(the first of what will hopefully be several looks at the 2012 GOP field, xposted at http://gopaint.wordpress.com/)
Not since the Hanson brothers (the former teen pop sensations, not the badass dudes from Slapshot) embarked on their reunion tour a few years ago has there been a summer tour as nauseating and irritating as the Cheney/Gingrich Hate Tour of 2009. While Hanson's "Mmmbop" was a minor nuisance, the Cheney/Gingrich tour of late has ranged from delusional to downright dangerous for our country. Rumors abound that either or both of these two grumpy old men will be throwing his hat into the 2012 presidential ring.
Clearly the Grumpy Old Men in question would like to pretend that their pasts don't matter. Let's have a quick refresher then, shall we?
Dick "Darth" Cheney - It wasn't that long ago that Cheney was our VP (or as many claim, the real brains behind the Bush presidency). You remember Dick right? He shot his friend in the face whilst hunting? He's been downright ubiquitous since leaving office in January....kind of odd considering the lengths he went to preserve his privacy while in office (like preventing Google Maps from displaying his residence).
By now, everyone knows that Cheney is spewing the inane notion that we are less safe now with President Obama at the helm than we were with him and Dubya. Referring to the Bush administration's torture programs:
"I think those programs were absolutely essential to the success we enjoyed of being able to collect the intelligence that let us defeat all further attempts to launch attacks against the United States since 9/11," Cheney said.
"I think that's a great success story. It was done legally. It was done in accordance with our constitutional practices and principles," he said. "President Obama campaigned against it all across the country. And now he is making some choices that, in my mind, will, in fact, raise the risk to the American people of another attack."
Did you catch it? Right there at the end. Let's take another look:
raise the risk to the American people of another attack
And this is the tragedy of it all. Cheney is banking on the fact that no one remembers that 9/11 happened ON HIS WATCH. He (and to a lesser extent GOP leaders) keeps trying to pretend as if 9/11 happened on someone ELSE'S watch. "Another attack" my ass. You wouldn't have had to keep us safe (which is a notion I reject completely) from ANOTHER attack, if you had kept us safe from the FIRST attack. Just for shits and giggles, here's some other stuff that Dick didn't keep us safe from:
- The DC snipers- For over 3 weeks, John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo wreaked havoc on the Northern Virginia and DC area. 11 Americans were killed and several more seriously injured.
- 2001 Anthrax attacks - In the wake of 9/11, Anthrax was mailed out to members of the media, as well as a pair of Democratic Senators. 5 people were killed, 17 more infected.
- Hurricane Katrina - Everything surrounding the Bush/Cheney cabal's handling of the 2005 hurricane reeks of failure and incompetence. From defunding FEMA (and throwing into DHS) and appointing the completely unqualified Michael Brown to head the agency to awarding contracts to their crony buddies fortoxic trailers to house victims (and kill them and their pets) to their incredibly slow reaction time...the list goes on and on. 1836 people died and over 700 declared missing and presumed to be dead. Nearly 4 years later and the affected area is still a disaster area for all intents and purposes. Poverty and homelessness are rampant, destroyed homes and buildings have still yet to be cleaned up.
- The health-care crisis - 20,000 Americans die every year due to lack of affordable health care. Multiply that by the 8 years that Dick and Dubya were in power and.....well, that's a lot of blood on their hands. No attempt was made to curb insurance gouging (premiums rose an average of 130% in the 8 years Bush was in office)
- The Iraq war - American soldiers are citizens too, as much as Dick would like us to forget. Over 4000 American citizens have been killed in the Bush/Cheney illegal war (which was waged based on false confessions given under illegal torture).
Cheney can spin his tired talking points all he wants, but the reality is that he and his buddies did NOT keep us safe for 8 years. In fact, they did everything they could to undermine the American people so that they could line their own pockets.
Newt Gingrich - You remember this guy right? Former Republican Speaker of the House? Best-selling author (?!!)? Politically irrelevant for 9 years? Seriously......Newt Gingrich? Is this the best the GOP can do? For those who are new to the world of politics, or have killed off a few too many brain cells in the last 8 years (in an attempt to distract oneself from the reality of the Bush presidency no doubt) here are some fun facts about Newt:
- Newt was the guy (one of several key players) who led the charge for Bill Clinton's impeachment. Remember, in the GOP, a blowjob from one's intern is far worse than an illegal war which kills hundreds of thousands or millions of people. Newt, at the time wasn't as into Jesus as he came to be later, but he still campaigned for those wonderful "family values" the GOP is known for. True story: Newt once did it with his
high school teacher
As a high school student -- precocious, lonely, overweight -- Newt secretly romanced his geometry teacher, a buxom, matronly woman named Jackie Battley. The furtive romance with his 24-year-old teacher included nighttime sessions in the back of a car in remote areas of Fort Benning, Ga.
Frankly, if that wasn't vomit-inducing enough, Newt divorced his first wife while she battled cancer. Oh yeah, then he tried to get out of paying his child support and alimony. Then he went on to marry Wife #2, to whom he was unfaithful (an affair with the soon to be Wife #3)
Then there is the little issue of the $300,000 fine levied against Newt by the House Ethics Committee (Republican ethics? ha!):
"The violation does not represent only a single instance of reckless conduct," a report by an investigative subcommittee concluded. "Rather, over a number of years and in a number of situations, Mr. Gingrich showed a disregard and lack of respect for the standards of conduct that applied to his activities."
In the 9, nearly 10, years Newt has been out of office, he has been pushing the idea that America is a Christian country. Recently, he even quietly converted to Catholicism (perhaps the same tactic Dubya used to "find God" in an attempt to reduce criticism of his pre-conversion indiscretions).
Frankly, his conversion is the only thing Newt has been quiet about lately. From blasting Obama for speaking at Notre Dame. Via Newt's Twitter:
"It is sad to see Notre Dame invite President Obama to give the commencement address since his policies are so anti catholic values,"
Oh that silly Newtster. 2 divorces, the first of which while his then wife was dying of cancer, at least one affair (with his current wife whilst with wife #2), banging his teacher while in High School, trying to avoid child support, supporting an illegal war which has slaughtered tons of innocent people. He is so virtuous ain't he?
Of course, Newt also has been quite the busy bee (err....busy some sort of insect anyway) attacking Supreme Court nominee Sonya Sotomayor. Via his Twitter (he just LOVES that thing doesn't he! Trying to be "hip" I guess?):
""Imagine a judicial nominee said 'my experience as a white man makes me better than a Latina woman' new racism is no better than old racism."
"White man racist nominee would be forced to withdraw. Latina woman racist should also withdraw,"
Gingrich crying racism (in the process coming off as both a racist AND sexist) is especially hilarious in his controversial remarks on bilingual education a few years back:
Newt Gingrich yesterday described bilingual education as teaching "the language of living in a ghetto," and he mocked requirements that ballots be printed in multiple languages.
So there you have it. The Grumpy Old Men who want your vote in 2012. We have a guy with more blood on his hands than Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers combined and a politically irrelevant adulterous racist.
I know the GOP ranks are slim-pickings and the 2012 campaign is more than 2 years from starting, but the thought of Cheney or Gingrich being on a ticket (and I can't see any other reason for their recent media blitz) is simultaneously hilarious and revolting.
Like the last 10 incarnations of Warped Tour, this is one tour which I will pass on.