Did he see a gremlin on the wing? Enough!!! Look, there were two---two!---co-pilots on board who could land that bird in their sleep (plus they had Otto Pilot on standby). That's why they're called co-pilots. Our condolences go out to the family of the captain. Our icy glare goes out to the media that tried to turn it into a remake of Airport.
CHEERS to swishing towards Gomorrah. Southern Maine's annual gay pride parade is tomorrow, and a record turnout is expected, despite iffy weather. We have much to celebrate, including a freshly-passed state marriage equality bill and repeal of DOMA and Don’t Ask Don't Tell by Congress and the president. Unfortunately, city budget cuts mean that the police won’t be available to direct traffic, so volunteers---including my partner Michael and me---will be doing it. Just for kicks, we're gonna send all the Hummers to Wisconsin.
CHEERS to famous fliers. On tomorrow's date in 1782, Congress approved the bald eagle as the national bird of the United States. Two years later Benjamin Franklin tried to get it changed to the turkey, because he thought the eagle was "a bird of bad moral character" who was "too lazy to fish for himself." His argument failed (mainly because the eagle doesn't taste as good with stuffing and cranberry sauce). And so the eagle remains our proud symbol 227 years later, despite John Ashcroft's best attempts to make us hate it. The ears...they bleed.
CHEERS to home vegetation. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher dishes with self-taught sex therapist Meghan McCain, Katty Kay (she'd like you to buy her new book, please), Paul Begala, Iranian-born writer Hooman Majd, and "the guy who loves porn and hates America," writer Joel Stein. New DVD releases include the return of Jason in this year's Friday the 13th: Teabaggers of Terror and Blu-Rays of Dr. Strangelove, Ghostbusters and Mel Brooks' underrated Spaceballs. David Gregory does the time warp---Again!---as he wheels in Fred Thompson and Sam Nunn on gurneys for Meet the Press (for the life of me I can't understand why he's hemorrhaging viewers). On Face the Nation, Bob Schieffer books someone bold and fresh, with a flair for exciting new ideas and out-of-the-box thinking: John McCain. On This Week, George Stephanopoulos continues his habit of changing the subject the moment someone comes close to making a legitimate point. And the big sporting event of the weekend is the crown jewel in the All-Blonde Wives Club, aka the PGA: the U.S. Open in Soggytown, New York. Tiger Woods will spot the rest of the field 50 strokes each and then win it by 10. Sounds impressive, but I hear he cheats by cutting holes in his blindfold. Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: June 19, 2004
JEERS to killing us to save us. Scientists say toxic flame retardant chemicals used in computers, cushions, carpet and cars are now showing up in our bodies, and there's "absolutely no way to really control it." The ultimate insult: it does absolutely nothing for heartburn.
JEERS to Porky the Proctologist. Physicians tell patients to lose weight, yet there's a 66% chance they're overweight or obese themselves. Hey, Doc, you do know it's the Hippocratic oath, not the hypocritical oath...right?
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And just one more...
JEERS to swarming pests. When Obama swatted that fly during an interview with John Harwood, people joked---repeat, joked---that PETA would immediately file a protest. We all had a good laugh over that. And in other news, PETA has filed a protest because Obama swatted that fly during an interview with John Harwood:
The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants the flyswatter in chief to try taking a more humane attitude the next time he's bedeviled by a fly in the White House. "We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals," PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday. "We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals." ... Still, "swatting a fly on TV indicates he's not perfect," Friedrich said, "and we're happy to say that we wish he hadn't."
For a dissenting view, here's the copy for a public service message by Charles Saatchi featured in one of the greatest books on advertising ever written, Ogilvy on Advertising:
This is what happens
when a fly lands on your food.
Flies can't eat solid food,
so to soften it up they vomit on it.
Then they stamp the vomit in
until it's a liquid, usually stamping in
a few germs for good measure.
Then when it's good and runny
they suck it all back in again, probably
dropping some excrement at the same time.
And when they've finished
eating, it's your turn.
We report. You decide.
Have a great weekend. Oh, and Mr. President? You might want to wait just a bit longer before you go all Mount Rushmore on us. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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