(Satire. I promise.)
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama, the nation's first black commander in chief, has brought yet more change to the Oval Office -- a controversial pardon just six months into his first term.
Controversial presidential pardons are usually issued in the waning days of a president's time in office, but Obama today granted a full and complete pardon to I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, former Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff.
Libby was convicted in 2005 of perjury, obstruction of justice and lying to federal investigators in the outing of CIA covert operative Valerie Plame.
"I applaud this bipartisan effort on behalf of the president, who today showed a strong commitment to keeping America safe by removing the illegitimate stain of a conviction from a public servant of the most upstanding character and highest reputation," Cheney said in a statement.
"I stand before you today to announce a full and complete pardon for Lewis Libby," Obama said Thursday. "This administration believes Mr. Libby was unfairly targeted in the Plame probe and that investigating his role in the case was the prosecutor's way of trying to find someone to blame for the mess caused by the previous administration.
"Let no one be misled. Mr. Libby's actions were not in his best interests or the best interests of anyone in Washington or, indeed, America. But to so severely punish a man who clearly was not a serious player in this story speaks to a miscarriage of justice — a miscarriage I have now undone with this pardon."
Before Obama's pardon, Libby's sentence had been commuted by President George W. Bush, but he had not been granted a pardon.
Obama wouldn't speculate on when or whether Libby's law licenses would be reinstated, and he also wouldn't comment on other aspects of the Plame case.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs wouldn't comment on specifics of the pardon or its implications, saying only, "By doing this, I think the president has demonstrated his continuing commitment to move beyond the partisan politics of the previous administration."
Neither Obama nor Gibbs would say what part of pardoning a convicted felon from the previous administration constituted moving beyond the politics that engendered the law-breaking or if any other former Bush administration officials would be pardoned, including former Justice Department lawyers John Yoo, Jay Bybee and David Addington, who are reported to have played significant roles in securing the legal framework for the administration's use of torture.
It also wasn't immediately clear why Obama was acting now in pardoning Libby, who has made no public overtures for presidential action — particularly to a president from the opposite party.
White House insiders say the move was made to secure the former vice president's help in encouraging some congressional Republicans to vote for legislation important to the president.
"Strategists identified some Republican lawmakers who live in unfriendly territory and whose political careers might benefit from siding with the president on this incredibly important issue," one aide said. "And then about a month ago, the president and Cheney started having private talks about what Cheney would be willing to do" in return for the pardon the former vice president has repeatedly said Libby deserved.
Insiders said Obama wanted Cheney to talk to some moderate Republicans about his health care reform and Employee Free Choice bills, which have been primary targets of GOP opposition. They wouldn't say what kind of success is expected as a result of the talks or when lawmakers might begin to publicly change their minds, but one noted that "the president wouldn't have made this deal unless he thought he could get something valuable for it."
They also noted that Cheney has severely dialed back public criticism of the president in the last month, suggesting the highly divisive figure recognized "the value of working with the president, not going on the cable news shows to drum up support for his legacy and the sales of his memoirs."
"Cheney's very interested in furthering the conservative agenda with respect to foreign relations," said one aide speaking on condition of anonymity, "but he's also interested in continuing to work within the governmental framework now that he's out of office. And as Obama has ferreted out the former vice president's moles, so to speak, Cheney has been more and more willing to come to the table privately."
Cheney's daughter, Liz, said there had been no such talks with Obama and wouldn't speculate on what such talks might result in were they to happen.
"The vice president is very happy spending time with his family and engaging in a post-9/11 dialog with the media and in his private life. He doesn't need and hasn't solicited any help from this president in furthering America's agenda," Liz Cheney said.
She also dismissed as "not a serious question" the idea of if Obama and her father would go quail hunting at some point.
The former vice president came under fire from the media in February 2006 for shooting a friend, Harry Whittington, while hunting quail. The friend later said, "My family and I are deeply sorry for all that vice president Cheney has had to go through this past week."
Asked what she thought of negative reactions users at liberal blogs like Daily Kos might have to the pardon, Cheney said, "So what?"