Bush explains the Valerie Plame thing
Urges Americans to do their part, keep watching television and not thinking too much about issues
Washington, DC -- President George W. Bush sought to allay concerns about the "outing" of CIA operative Valerie Plame by "connecting the dots" to televised spy dramas, in light of Attorney General John Ashcroft's recent recusal from the investigation and growing questions about the intelligence used for war with Iraq and the war on terrorism.
"I am proud to announce that the major television networks have been participating in my 'Intelligence Showcase' program, by which our nation's homeland security and intelligence agents are the stars of 'reality TV' shows."
Bush explained that the political intrigue was designed to keep people intellectually stimulated and involved in national security issues while propping up otherwise-lame television schedules.
"Every time Americans watch a show like '24' or 'Alias' or even that poor-man's-Tom-Clancy knock-off 'Threat Matrix', our defenses against terrorism are improved," said Bush. "Just as vigilante justice shows such as 'The Equalizer' helped focus on our nation's crime problem in the 1980s, popular attention to these shows, and the brave agents such as Jack Bauer and Valerie Plame who star in them, will protect our homeland against insidious threats."
Media analysts were wary but optimistic: "I'm not sure if this is such a great idea in terms of national security," said ---- , "but we can't afford to alienate the 18-35 year-old demographic. They buy a lot of cars, they vote when they're angry, and they think Jennifer Garner is hot. And chicks dig that Vaughn guy."
Democratic presidential candidate Joe Lieberman had kind words for both Hollywood and the president. "Finally, the entertainment industry does something I can support. This confirms my campaign strategy -- that we should support the president, right up until November 2, 2004, when you should vote for me to replace his sorry butt."
Bush spokesman Scott McClellan elaborated on the plan: "I know the president isn't supposed to waste valuable time watching television, but I think the American people will be pleased to learn that he's keeping tabs on our secret agents just like they are." When asked to comment on the leak of Plame's identity, McClellan grew testy. "Is that really important? You don't see us complaining that Democrats leaked Kiefer Sutherland's identity as '24' star Jack Bauer, do you?"
Democratic hopeful Howard Dean responded, "These guys can't be bothered to negotiate with North Korea, got ADD when it came to chasing down Osama Bin Laden, don't want to know how 9/11 happened, refuse to protect nuclear and chemical plants, stand by while Israeli and Palestinian extremists sabotage the peace process, and think picking a fight with Iraq makes us safer? And they think Democrats aren't credible on foreign policy and national security?" However, as Diane Sawyer pointed out, Judy Dean doesn't have cable.
McClellan added that the White House's outing of Valerie Plame may have been the result of a salary dispute, or a ploy to drive up ratings. "Whatever it is," said a senior administration official, "it's an important part of our plan, which is to convince people that they don't need to do anything beyond watching tee-vee and voting Republican in order to be safe."